Chapter One
Married Outside
of Eden * * *
Marriage is not simply the luck of the draw, or
something that we get involved in which just
unfolds before us like a long movie.
Good marriages, like good individual lives or good art, are conscious creations. They are made. Kevin and Marilyn Ryan
Do you sometimes wish you could once and for all insulate your
marriage from failure and frustration, that you could shockproof
your sacred bond? Do you ever long for spiritual shortcuts on
the road to holiness together?
Our easily distracted human heart seeks the easy detours. Whether
living our life or loving our husband, we prefer wide, paved roads to
the rugged, step-by-step path that requires us to continually seek and
submit to God's will, pray about everything, get help when we need
it, thank God for
allHe has done, and travel on.
But marriage, of course, isn't a smoothly paved, predictable journey;
it's a bumpy love-in-action relationship filled with disorienting roadside
challenges and constant surprises. Wedded life requires strenous, openhearted
endurance-a continuing, conscious effort to remain obedient to
God's transforming work in our life-over hundreds of months and thousands
of days. A healthy marriage can't be built
immediately
, but it
canbe
built. Couples committed to creating one must carefully construct and
cement their bond, layer by layer.
Arduous Demands and Astonishing Surprises
"The divine design is no mistake," writes Gladys Hunt, author of
Ms.
Means Myself
. "The mutual attraction of male and female calls us to
confront our aloneness, out of our independence to see that we need
each other. It is the foundation of human history. We are meant to
enhance each other, to affirm the other's personhood and to discover
that in our mutual dependence we solve the mystery of our existence."
The exclusive intimacy marriage requires is obviously part of God's
plan for us. Even so, loving our husband-
genuinelyloving him according
to the way love is defined in the New Testament-doesn't come naturally
for any of us. When our husband disagrees with us, offends us, or
annoys us, our desire to continuously care for and cherish him is challenged.
This, too, is part of God's plan for us: learning what love is, and
what it's not, within the incredibly instructive context of marriage.
"Scriptures give us careful, meticulous descriptions of the many
aspects of love," Stuart and Jill Briscoe point out in
Living Love
. "It's
important to take a close look at the sixteen descriptions of love in
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and not get sidetracked when reading it simply
because it is so familiar or so beautiful. There are rugged, abrasive
qualities in this passage that describe what love really is when it is in
operation Love is not primarily something that you feel. You cannot
love with God's love, merely by oohing and aaahing over the 'love
chapter.' The Scriptures require action."
Marriage is full of staggering wonder and risk, incomprehensible
mystery and surprise, unique joys and sorrows. Over the course of a
marriage, life can be amazingly serene at certain moments, completely
exasperating at others. Given the imperfect, fallen world we live in,
every day we face the startling possibility that we will experience the
effects of sin, loss, and disappointment. As Eve's daughters, our marriage
makes its way outside of Eden.
The apostle Paul expressed this reality well when he wrote, "We
know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of
childbirth right up to the present time" (Romans 8:22). What a powerful
statement! As a veteran childbirth educator and the mother of
four children, my heart almost skips a beat when I read this Bible passage.
The whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth
as it awaits its final redemption from the effects of the Fall
-and it still
is. Can you hear the groaning?
Though it's easy on difficult days to forget our ultimate goal, our
labor and our groans are deeply productive where God's eternal purpose
for us is concerned: "For our light and momentary troubles are
achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix
our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen
is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).
The Real Task at Hand
Do you believe God is productively and perfectly working for the good
of your marriage, for your husband, and for you? Do you daily trust
God to shape and design your husband's life-and also your own?
I don't know about you, but when I experience frustration or
anger regarding my husband's attitudes or actions, I usually slip into
Control Mode. I tend to cope with both big and small concerns about
my spouse by subtly (or not so subtly) attempting to redirect, reorganize,
and redecorate him. When things start getting messy, I want
to straighten up my husband's life.
For example, when David drives too fast, I tend to sigh loudly,
raise my eyebrows in disapproval, and point out the obvious speed
limit signs. Even though I know my tendency will fail to transform his
driving, I would like to spare both of us the embarrassment and
expense of a traffic citation. It's hard for me not to say anything to my
husband, even though one well-timed speeding ticket would have a far
greater effect on David's driving than all my sighs, eyebrow raising,
and finger pointing combined. As you can imagine, this same principle
applies to any number of areas of our life together.
I realize my behavior seems fairly ridiculous. After all, what educated
woman treats her husband as if he were a continuing interior
design challenge? I can't help but think that if Eve had been completely
content with Adam, God, and herself, she might never have
presumed to eat the forbidden fruit, nor would she have offered "just
a tiny bite" to her husband.
Perhaps you, too, see the problem. This age-old behavior pattern
concerning husband improvement is, I suspect, something I share
with many women, including my famous foremother from the Garden
of Eden.
Regardless of how much we love our husband, we will dislike certain
things about him, as he will dislike certain things about us. If we
lay down our desire to control, however, and open our hearts to see
our husband as he really is rather than focusing on who we want him
to be, our ability to love and forgive and bless him will grow. When
we accept the responsibility of understanding and appreciating our
husband's uniqueness-the sum total of his singular spiritual, physical,
psychological, and social attributes-our focus remains where it
belongs: on God, and on His unchanging purposes and promises for
our marriage, our husband, and ourself.
The inconstant world where we negotiate our
en routeexistence is
not what it once was, nor what it will one day be. Life, like labor, is
full of arduous demands and astonishing surprises. We live in a physically,
emotionally, and spiritually trying environment that C. S. Lewis,
the inspired British writer and philosopher, called "the shadowlands."
Our daily pilgrimage unfolds in a varied landscape of not-yet-fully
illuminated places that continually challenge us to go deeper, go further,
with God. If we rise to the challenge, we can expect to see and
understand better His life-giving, glorious reality.
Focus Points
Wedded life requires a continuing, conscious effort to remain
obedient to God's transforming work in our life. God is productively
and perfectly working for the good of your marriage, for your husband, and for you.
Given the imperfect, fallen world we live in, every day we face
the startling possibility that we will experience the effects of
sin, loss, and disappointment. But our labor and our groans
are deeply productive where God's eternal purpose for us is
concerned.
If we lay down our desire to control our husband-if we open
our heart to see him as he really is rather than focusing on who
we want him to be-our ability to love and forgive and bless
him will grow.
When we accept the responsibility of understanding and appreciating
our husband's uniqueness, our attention remains where
it belongs: on God and on His unchanging purposes and
promises for our marriage, our husband, and ourself.
Words to Remember
The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he
has made. (Psalm 145:13)
Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are
evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the
Lord's will is. (Ephesians 5:15-17)
Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding
to learn your commands. (Psalm 119:73)
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children.
(Ephesians 5:1)
Real Guys
"Kind, helpful, and unselfish actions always lift my spirits emotionally,
spiritually, and even physically. But one thing transcends the
attention focused upon me. I have heard friends of my wife comment,
'What a great husband you have!' Others tell me directly,
'What a wonderful relationship you and your wife must have.' You
see, it's not only that she has done something to me to be a blessing,
but that she has acknowledged to other people the blessing of what
we have together."-Jim
Personal Reflections
1. At what point in your marriage, if ever, do you first remember
thinking, "This is harder than I thought it was going to be"? How did God help you keep going? What have you learned
along the way?
2. Complete these thoughts in your journal:
The destination we're aiming for in our marriage is .
On difficult days, it helps to remember .
God met me at a point of need in my marriage when .
3. If you're currently struggling with an annoying character trait
or habit that's really bugging you about your husband and it's
clear he isn't interested in making a change right now, what
will you do to relieve your feelings of anger, hurt, or frustration? Record your thoughts and feelings and prayers-for
your eyes only.
Prayers
Praying God's Blessing for Our Marriage
God, be gracious to us and bless us and make your face shine upon
us, that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all
nations.-Psalm 67:1-2
Praying God's Blessing for My Husband
God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant
brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the
sheep, equip my husband with every good thing for doing your will, and
may you work in my husband what is pleasing to you, through Jesus
Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.-Hebrews 13:20-21
Closing Prayer
O God of patience and consolation, give us such goodwill, we
beseech Thee, that with free hearts we may love and serve Thee and
our brethren; and, having thus the mind of Christ, may begin heaven
on earth, and exercise ourselves therein till that day when heaven
where love abideth shall seem no strange habitation to us. For Jesus
Christ's sake. Amen.-Christina G. Rossetti (1830-1895)
Blessings Now
Open your heart to seeing your husband as he is in his Father's
eyes rather than thinking about who you want him to be.
Nurture emotional as well as physical intimacy. Touch your
husband while silently praying for his physical, emotional, and
spiritual well-being.
Admit it when you realize you're wrong: "Therefore confess
your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you
may be healed" (James 5:16).
For at least one day, set aside thoughts of your husband's faults
or shortcomings. Focus instead on God's unchanging promises
and purposes for him.
Try to understand your husband's opinion during a disagreement
or dispute. Aim to make allowances for the differences
between you.
Extend grace in place of negative criticism: Identify one thing
about your husband that really bugs you and decide from this
day forward you will avoid trying to change this particular
behavior.
Encourage your partner to play. Ask him what he would like to
do with his evening, then help protect his time by taking his
phone calls and limiting interruptions.
Avoid taking your husband for granted today. Express your
appreciation for your beloved by putting your love into action
on his behalf in some noticeable, new way.
Slow down. Savor a quiet moment together behind closed doors.
Boldly go where no woman has gone before: Invite your husband
to imagine a future with you in which you picture growing
old together. Talk about your hopes, dreams, and fears
about turning 30 . 40 . 50 . 60 . 70 and beyond.
(Continues.)
