Adoption for Dummies (Paperback)

Myth 3: It's a competition

Adoption is both happy and sad. One family's loss is another family's gain. One woman will have empty arms, and another's will be full. Because of this paradox, many people mistakenly assume that the birthparents and the adoptive parents are, in some way, competing or at cross-purposes. Who is, after all, the "true" parent - the one who bears the child or the one who raises her?

Before you answer, think about this: All parents - birth and adoptive - want the same thing: for their children to grow up happy, healthy, safe, and loved and for their children to fulfill the potential within themselves. The only possible answer, then, is that true parents are the ones who give that opportunity to their children. If you recognize that birthparents and adoptive parents achieve this goal together, then you understand the nature of adoption.

Getting the language right, PAL

The phrases that people commonly used in the past (and that less informed people still use today) to describe or define adoption have negative connotations. How would you feel, for example, if someone asked, "Why didn't your real mom want you?" The language in this question implies that 1) the mother you have isn't the one you really belong to and 2) that you weren't placed for adoption because your birthmother wasn't prepared to be a parent; you were placed for adoption because she didn't want you.

So in comes PAL, which stands for Positive Adoption Language. This is the language you'll hear when you talk with adoption professionals, and it's the language you should use when you speak about adoption. Table 1-1 lists some phrases and terms that you should use and that you should avoid.

Distinguishing between adoption and foster parenthood

Many people mistakenly assume that adoption is like foster care, in that the role of the adoptive parent is to care for the child until he or she is grown or until the "real" parent can resume that responsibility. Although there are some similarities between adopting a child and fostering a child (both result in people caring for children born to others and both are arrangements based on love), the goals are different.

In adoption, the child's legal relationship with the birthparents has been ended, either voluntarily or by court order (see Chapter 11 for details on how children become available for adoption). The adoptive parents become the child's parent in every way and permanently. The goal is the creation of the adoptive family.

In a foster relationship, the foster parents care for a child in need while the state agency works with birthparents toward reunifying the family or, barring that, toward terminating the parents' rights. Foster parents care for the child's physical and emotional needs with the understanding that the state's goal, if all goes well, is to return the child to his or her birthparents.

Many states require or recommend that people adopting through state agencies first become foster parents for the following reasons:

If you're interested in adopting from state agencies or fostering children in their care, call your local welfare office for information. Keep in mind, though, that fostering isn't a substitute for adoption. It takes a special mind-set to foster a child. You have to be able to put aside your needs as a parent so that, if the time comes, you can let that child go.

Looking at the Adoption Process: What Happens When?

One big question people have when they begin the adoption process is "How do things work?" - meaning, what happens when? Basically two important things happen separately:

In all U.S. adoptions (both domestic and international), those processes remain separate and don't converge until the end, when a child is actually placed in your home.

Although in open and semi-open adoptions and in many attorney-facilitated adoptions (explained in Chapter 2), you may have an agreement or an understanding with a particular woman that she will place her child with you when that child is born, nothing can compel or force her to follow through. So, although you may be very involved with her and feel connected to the child she carries, her decision is her own, and you have no legal or moral say in what she decides. And she could very well decide to parent her baby herself.

The following sections briefly outline the process you follow when you adopt, and explain what makes a child available for adoption.

You: Working toward adoption

Obviously the first thing you need to do when you adopt is to make the decision that adoption is a good choice for you. It isn't for everybody (head to Chapter 6 for things you should think about before you decide to pursue adoption). Some people, in their heart of hearts, don't want to or don't believe that they can truly be the parents of children born to someone else. That's okay. All people have a right to their own dreams of a family. But if this describes you, don't adopt.

Once you decide that adoption is a good choice for your family, you need to hook up with people who can help you bring that dream to fruition. That means that you need to find an agency or an attorney to work with. Choosing an agency or attorney to help you is one of the most important decisions you make because these people have such a huge impact not only in how the process goes but in how you feel about what happens. For these reasons, you need to shop around, do research on the options available, and make an informed decision. Chapter 7 explains what you need to look for in the agencies and attorneys you're considering.

After you find an agency or attorney to work with, you're going to find yourself very busy with the process (see Chapter 9). If you're working with an agency, you have the home study to look forward to, the assignments (like putting together a profile of your family, filling out all sorts of necessary forms, and amassing all the documentation you'll need). If you're adopting internationally, you'll also be preparing for your trip to your child's birth country. You also have the wait - the time you spend waiting for the call that your child has been born or is available and ready to come home.

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