Chapter One
SESSION ONE
What's a Boundary,
Anyway?
Before You Lead
Key Points
• Love is at the heart of marriage, but it is not enough. The marriage relationship
needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredients are freedom and
responsibility.
• For intimacy in marriage to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.
• In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning
and the end of something.
• If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who "owns" things
such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. I know to whom they "belong." And if
there is a problem with one of those, I know to whom the problem belongs as
well.
• When spouses are free to not react to each other, each takes responsibility for his
or her own issues and loves the other person even when he or she does not
deserve it. Free from each other's control, each gives love to the other freely,
and that love transforms the individuals and produces growth in their marriage.
• Words (especially the word no), truth about God and about who you are, consequences,
emotional distance, geographical distance, other people, and time (as
in "time away from") are some examples of boundaries.
• We are responsible for our feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, choices,
thoughts, values, limits, talents, desires, and love, all of which lie within our
boundaries.
Synopsis
Marriage is about love. It is being bound together by the care, need, companionship,
and values of two people, which can overcome hurt, immaturity, and selfishness
to form something better than what each person alone can produce. Yet
while love is at the heart of marriage, it is not enough. The marriage relationship
needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredients
are freedom and responsibility.
While many things go into producing and maintaining love, over
and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When
boundaries break down, marriages break down as well. For intimacy to
develop and grow, there must be boundaries. In the simplest sense, a
boundary is a property line. If I know where the boundaries are in our
relationship, I know who "owns" things such as feelings, attitudes, and
behaviors. I know to whom they "belong." And if there is a problem
with one of those feelings, attitudes, or behaviors, I know to whom the
problem belongs as well.
A marriage relationship requires that each partner have a sense of
ownership of himself or herself. The first way in which clarifying
boundaries helps us is to define where one person ends and the other
begins. What is the problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me?
If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsible
for it, then we are in the driver's seat of change.
Freedom, responsibility, and love-something incredible happens
as these three ingredients of relationship work together. As love grows,
spouses become freer from the things that enslave: self-centeredness,
sinful patterns, past hurts, and other self-imposed limitations. They
gain a greater and greater sense of self-control and responsibility. As
they act more responsibly, they become more loving.
Put differently, when spouses are free to not react to the other,
they take responsibility for their own issues, and they love the other
person even when he or she does not deserve it. Free from each other's
control, they give love to each other freely, and that love transforms
the individuals and produces growth in their marriage.
We'll look at Stephanie and Steve's marriage in light of this triangle
of freedom, responsibility, and love. Stephanie was suffering from the
emotional distance that being on the wrong side of a one-sided relationship
creates. But she took some steps to change that relationship.
First, she figured out where she ended and where Steve began. When
she did, she realized that there was really very little of her in the marriage.
She had adapted to her husband and had complied with him so
much that she could no longer even remember what it felt like to be
herself. But she realized that she could not blame Steve for her loss of
herself. She was the one who, afraid of conflict, had complied with his
wishes. She had to take ownership of her passivity.
At this point in her journey, Stephanie made a mature decision. She
took responsibility for her own misery and began to work on it in the
relationship. She didn't-as many people do-leave the relationship in
order to "find herself." Nothing is farther from "getting boundaries" than
leaving a relationship! Boundaries in marriage are about healing relationships,
not ending them.
As Stephanie took ownership and responsibility for her life, Steve was forced to
take responsibility for his own, and their marriage improved. Steve also learned to
love Stephanie's freedom. He began to be attracted by her independence instead of
threatened by it. Their love grew, and they grew as individuals as well. They became
better defined, more free and responsible, and more in a position to love and be
loved. This is the high calling God created marriage to be.
Session Outline (52 minutes)
I. Introduction (8 minutes)
A. Welcome (5 minutes)
B. Opening Prayer (1 minute)
C. Overview (2 minutes)
II. Discovery (42 minutes)
A. Video Segment: Stephanie's Story (2 minutes)
B. Time for Thought: A Look in the Mirror (5 minutes)
C. Video Segment: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (3 minutes)
D. Time to Talk: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (10 minutes)
E. Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage (7 minutes)
F. Time to Act: Identifying My Property Lines (15 minutes)
III. Wrap-up (2 minutes)
Recommended Reading
"A Tale of Two Couples" and "What's a Boundary, Anyway?" the introduction
and chapter 1 in Boundaries in Marriage
8 MINUTES Introduction
5 minutes Welcome
Call the group together. Welcome the participants to Session 1 of theBoundaries in Marriage course: "What's a Boundary, Anyway?" Introduce
yourself: Tell the group your name, a little about yourself (including
how long you've been married), and why you are excited about
leading this series. Depending on the size of the group, have couples
introduce themselves-either to everyone or to the people near them
and say how long they have been married.
1 minute Opening Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank you for those who have gathered here and
for what you have for us to learn about ourselves, about our marriages,
and about your plan for marriage. May we hear your truth with our
hearts as well as our ears and apply it to our lives in new and freeing
ways. Jesus, we look to you to be our guide and teacher as we begin
learning more about boundaries, how they can work in marriage, and
how each of our marriages can become more what you want it to be.
In Jesus' name. Amen.
2 minutes Overview
Participant's Guide page 9.
Note: On each facing right-hand page is a copy of the corresponding
Participant's Guide page(s).
In these eight sessions, we are going to look at boundaries in marriage
-what they are and how they can help us respect each other's
needs, choices, and freedom so that we can give ourselves freely and
lovingly to each other. This course is based on Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr.
John Townsend's best-selling book Boundaries in Marriage.
Hold up a copy of Boundaries in Marriage. At this point you may wish
to offer the book and the Boundaries in Marriage Workbook for sale
as additional resources or simply mention where copies can be
obtained.
Before we begin the first video segment, let me tell you a little bit
about your Participant's Guide. During our eight sessions, we will discuss
various topics as a large group. You will also meet together in small
groups, sometimes you'll talk to the person next to you or to your
spouse, and you'll also work alone on some exercises. The Participant's
Guide will help you stay focused and keep us moving through this challenging
and life-changing material.
Please turn to page 9 in your Participant's Guide.
[right arrow] Today we'll see that love, freedom, and responsibility are the
necessary ingredients if a marriage is to grow and thrive. We'll
also define "boundaries," look at some examples of boundaries,
and consider their importance. You will recognize that you are
responsible for your feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors,
choices, thoughts, values, limits, talents, desires, and love, all of
which lie within your boundaries.
42 Minutes Discovery
2 minutes Video Segment: Stephanie's Story
Let's begin with a video clip of someone who might remind you
of yourself and your marriage. Please turn to page 10 in your Participant's
Guide. You'll see that the authors have listed the key points from
the video segment so you don't have to take notes while you're watching.
You can use these later to review what was covered.
View Video Segment: Stephanie's Story.
That snapshot of Stephanie's marriage may remind you of your
own marriage. If that's the case, be encouraged by the happy ending.
Now let's see what we can learn from Stephanie's example. Please turn
to page 11 in your Participant's Guide.
View Video Segment: Stephanie's Story.
5 Minutes Time for Thought: A Look in the Mirror
Participant's Guide page 11.
Directions
You will be doing this exercise on your own. Take 5 minutes to
answer the questions on page 11 and reflect on your own marriage.
Afterwards, we'll look at another video segment and discover three key
ingredients for a good marriage. Any questions?
Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call the
group back together after 5 minutes.
3 minutes Video Segment:
Love, Freedom, and Responsibility
You've had a few minutes to think about your own marriage. And
your marriage is what you need to keep in mind as Dr. Townsend and
Dr. Cloud are speaking. In this segment called Love, Freedom, and
Responsibility, we'll start learning about three key ingredients to a good
marriage.
Remind the participants that key points from the video segment can be
found on page 12 of the Participant's Guide if they would like to review
them at a later time.
View Video Segment 2: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility
10 minutes Time to Talk:
Love, Freedom, and Responsibility
Participant's Guide page 13
The triangle of love, freedom, and responsibility may be a new
lens through which to look at your marriage. Let's take some time to
talk together about how those three elements affect a marriage relationship.
Please turn to page 13 in your Participant's Guide.
Directions
With your spouse, turn to another couple near you and take 10
minutes to share your answers to the three questions listed on page 13
of your Participant's Guide. Any questions?
Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call the
group back together after 10 minutes.
I trust that this time of reflection and discussion was a helpful and
encouraging way for you to start thinking more deeply about the
dynamics of marriage and to appreciate a few good things about your
own marriage.
As Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend say when they're speaking to married
couples like us, today is the day to work on your own boundaries
in marriage. What you take the initiative to deal with today will affect
the rest of your married life. And what you ignore or are afraid to
address will do the same. With that in mind, let's look now at what
boundaries are.
7 minutes Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage
Remind the participants that key points from the video segment can be
found on page 14 of the Participant's Guide if they would like to review
them at a later time.
View Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage.
15 minutes Time to Act: Identifying My Property Lines
Participant's Guide page 15-18
Responsibility, freedom, and love-boundaries are key to the protection
of all these factors in a marriage relationship. Please turn to
page 15 in your Participant's Guide.
Directions
Take 15 minutes to start reading through the questions beginning
on page 15. They are designed to help you consider different types of
boundaries, to see where your boundaries are, and to decide where you
could shore them up. You won't have time to finish this exercise right
now, but you'll be encouraged to do so in the Boundary Building section
at the end of this session.
Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call the
group back together after 15 minutes.
2 Minutes Wrap-up
Participant's Guide pages 19-21
Before we close this session in prayer, let's take a look at the
Boundary Building section on pages 19 to 21 of your Participant's
Guide. This section will appear at the end of each of our eight sessions.
The questions and exercises included there are intended to help you
put into action the concepts about which you are learning or to occasionally
think more about them. I encourage you to at least read
through the questions and exercises. Even if you aren't able to spend
as much time with them as you like, anything further you can do will
help strengthen your marriage.
1 minute Closing Prayer
Participant's Guide page 19.
Please turn to page 19 in your Participant's Guide and follow along
as I read the prayer printed there.
Lord God, after just one session, we're seeing more clearly what a
high calling marriage is! In order for us to respond to that calling, please
help us learn to take ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behaviors;
to take responsibility for our choices, desires, thoughts, values, talents,
and love; and both to grant our spouses freedom and responsibly
act on the freedom our spouses grant us. Please give us wisdom as we
use words, truth, consequences, emotional distance, physical distance,
other people, and time to build or strengthen boundaries.
We're a bit nervous as we set out on this journey toward a healthier
marriage, and we're feeling more than a little vulnerable. We know
that you'll be with us each step of the way, and may your presence give
us hope and the willingness to proceed. As we submit ourselves to your
transforming touch, we ask you to be at work in our mates even as you
work to make us more like Christ-in whose name we pray. Amen.
Glad you were here.
Continues.
Continues.
