The Hidden Value of a Man: Created to Lead, Empowered to Succeed (Paperback)

Chapter One

* * *

For the last two decades, we've been sensing a strange uneasiness among men everywhere. What we see happening is much like what we witnessed in the early 1990s during Operations Desert Shield and Desert Storm. When the buildup of troops began and then the bullets started flying, our country saw an incredible happening on the home front. It was as if pent-up patriotism had been held in check so long that the conflict caused an explosion of flags, bumper stickers, parades, and speeches, all saying, "We're proud of our men and women overseas, and we're proud to be Americans again."

It seemed as if the nation was waiting for something, some time, when the wounds of the Vietnam War could be healed and our country brought back together. And that's just what happened. In hundreds of cities small and large, parade routes were lined with cheering people welcoming home the troops from Saudi Arabia. But the Vietnam vets marching by got the loudest and the longest (and much-deserved) rounds of applause.

In the same way, we've sensed a pent-up frustration on the part of men that has also turned into an explosion. We've worked with couples and families, men and women, for more than a quarter of a century now. And never have we seen such a nationwide, major explosion, which we first noted in the 1990s and has reverberated well into the 21st century. It's as if men are awakening from their own personal Vietnam experience of having been browbeaten and ridiculed by the media, and some in the women's movement, for just being men. For more than 50 years, men have been pictured by cartoon characters and dinner speakers as dense, unromantic, uncommunicative, uncaring, and on and on. But today, all over the country, men are coming out of the woodwork to stand up and challenge that image.

This other "Desert Storm" was largely ignored by the press, but it has moved man-to-man across the country, galvanizing men as we've never seen before.

A late-night call from a man in his fifties typifies what we're hearing everywhere we travel. His story, while admittedly picturing an extreme, captures the heart of this book. And it reminds us that a greater day is coming for the family.

We received the call when we were live on a national, one-hour radio talk show. With only moments left in the program, the announcer said, "Let's try to squeeze in one more call."

The caller said, "Remember me, Gary? This is J.D."

J.D.? We were staring at each other with blank looks on our faces, at a loss to remember who J.D. was.

Then he said, "Gary, I'm the guy from Waco you talked to 13 years ago about his wife leaving him."

To be honest, the first thought that raced through my (Gary's) mind was, Oh, no! We're going to finish this program with this man saying, "All that advice you gave me never worked!" But that's not what happened.

For a short time over the radio, and then in an extended conversation off the air, we got to hear the heartwarming story of a man who had incredible value and power in his home-just like every husband and father-yet never realized it until it was almost too late.

J.D.'s story was miraculous in another way as well. Many years ago, I (Gary) began my first book by telling his story without knowing how it would end. But what he revealed that night on the phone was beyond what I'd hoped for or even thought possible. As we listened in joy and tears to "the rest of the story," we stared at each other and thought, We're in the middle of writing this book, spending long hours trying to capture in the right words the most important principles we've ever shared with men. And suddenly here's J.D.'s story, almost a complete overview of our entire book!

The lifelong damage J.D. had been doing to his wife and children had somehow escaped his attention. He often felt unneeded by them. But most of all, he was completely unaware that two tremendously powerful sources of strength were within him-both could build or weaken a loving home.

What happened to J.D. is one man's story, but it illustrates crucial issues all of us men need to look at. And it begins where I (Gary) first met him-at the end of the road.

Just an "Average" Man

Like hundreds of men I've talked to since, J.D. had no idea an earthquake was coming. Sure, he had felt a few tremors and emotional aftershocks. But in his mind, his world seemed solid and secure.

At work, he was on the fast track: making decisions; moving up the ladder; having to get tough at times. That's the way he was at home, too: demanding; tough; insensitive; no different from most men on his block.

His wife would ask him to stop and pick up a can of coffee on his way home from work, and he'd thunder at her, "Why are you always running out of coffee!" He knew he wasn't the most sensitive person, but at least he was there! He was providing for her financially in a way he felt she ought to appreciate, and he figured that should more than make up for everything else.

He knew how to be strong. He knew how to "rule the roost." What he didn't know was that by failing to develop a side of himself that he rarely tapped into, he was setting himself up for a personal day of destruction.

Like many men, J.D. was blind to the pressures building in his wife-all under the surface-that finally blew up dramatically. Of all the things that have happened to him before or since, nothing shook every part of his world like the day she served him with divorce papers and moved out.

In that first marriage book I wrote, I told how J.D.'s experience pictured the end of the story for some men-a jolting wake-up call that brings his family life crashing down around him, and emotional aftershocks that affect his life, his health and business, and what's left of his family, for years to come. But J.D. discovered something else that actually led to a new beginning: a way to build up his wife and guidelines that would restore his family and marriage-even his relationships at work-to a place he never thought possible.

What J.D. was to learn and put into regular practice forms the basis of this book. What did he learn? The same types of things you'll discover:

Why and how men become so powerful and valuable to their families

How men are given two sources of power early in life, one more destructive than the other, but both with tremendous impact

How to discover the secret to building a great sense of teamwork between husband and wife

How to develop great friendships with other married couples that will "hold up our arms" during any times of marital difficulty

How through just one phone call to a particular type of coach, we can join the ranks of the wise and see nearly instant improvement in our relationships

How to find genuine, lasting motivation to do what we already know is right in our homes, and to follow through on those changes until success is reached

How to overcome five major roadblocks to building solid relationships

We can hardly wait for you to finish this book and join with us and the thousands of other men around our country and beyond who are tired of the state of the family-men who yearn for a new day of strength for their marriages and families in the '90s and on into the 21st century.

J.D. is one of those thousands. And for him, "school" began at a sleepy, country courthouse in Waco, Texas. I went with him to the divorce proceedings, where his last ray of hope seemed to end.

Hitting Bottom ... and Finding the Bottom Solid

"She's asking for too much money!" J.D. told me in shock. We were sitting on a well-worn wooden bench outside Courtroom C. As we talked, I realized the counsel I was giving him would have turned his lawyer's hair white.

We sat in the hall mulling over his soon-to-be ex-wife's monetary request as part of the divorce settlement. I knew his reaction wasn't based on finances. J.D. was on his way up the ladder toward the top of a large company and had far more than she was requesting in the bank. It was a question of control and breaking the emotional stranglehold he had placed around her neck for years.

"That's not the issue," I told him. "You're going to get the money back anyway when you two get back together. So why not take this opportunity to show her you really value her and give her double what she's asking for!"

I'll never forget his look. "Double!" he growled.

I knew I was taking a risk. But I had also been counseling for years and had interviewed scores of men and women across the country who had been in J.D.'s shoes. And I knew this man's wife. His smothering, crippling, demeaning control had finally snuffed out any flame of feeling she had for him. But as yet, there wasn't another man who had lit a torch in her heart. It would take a lot of work to rekindle the dying embers, more work than he ever imagined. But he was desperate and willing to do anything it took to try to win her back.

J.D. had let her have it for 28 years. But now, in a monumental act of the will, he finally let her have her way for once-and the money. In fact, he ended up giving her the entire checkbook that held their savings and saying, "Honey, you use this for you and the kids. I trust you. And I know you'll use it wisely." (To his amazement, she never took advantage of that generosity.)

A man who never, to his remembrance, cried in public stood with tears streaming down his face. All J.D. could do was watch as Judge Mormino lifted his gavel and pounded out the death sentence on a marriage J.D. had surely killed. "Divorce granted."

Before his wife walked out, J.D. had held all the power cards in their relationship: He called every game. Dealt out every decision. Changed any rule he wanted just so long as he won his way. But the day she quit playing the game and left, his life folded, too.

Suddenly he couldn't rely on his verbal strength to bully and control her. He no longer had a voice in her life. And like an East Berliner, once she escaped from those walls of emotional bondage and first tasted freedom, she swore on her life that she would never be dominated by him again.

J.D. had hit rock bottom. But after the divorce, in those few breakfasts I had with him before we moved, I gave him a glimpse of a different kind of power. And when he joined with a small group in Waco (led by Ken Nair, a close friend, and Scott Baird, another close friend who was one of our national board members), he really came to understand this different type of power that can build up relationships instead of breaking them down. It can also open closed doors ... even padlocked ones.

It took J.D. 28 years to lose his wife. But once he put the principles he learned into practice, it took only 8 months to win her back. In front of the same judge, in the same courtroom where everything had ended, they were remarried and began life together again. And this time, they built a life worth living for both of them. In fact, their relationship became so strong that they stopped counting their wedding anniversaries from the first year they were married and started counting from the date of their remarriage.

For 12 years, J.D. loved and cared for his wife, drawing on a type of power he had never even considered before. They reunited on November 16, 1978. And by his account, they experienced more happiness and fulfillment than they ever thought possible until November 16, 1991, when at last she left his arms for the strong arms of her heavenly Father.

In this book, we want to introduce you to that rare type of value and power J.D. discovered. Not the kind of power that's normally found in the workshop or office, but a power every husband and father already has that is absolutely necessary if he's to win and hold the hearts of his loved ones. It's the kind of power that can turn around a broken home and family and, in time, a broken world.

For the many men whose relationships are far from being on the rocks, what you find here are clear charts pointing out the fast currents and hidden rocks in life's river, charts that can help to keep you and your family in safe waters.

You may not be a "reader"-many men aren't. But if you are a man, you need to read this book. For in it you'll gain a clear vision of how you can use your natural power for good. You'll also discover how to draw up a specific plan with your wife to raise your relationship with her to greater heights. Further, you'll come to understand why it's so difficult for most of us men to take on the task of building strong marriages and families, as well as how to overcome those mile-high roadblocks.

Every man has tremendous value. It's hidden at times, perhaps, but always there-a worth based on a type of power each man has within his grasp at home every day. In fact, during the writing of this book, we realized more completely just how influential the average man is. When you discover how to use this age-old power, you'll see a closeness and fulfillment in your marriage and family that you wouldn't have believed possible. And this power to build and bless others is captured in the reflection of a sword.

(Continues...)