Chapter One
Choosing a
High-Priority Marriage
Why do we do this to ourselves?" Claudia asked in total frustration.
"No one plans a blowout," Dave responded as he pulled the car
to the side of the road. His logic was no comfort to Claudia. She was
past the point of being objective or logical. As we sat in our disabled
car, we were totally frustrated. Our three weeks in Europe weren't working
out the way we had hoped.
Leading back-to-back Marriage Alive seminars in two different
countries had left us exhausted. And then that day's adventures just
added to our stress. After eight hours in the car, we had spent the
evening talking with Tim and Francis, parents of four children, about
how they could survive their children's adolescence.
Now, late at night, all we wanted to do was get back to our hotel
and hit the sack. But as we drove up the dark, winding, Alpine road,
we hit something else. The sudden jolt and rough ride confirmed our
fears-a sharp rock had caused a blowout.
Timing couldn't have been worse. The night air was frigid; our
compact rental car was loaded with our luggage and food. The next
morning we were to begin a week's vacation in the Austrian Alps. But
there we sat! Our hotel was not within walking distance. It was cold,
and we were too tired to unload the car to search for a spare tire, so we
drove on to the hotel with the flat tire. The next morning, before we
could start our vacation, Dave had to replace the tire.
But our story doesn't end here. Later that day we made it to our
mountain chalet. Two hours after we arrived, Claudia noticed that her
back was becoming more and more uncomfortable. She tried walking
it off, but the pain increased. We spent the whole week doing nothing
because Claudia literally couldn't move.
Marriage sometimes reminds us of that Austrian experience. We
travel overloaded and stressed-out. We keep talking about finding time
up the road to regroup and relax, but before we reach that point, we
have a blowout. Maybe you haven't experienced a major blowout in
your relationship. It's more like a slow leak. But you know that if you
want to keep growing together, you need to take some time to work on
your relationship. Throughout our thirty-four-year marriage we have
experienced both.
OUR MARRIAGE CRISIS
Years ago we came to a critical point in our marriage. In 1973, we
moved to Germany for Dave's job as a consultant for an international
organization. Dave was enthusiastic about the move; Claudia was
not. She missed home, family, friends, and Pampers. We had three small
children and no baby-sitters or "Mom's Day Out" opportunities. We
didn't speak German yet and had no telephone for eight months.
The one thing we did have was time together. But while we were
physically together, emotionally we were miles apart. We felt disconnected.
Alone. Isolated. Before moving to Germany, we had prided ourselves
on having a great marriage. But over the years the little barnacles
had built up on our marriage ship. They became glaringly evident when
the waves of activity subsided. Suddenly we had time to talk-time to
face issues previously ignored.
One morning as we stared at each other across the kitchen table, we
realized how far apart we had drifted.
"Dave, I don't feel like I even know you anymore," Claudia said,
looking across the table at Dave and bursting into tears. "I don't feel
comfortable here. I can't speak German. Our boys have no friends, and
whatever happened to our friendship? Now that we actually have time
to talk to each other, what do we have to say?"
"Claudia, I know the stress and pressures of moving a family of five
halfway across the world in six weeks have taken their toll," Dave said.
"But I also know we love each other. We can work things out."
The one thing we agreed on that morning was our need to regroup.
We loved each other and were committed to our marriage, but the recent
months had pushed us apart instead of pulling us together. We both
wanted to renew our relationship and move closer to each other.
That Saturday morning, over two cups of coffee, we agreed to start
over. We began to talk about our relationship and to focus on positive
memories. Our conversation drifted back to the time we met. We talked
again about what had attracted us to each other-Dave's easygoing
personality and listening ear, Claudia's endless ideas and energy. (Somehow,
after marriage, we had redefined those attractions as Dave's being
too slow and Claudia's over commitment and lack of focus.) We talked
about our first date and about our certainty three weeks later that "this
was it!" We found ourselves reliving a long-forgotten part of our lives.
And as we focused on the positive memories, we were able to tackle
the problems of the present. For the first time we took a good look at
our marriage and talked through our relationship-where it appeared
to be heading and where we wanted it to go. We identified three marriage
goals.
THREE MARRIAGE GOALS
Our first goal was to look at and evaluate where our marriage was
at the present. Without realizing it, we had grown apart-both felt
alone and isolated. It is possible to be married and still be all alone-to
be physically close but emotionally miles away. In thinking back over
our marriage history before we moved to Germany, we realized that the
times we felt most alone and disconnected were the times we were too
busy. We used to kid about having a front-door relationship. As one of
us came in the door, the other handed off the kids and left. Both of us
were over committed and over involved in activities outside the home.
We kept saying we needed to find time to talk through some issues, but
we had difficulty actually finding that time-until we moved to Germany.
Then we didn't know what to do with it. We needed to focus.
Our second goal was to set some long-term marriage goals-to
look at where we wanted our marriage to be in six months, in one year,
in five years. What did we want our marriage to look like when we had
been married for fifty years? We began to set some bite-sized goals and
to work toward each one-step by step. As we reached one, it encouraged
us to continue.
One of our first steps was coming up with a more equitable plan for
our evenings. Dave agreed to begin bathing and reading to our boys
while Claudia did the kitchen cleanup. After being with the boys all day,
she was ready for a break. Also, we invested in an automatic dishwasher,
which, in Germany at that time, was considered a luxury; for us, it was
a marriage saver. After the boys were in bed and the kitchen was tidy,
we'd have time to be together.
It didn't always work out, but once a week we tried to put the boys
to bed early and have a quiet candlelit dinner for two. Sometimes we
were just too tired to talk, but other times our late dinners were a real
catalyst for intimate conversations and sharing. And as difficult as it
was to find sitters, we began to schedule monthly dates.
Our third goal was to learn some new skills or to learn to use the
old ones we already knew but didn't use, such as really listening to each
other and not just thinking about what we wanted to say when the
other stopped talking. We also worked on dealing with anger and conflict.
It was hard not to attack each other, but when we took time to
calm down and tried resolving issues together, our relationship was
strengthened. Often, the problem wasn't just knowing what to do, but
doing what we knew! Setting goals really helped us get turned around.
We were able to reaffirm that we had a great partnership, but it took
lots of work, and it didn't happen overnight. We discovered marriage
is a journey-not a destination-and today we still work to make our
marriage a high priority.
REMEMBER WHEN?
Years ago in Germany, we found that focusing on our good memories
reminded us of how important our marriage was. And just reliving
our romance reignited the spark. Has the romance dissipated in your
marriage? Stop for a moment and think about that time when you
couldn't bear to be apart. Do you remember the first time you ever saw
each other? We won't forget the day we first met. Claudia was thirteen,
and fifteen-year-old Dave threw her into the swimming pool with her
clothes on! But we were first attracted to each other when we met after
Claudia graduated from high school. After finishing his freshman year at
Georgia Tech, Dave was again spending the summer with his grandmother
who lived in the same small North Georgia town where Claudia
grew up. Dave's impish nature was still in full force, but he was also fun-loving,
adventurous, and a college man! Claudia's vivaciousness, enthusiasm
for life, and the twinkle in her eyes were irresistible to Dave.
What attracted you to your mate when you first met? What do you
think attracted your mate to you? What about your first date? Do you
remember the first time you talked about getting married? The first time
we seriously talked about getting married was in the middle of our college
years. The Cuban missile crisis traumatized our nation-and us! The Russian
missiles were headed for Cuba, and the United States had its blockade
in position. We were convinced that the world was going to blow up
and that we might never get to live together as husband and wife. So two
months later, at Christmas, we got married-without the benefit of pre-marriage
seminars, counseling, or any of the other helps available today.
What do you remember about your wedding day? We reacted
totally differently. Claudia was so nervous that she hardly slept the
whole night before. Dave took a nap an hour before the ceremony and
would have missed the wedding if his dad hadn't awakened him!
Think about the first place you called "home." Our first home was
a tiny basement apartment. We were still in college and had all hand-me-down
furniture, including a bed with too-short slats that kept falling in!
Think about the times you have felt especially close to your mate.
It might have been at the birth of a child, during an intimate weekend
away, or on a walk on the beach.
It's fun to think back into our history and remember the excitement of
that time when we realized we were in love. Memories help us to remember
just how important our marriage is and why we want to keep nurturing
our relationship. They motivate us today to make our marriage a high
priority. We hope revisiting your memories will help affirm that your marriage
is also a high priority! So how can we keep our marriages growing?
THREE PRINCIPLES FOR A
HIGH-PRIORITY MARRIAGE
In our national survey of long-term marriages, we found three common
strands in those marriages that are alive and healthy. First, the
marriage relationship comes before other relationships; second, both
spouses are committed to growing and changing together; and third,
they work at staying close. In this chapter we want to consider how
these three principles will help you make your marriage a high priority.
Ignoring any one of them will be unhealthy for your marriage.
Put Your Marriage First
When we marry, we promise to stand by each other in sickness and
in health till death do us part. It is both a physical act and an attitude
of preferring each other above all others.
At a recent wedding, the unique presentation of the couple by both
sets of parents impressed us with how important it is to affirm our marriage
as our priority relationship from the very beginning. It went something
like this:
Celebrant: The union of this couple brings together two family
traditions, two systems of roots, in the hope that a new family
tree may become strong and fruitful. Theirs is a personal
choice and a decision for which they are primarily responsible.
Yet their life will be enriched by the support of the families
from which each comes. Will you parents encourage this
couple in their marriage?
Parents: We will.
Celebrant: Do you celebrate with them the decision they have
made to choose each other?
Parents: We do.
Celebrant: Will you continue to stand beside them, yet not
between?
Parents: We will.
Patricia told us, "Harry and I didn't get along well at all in the first
months of our marriage. After one ghastly fight, I remember calling my
mother, wanting to go home. My mom refused. 'You married Harry,'
she told me. 'You've just got to work it out.'"
Running home to Mama was not an option-Patricia had to learn
how to work things out with her husband, Harry. She had to cut the
emotional apron strings.
Sometimes it's hard for parents to step back and not give advice and
interfere. But throughout a marriage, partners must continue to refocus
their lives on each other and give their relationship with each other a
higher priority than other relationships. And it's not just in-law relationships!
If you put your career, children, sports, hobbies, or whatever before
your mate, nothing you can buy or give your mate will really satisfy.
Is there anything in your life you need to give a lower priority than
your relationship with your mate? What about your job? Or your children?
What about your hobbies or friends or television? Are you over involved
in community, church, or civic activities? We knew one
husband who had a different function to attend every night of the week!
Unless you are willing to make your relationship with your spouse a
higher priority than other relationships and activities, you will not have
a growing marriage.
Most would probably agree that the marriage relationship should
be a top priority, but in days, hours, and minutes, sometimes it just
doesn't work out that way-even when we try. Cindy and Doug have
three active boys four years old and younger. Sometimes the stress of
parenting gets to them. "We really try to make our relationship a priority,"
Cindy said. "Last week I went through the hassle of getting a sitter
and we slipped away to a restaurant, but we just sat there and stared
at each other. We were too exhausted even to talk!"
Love is a delicate balancing act. Some things we can control; other
things we juggle. An excellent book to help you find balance (without
adding more guilt) is Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John
Townsend (Zondervan).
If we peel off the layers of activities and time commitments, what
is underneath? Do you often have wistful thoughts about your mate?
Do you use wisely the time you do have? We told Cindy and Doug that
they probably needed to go somewhere and sleep instead of forcing tired
conversation over a meal. We suggested that they try to get away for
twenty-four hours and even offered to be the milk carrier for their baby.
Continues.
