Chapter One

All in a Day's Work

Why did the carpenter quit his job? He was board.

Why are carpenters in charge of building contracts? They like to hammer out all the details.

How did the carpenter use only one brick to finish building a house? It was the last one.

What kind of music do cobblers listen to? Sole music.

What is the rank of a Marine dentist? Drill Sergeant.

What is the fastest way to annoy a doctor? Take away his patients.

What kind of music do steel workers love? Heavy metal.

Why did the pop star smack The Guinness Book of World Records repeatedly with a hammer? She wanted to produce a hit record.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A waiter rolling down the stairs!

If a gardener has a green thumb and bankers have gold thumbs, who has a black-and-blue thumb? A carpenter.

Why did the banker sign up for an art class? He liked to draw interest.

What piece of jewelry do boxers always wear? A ring.

What kind of people make the best grave diggers? Excavators who take their job very seriously.

Who is in charge of keeping the railroad running? The track coach.

Why was the car mechanic fired? He took too many brakes.

How can you tell if the minister is working on his sermon? See if he is practicing what he preaches.

What did the surgeon say to his patient when he finished the operation? "That's enough out of you."

How did the carpenter break his teeth? He chewed his nails.

Why are magicians given hazard pay? They have to pull their hare out at every show.

If Mr. Green sells cupcakes in his grocery store for 39 cents each, how should he price upside-down cakes? They should be 63 cents each.

Who is the first person in an orchestra to be hit by lightning? The conductor.

How did the salesman call his client? He used his sell phone.

Chapter Two

Animal Kingdom

What animal is impossible to carry on a conversation with? A goat-he always wants to butt in!

What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog. He croaks every night!

Why can't you play a joke on a snake? Because you can't pull their legs!

What animal isn't born with wings, but has the innate ability to fly? A caterpillar isn't born with wings, but it will fly when it becomes a butterfly.

What does a frog do when his eyesight goes bad? Goes to the hoptician.

Why does the giraffe have such a long neck? Because its head is so far from its body.

Why did the otter cross the road? To get to the otter side.

What do you say when you see a snail drive past you in a car? "Look at that escar-got!"

Why is it hard for teenage turtles to be rebellious? They can never run away from home.

What vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden? Squash!

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and green? Three zebras fighting with a pickle.

What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? "No thanks, I'm stuffed."

What kept the performing pony from singing? It was a little horse.

What does a skunk use to defend itself? In-stinks.

Why did the weasel cross the road twice? He was a double-crosser.

What has four eyes, one tail, six legs, and two heads? A person on horseback.

What did the toad say after listening to one of the rabbit's jokes? "You croak me up!"

What animal rows quickly with four oars but never travels beyond his front door? A turtle.

Why are gophers so busy? They always have to go-pher this and go-pher that.

What kind of turtle always has a bad attitude? A snapping turtle.

What do you call a sick alligator? An illigator.

What do you call a one- hundred-year-old ant? An antique.

What kind of ant is good at math? An account-ant.

Where do polar bears like to vacation? Brrr-muda.

What do you get if you cross a snowman with an alligator? Frostbite.

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How do bears walk around? With bear feet.

How does a skunk's car run? On fumes.

What wears a coat all winter and pants in the summer? A dog.

What happens when a frog's car breaks down? He gets toad away.

What do you call a group of mice in disguise? A mousequerade party.

Where do worms like to go for dinner? Anywhere that is dirt cheap.

Why won't banks allow kangaroos to open accounts? Their checks always bounce.

What has twelve legs, six eyes, three tails, and cannot see? Three blind mice.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose.

What animal is the strongest? A snail. He carries his house.

Where does a skunk sit in church? In a pew.

What do you call two spiders that just married? Newlywebs.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and the World Wide Web? A hare Net.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a cat? A carrot.

What is as big as a hippopotamus, but weighs nothing at all? The hippo's shadow.

What has keys but can't open locks? Monkeys, turkeys, and donkeys.

How did the zookeeper catch the escaped cat? The leopard was spotted.

What dangerous animal did Mrs. Washer have in her backyard? A clothes lion.

What kind of snake is good at math? An adder.

What is black and white and red all over? A blushing zebra.

Chapter Three

Brainteasers & Mindstumpers

Little Tommy suddenly found himself surrounded by thirty galloping horses, twenty-five charging bears, and ten roaring lions. How did he survive this situation? He got off the carousel.

Four cars come to a four-way stop, each coming from either North, South, East, or West. It isn't clear who arrived first, so they all go at the same time. No one crashes, but all four cars successfully continue on their way. How is this possible? They all made right-hand turns.

An archaeologist found a coin dated 62 BC and immediately declared it a fraud. How did he know it wasn't real? BC stands for "Before Christ." This dating system wasn't used until after Christ had been born.

Maggie woke up one day with a toothache and went to the only dental practice in town to have it fixed. The dental practice had two partners, Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones. Dr. Smith has a beautiful smile, while Dr. Jones has a mouth of ugly, crooked teeth. Who should Maggie see about the toothache? Dr. Jones. Since it is the only dental practice in town, Dr. Jones must fix Dr. Smith's teeth and vice versa.

A boat has a ladder that has six rungs. Each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at twelve inches every fifteen minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at its highest, how many rungs are under water? None. The boat rises with the tide.

Melissa was out shopping one day. She met her father-in-law's only son's mother-in-law. What did Melissa call her? She called her "Mom."

If a farmer has five haystacks in one field and four hay- stacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field? One. If he combined them all, they would become one big haystack.

A woman drove to the video store. She got out, and accidentally locked her keys in the car. She went into the store to rent some videos. She came back out and unlocked the door without touching "anything" on the outside of the car. How did she do it? The car was a convertible and she reached inside to open the door.

Marco and Anna were sitting in their living room one night. While Marco was watching television, Anna was reading. All of a sudden, the power went out and Marco decided to go to bed. Without the use of a flashlight or candle, Anna kept on reading. How? Anna was blind. She was reading a book in Braille.

(Continues...)