Boundaries in Marriage (Paperback)

Chapter One

What's a Boundary,
Anyway?

Before You Lead

Key Points

• Love is at the heart of marriage, but it is not enough. The marriage relationship
needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredients are freedom and
responsibility.

• For intimacy in marriage to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.

• In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning
and the end of something.

• If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who "owns" things
such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. I know to whom they "belong." And if
there is a problem with one of those, I know to whom the problem belongs as
well.

• When spouses are free to not react to each other, each takes responsibility for his
or her own issues and loves the other person even when he or she does not
deserve it. Free from each other's control, each gives love to the other freely,
and that love transforms the individuals and produces growth in their marriage.

• Words (especially the word no), truth about God and about who you are, consequences,
emotional distance, geographical distance, other people, and time (as
in "time away from") are some examples of boundaries.

• We are responsible for our feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, choices,
thoughts, values, limits, talents, desires, and love, all of which lie within our
boundaries.

Synopsis

Marriage is about love. It is being bound together by the care, need, companionship, and values of two people, which can overcome hurt, immaturity, and selfishness to form something better than what each person alone can produce. Yet while love is at the heart of marriage, it is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredients are freedom and responsibility.

While many things go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries break down, marriages break down as well. For intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries. In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who "owns" things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. I know to whom they "belong." And if there is a problem with one of those feelings, attitudes, or behaviors, I know to whom the problem belongs as well.

A marriage relationship requires that each partner have a sense of ownership of himself or herself. The first way in which clarifying boundaries helps us is to define where one person ends and the other begins. What is the problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me? If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsible for it, then we are in the driver's seat of change.

Freedom, responsibility, and love-something incredible happens as these three ingredients of relationship work together. As love grows, spouses become freer from the things that enslave: self-centeredness, sinful patterns, past hurts, and other self-imposed limitations. They gain a greater and greater sense of self-control and responsibility. As they act more responsibly, they become more loving.

Put differently, when spouses are free to not react to the other, they take responsibility for their own issues, and they love the other person even when he or she does not deserve it. Free from each other's control, they give love to each other freely, and that love transforms the individuals and produces growth in their marriage.

We'll look at Stephanie and Steve's marriage in light of this triangle of freedom, responsibility, and love. Stephanie was suffering from the emotional distance that being on the wrong side of a one-sided relationship creates. But she took some steps to change that relationship. First, she figured out where she ended and where Steve began. When she did, she realized that there was really very little of her in the marriage. She had adapted to her husband and had complied with him so much that she could no longer even remember what it felt like to be herself. But she realized that she could not blame Steve for her loss of herself. She was the one who, afraid of conflict, had complied with his wishes. She had to take ownership of her passivity.

At this point in her journey, Stephanie made a mature decision. She took responsibility for her own misery and began to work on it in the relationship. She didn't-as many people do-leave the relationship in order to "find herself." Nothing is farther from "getting boundaries" than leaving a relationship! Boundaries in marriage are about healing relationships, not ending them.

As Stephanie took ownership and responsibility for her life, Steve was forced to take responsibility for his own, and their marriage improved. Steve also learned to love Stephanie's freedom. He began to be attracted by her independence instead of threatened by it. Their love grew, and they grew as individuals as well. They became better defined, more free and responsible, and more in a position to love and be loved. This is the high calling God created marriage to be.

Session Outline (52 minutes)

I. Introduction (8 minutes)
A. Welcome (5 minutes)
B. Opening Prayer (1 minute)
C. Overview (2 minutes)

II. Discovery (42 minutes)
A. Video Segment: Stephanie's Story (2 minutes)
B. Time for Thought: A Look in the Mirror (5 minutes)
C. Video Segment: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (3 minutes)
D. Time to Talk: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (10 minutes)
E. Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage (7 minutes)
F. Time to Act: Identifying My Property Lines (15 minutes)

III. Wrap-up (2 minutes)

Recommended Reading

"A Tale of Two Couples" and "What's a Boundary, Anyway?" the introduction and chapter 1 in Boundaries in Marriage

8 MINUTES Introduction

5 minutes Welcome

Call the group together. Welcome the participants to Session 1 of the Boundaries in Marriage course: "What's a Boundary, Anyway?" Introduce yourself: Tell the group your name, a little about yourself (including how long you've been married), and why you are excited about leading this series. Depending on the size of the group, have couples introduce themselves-either to everyone or to the people near them and say how long they have been married.

1 minute Opening Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for those who have gathered here and for what you have for us to learn about ourselves, about our marriages, and about your plan for marriage. May we hear your truth with our hearts as well as our ears and apply it to our lives in new and freeing ways. Jesus, we look to you to be our guide and teacher as we begin learning more about boundaries, how they can work in marriage, and how each of our marriages can become more what you want it to be. In Jesus' name. Amen.

2 minutes Overview

Participant's Guide page 9.

Note: On each facing right-hand page is a copy of the corresponding Participant's Guide page(s).

In these eight sessions, we are going to look at boundaries in marriage -what they are and how they can help us respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom so that we can give ourselves freely and lovingly to each other. This course is based on Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend's best-selling book Boundaries in Marriage.

Hold up a copy of Boundaries in Marriage. At this point you may wish to offer the book and the Boundaries in Marriage Workbook for sale as additional resources or simply mention where copies can be obtained.

Before we begin the first video segment, let me tell you a little bit about your Participant's Guide. During our eight sessions, we will discuss various topics as a large group. You will also meet together in small groups, sometimes you'll talk to the person next to you or to your spouse, and you'll also work alone on some exercises. The Participant's Guide will help you stay focused and keep us moving through this challenging and life-changing material.

Please turn to page 9 in your Participant's Guide.

[right arrow] Today we'll see that love, freedom, and responsibility are the
necessary ingredients if a marriage is to grow and thrive. We'll
also define "boundaries," look at some examples of boundaries,
and consider their importance. You will recognize that you are
responsible for your feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors,
choices, thoughts, values, limits, talents, desires, and love, all of
which lie within your boundaries.

42 Minutes Discovery

2 minutes Video Segment: Stephanie's Story

Let's begin with a video clip of someone who might remind you of yourself and your marriage. Please turn to page 10 in your Participant's Guide. You'll see that the authors have listed the key points from the video segment so you don't have to take notes while you're watching. You can use these later to review what was covered.

View Video Segment: Stephanie's Story.

That snapshot of Stephanie's marriage may remind you of your own marriage. If that's the case, be encouraged by the happy ending. Now let's see what we can learn from Stephanie's example. Please turn to page 11 in your Participant's Guide.

View Video Segment: Stephanie's Story.

5 Minutes Time for Thought: A Look in the Mirror

Participant's Guide page 11.

Directions

You will be doing this exercise on your own. Take 5 minutes to answer the questions on page 11 and reflect on your own marriage. Afterwards, we'll look at another video segment and discover three key ingredients for a good marriage. Any questions?

Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call the group back together after 5 minutes.

3 minutes Video Segment: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility

You've had a few minutes to think about your own marriage. And your marriage is what you need to keep in mind as Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud are speaking. In this segment called Love, Freedom, and Responsibility, we'll start learning about three key ingredients to a good marriage.

Remind the participants that key points from the video segment can be found on page 12 of the Participant's Guide if they would like to review them at a later time.

View Video Segment 2: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility

10 minutes Time to Talk: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility

Participant's Guide page 13

The triangle of love, freedom, and responsibility may be a new lens through which to look at your marriage. Let's take some time to talk together about how those three elements affect a marriage relationship. Please turn to page 13 in your Participant's Guide.

Directions

With your spouse, turn to another couple near you and take 10 minutes to share your answers to the three questions listed on page 13 of your Participant's Guide. Any questions?

Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call the group back together after 10 minutes.

I trust that this time of reflection and discussion was a helpful and encouraging way for you to start thinking more deeply about the dynamics of marriage and to appreciate a few good things about your own marriage.

As Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend say when they're speaking to married couples like us, today is the day to work on your own boundaries in marriage. What you take the initiative to deal with today will affect the rest of your married life. And what you ignore or are afraid to address will do the same. With that in mind, let's look now at what boundaries are.

7 minutes Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage

Remind the participants that key points from the video segment can be found on page 14 of the Participant's Guide if they would like to review them at a later time.

View Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage.

15 minutes Time to Act: Identifying My Property Lines

Participant's Guide page 15-18

Responsibility, freedom, and love-boundaries are key to the protection of all these factors in a marriage relationship. Please turn to page 15 in your Participant's Guide.

Directions

Take 15 minutes to start reading through the questions beginning on page 15. They are designed to help you consider different types of boundaries, to see where your boundaries are, and to decide where you could shore them up. You won't have time to finish this exercise right now, but you'll be encouraged to do so in the Boundary Building section at the end of this session.

Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call the group back together after 15 minutes.

2 Minutes Wrap-up

Participant's Guide pages 19-21

Before we close this session in prayer, let's take a look at the Boundary Building section on pages 19 to 21 of your Participant's Guide. This section will appear at the end of each of our eight sessions. The questions and exercises included there are intended to help you put into action the concepts about which you are learning or to occasionally think more about them. I encourage you to at least read through the questions and exercises. Even if you aren't able to spend as much time with them as you like, anything further you can do will help strengthen your marriage.

1 minute Closing Prayer

Participant's Guide page 19.

Please turn to page 19 in your Participant's Guide and follow along as I read the prayer printed there.

Lord God, after just one session, we're seeing more clearly what a high calling marriage is! In order for us to respond to that calling, please help us learn to take ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behaviors; to take responsibility for our choices, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love; and both to grant our spouses freedom and responsibly act on the freedom our spouses grant us. Please give us wisdom as we use words, truth, consequences, emotional distance, physical distance, other people, and time to build or strengthen boundaries.

We're a bit nervous as we set out on this journey toward a healthier marriage, and we're feeling more than a little vulnerable. We know that you'll be with us each step of the way, and may your presence give us hope and the willingness to proceed. As we submit ourselves to your transforming touch, we ask you to be at work in our mates even as you work to make us more like Christ-in whose name we pray. Amen.

Glad you were here.

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