Chapter One
Date One
Sharing Hopes, Dreams,
and Expectations
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
Let's listen to Hayley as she describes her recent date with Kevin:
Our greatest date didn't start out so great. Kevin had said,
"Let's go over to the lake and watch the sunset." But how can
you watch a sunset when it's overcast and foggy? I thought.
Kevin was so determined that I humored him. We got to
the lake, and he pulled out a blanket and picnic basket. Was
this guy really serious? There was no sun anywhere on the
horizon; in fact, it was chilly. I felt weird trying to watch a sun-set
in the fog.
Kevin was acting strange-really nervous. "I'll be right
back," he said and disappeared. So I sat on this blanket all
alone. A few couples walked by hand-in-hand and stared at
me. I felt really stupid. This date was going downhill fast. And
then I heard a commotion behind me.
I turned around just in time to see a knight in a suit of
armor riding a horse right toward me. As I looked more
closely, I could see it was Kevin! He dismounted, and the next
thing I knew he was on his knees asking me to marry him!
Without a doubt, this was our greatest date yet!
What has been your greatest date? Have you had a unique story-book
date like Hayley and Kevin? Or maybe you have had lots of great
dates and now are looking forward to having a fairy-tale wedding where
you will both ride off into the sunset to be blissfully happy ever after.
Sounds like the end of the story, doesn't it? Not so. Your wedding day
will only be the beginning of the story of your marriage.
A marriage is not a one-day event. Instead, marriage is a lifelong
process of growing together and deepening your love for one another.
It is facing life's trials together and pulling together in the good times as
well as the bad. And, to be frank, marriage is not a fairy tale; it is more
like the novel War and Peace. But the marriage relationship can be the
most rewarding and fulfilling one you will ever know. And your greatest
dates may be up ahead-after you're married!
CONSIDERING MATRIMONY?
Maybe like Hayley and Kevin, you've made the commitment to
become engaged and are looking forward to getting married. Or maybe
you are not engaged at this point but are wondering if you'd like to be.
In either case, this date is going to help you look at your hopes and dreams
for the future and better understand your expectations for marriage.
Many couples who marry are incredulous when marriage turns out
to be different from what they expected. We don't want to shatter your
hopes and dreams, but we do want you to take a good look at your present
relationship and your expectations for the future. Too many who are
considering marriage answer positively the premarital inventory question,
"I expect my partner to change some of his/her behaviors after we marry."
Also it's important to note that every engaged couple does not end up
marrying. One of the major purposes of marriage preparation is to help
couples make a good decision about whether or not they are ready to be
married to each other at this time. Couples who begin marriage preparation
a year to eight months before marriage have a 15 to 17 percent rate
of postponing or canceling the wedding if their preparation includes both
an inventory and an educational program.
The value of marriage preparation is having the opportunity to
reexamine and reconfirm your decision to marry. In the following dates
we want to help you look closer at your own decision to consider marriage
or a more serious relationship and to better understand your own
"good match." We will start that process on Date One by looking realistically
at your own expectations.
What We Expected
We (the Arps) started marriage with stars in our eyes and a belief
that we would surely always meet each other's needs. We got married in
the middle of our college experience. The year was 1962. Our world
was traumatized by the Cuban Missile Crisis. The Russian missiles were
headed for Cuba, and the United States had its blockade in position. We
were attending different colleges in different towns: Dave was in Atlanta
at Georgia Tech; Claudia was in Athens at the University of Georgia.
We were convinced if we didn't marry right away, the world would blow
up and that we might never get to live together as husband and wife. So
we did it. We got married without any premarital counseling, inventories,
or any of the other helps available today. We were just going to live
on our "love."
Then when the honeymoon was over and our hormones settled down,
we discovered that marriage was not quite what we expected. Little things
irritated us. I (Dave) was raised in a military home and assumed Claudia
would be as orderly as I was. One of our first arguments was about how
to arrange the magazines on the coffee table. I wanted them at right angles.
Claudia wanted them to look more informal and "homey." I kept putting
them at right angles; Claudia kept changing them to "her way." And hangers
should be one inch apart in the closet-or so I thought. Claudia
assumed just hanging up the clothes was a big accomplishment. So we
immediately realized we would need to do some compromising.
When we (the Browns) were seriously dating and considering marriage,
we just wanted to be together, and we never got around to discussing
our expectations. We also married while still in college, and our
unspoken expectations were based on the only marriages we knew
well-those of our parents, which couldn't have been more different.
I (Curt) expected Natelle to be a wonderful cook who would never
use a mix! My mother served home-cooked meals precisely at 7 A.M.,
noon, and 6 P.M. She dusted and vacuumed daily. I always had a drawer
full of clean socks and underwear, and my shirts and jeans were always
freshly laundered and ironed. Naturally, I assumed Natelle would be as
passionate about housekeeping as my mother was. (Save the rotten
eggs-I changed my view long ago!)
I (Natelle) had a totally different perspective. My mother was a high
school English teacher and the first female high school principal in the
state of Nebraska. She had worked outside the home since I was two
years old. My dad enjoyed tinkering with the car, fixing leaky faucets,
and hanging Christmas tree lights. He occasionally even helped with the
cooking and was great with us kids. I assumed Curt would encourage
me professionally and divide household chores equally. And, of course,
he would be the handyman around the house just like my father was.
After marriage it didn't take long for us to discover that we didn't
exactly fit into the roles the other had hoped we would!
What are your expectations for your marriage? Listen to what some
others contemplating marriage expected:
• I expect my partner to always understand and encourage me.
• Our marriage will always make us happy.
• After marriage, our problems will go away.
• We will talk about everything, and therefore we will avoid
serious disputes.
• With two incomes, we will be financially secure-especially
since two can live almost as cheaply as one.
• We'll keep doing the same fun activities we presently do
together.
• Our love life will always be exciting and satisfying.
• We will divide and conquer housework fifty-fifty.
• I expect my mate to meet my needs-to be a lot like me.
Obviously, these people were shocked when their mates were
unable to live up to their expectations. It is really important that we talk
about our expectations. It is hard enough to meet expectations when
we know what they are, but it's impossible when we don't.
What You Expect
Do you identify with any of the comments above? On Date One
you will have the opportunity to take our Expectation Survey and talk
about what is really important to you. When Lisa and Ben talked
through their Expectation Survey, they discovered areas where their
expectations were totally different. For example, Ben had little need for
"intellectual closeness"-that was the last on his list. But for Lisa, it
was near the top of her list and she would probably starve to death
without it! On the other hand, Lisa rated "mutual activity" lower than
Ben. Talking about their expectations before marriage was a very helpful
exercise. They understood that they would have to work to adjust their
expectations and that their marriage would benefit from their different
interests. Lisa would learn to put a higher value on shared activities
while Ben would appreciate how important it was to Lisa for him to
relate to her on an intellectual level.
You too can benefit from understanding your differing hopes,
dreams, and expectations-especially when you talk about them before
marriage. But first we suggest that you consider what your own expectations
are for your 10 Great Dates.
If you are engaged, we hope you expect to have some fun, to learn
more about each other, and also to pick up new relationship skills that
will help your future marriage succeed. And if you are seriously dating,
we hope your expectations for these dates include helping you understand
each other better and equipping you to be able to make an
informed and wise decision about your future together. Whether or not
you are engaged, these dates can help you see your relationship more
clearly, evaluate your present skills and abilities you bring to this
potential partnership, and learn new relational skills.
So let's get started! But before we look to the future, let's consider
the past and how you got to where you are today in your relationship.
LOOKING BACK - CELEBRATING GREAT
MEMORIES TOGETHER
Let's take a trip down memory lane and revisit the day you met. Do
you remember the first time you saw each other? We (the Arps) won't
ever forget the day we first met.
I was thirteen, and Dave, who was fifteen, threw me into the swimming
pool with my clothes on! But we were first attracted to each other
when we met again after I graduated from high school. After finishing his
freshman year at Georgia Tech, Dave was again spending the summer
with his grandmother who lived in Ellijay, Georgia-the same small
north Georgia town where I grew up. A mutual friend got us together,
and it was almost love at first sight. Dave's impish nature was still in full
force, but he was also fun-loving, adventurous, and a college man!
And Dave thought Claudia's vivaciousness, enthusiasm for life, and
twinkle in her eyes were irresistible. Within three weeks we were
together and never looked back (or at anyone else!).
It's fun to think back on our own history and remember the excitement
of that time when we realized we were in love. Memories help us
to remember just how important our marriage is and why we want to
keep nurturing our relationship.
CELEBRATING THE PRESENT
From our observations, when couples become engaged, most of
their time and energy are focused on planning the wedding. Often they
forget to nurture their relationship now. In our Before You Say "I Do"
seminar, we give couples the opportunity to celebrate the present by
considering three questions.
The first question you might ponder is "What is great about your
relationship right now?" These are the positive attributes of your relationship
to be celebrated. Perhaps you work hard at expressing your
true feelings to each other, or maybe you look for ways to encourage
the other. These are the attributes to celebrate! Cheri and Bill are seriously
considering marriage. When they did this exercise their list
included the following positives:
• We have similar interests.
• Our faith in God is important to both of us.
• We laugh together a lot.
• We're good at expressing concerns and work together to deal
with them.
The second question we suggest is "What is okay about our relationship,
but could be better?" One thing Cheri wrote down is that she
gets irritated when Bill says he will meet her at specific times but is continually
ten minutes late. Bill honestly can't see why being ten minutes
late is such a big deal.
The third question, "What is one thing you can do to make your
relationship better?" helped Cheri and Bill move forward with this issue.
Bill already knows one thing he can do to make their relationship better.
If he will more realistically estimate his time of arrival and call when
he's running late, perhaps Cheri will be more understanding when he is
late and give him some slack.
LOOKING FORWARD - CELEBRATING THE
FUTURE
Many couples anticipating marriage have a "future focus." It is
exciting to look forward to marriage and dream of how wonderful it
will be, but it is also wise to be realistic and articulate some of your
expectations. Now is the time to take some steps to insure that your
future is based on solid principles.
In our national survey of long-term marriages, we found three
common strands in marriages that are alive and healthy. First, they
put their relationship with each other first; second, both spouses are
committed to growing and changing together; and third, they work at
staying close.
Put Your Relationship First
At this point in your relationship, putting your relationship first is
obvious, but after you say "I do," life happens-careers, children,
sports, hobbies, friends, church activities, or whatever will vie for your
time and attention. Throughout a marriage, partners must continue to
refocus their lives on each other and make their relationship with each
other a higher priority than other relationships or activities.
Most would probably agree that the marriage relationship should be
a top priority, but sometimes in days, hours, and minutes, it just doesn't
work out that way-even when we try. Love is a delicate balancing act.
Some things we can control; others things we must juggle. You might
want to think about your life right now. If you peel off the layers of activities
and time commitments, what is underneath? Do you often have wistful
thoughts about each other? Do you wisely use the time you do have?
Commit to Grow Together
Building a successful marriage includes a lifelong commitment to grow
and change together. Unless you are really committed to your marriage, it
is easy to give up when problems come along. Anyone who has been
married for more than a few days knows that problems will surface.
Continues.
