Chapter One
The Waterfall
ApproachesWhile few dads would describe the preschool and early
school years as a quiet canoe trip down a tranquil
river, believe it or not, the water hasn't even begun to get
choppy. And while some parents manage to raise perfect kids
who help them paddle down the lazy river of mom- and dadhood
(that is, they got extremely lucky because God gave
them compliant children), most seasoned parents aren't bashful
about describing their son's teenage years as thundering
rapids. And they, the parents, are stuck in the back of the boat,
holding the rudder to keep the nose of the boat pointed in
the right direction, mainly hanging on for dear life.
Do you hear the Niagara Falls-like waterfall in the distance?
Some good friends of mine didn't.
Jason, their oldest son, was handsome, athletically gifted,
a great student, and knew how to charm a rich uncle out of
his wallet. And spiritual? No one could memorize verses at
AWANA the way Jason could. By age thirteen, however, his
growth spurt hadn't hit. That left him odd man out at gym
basketball. He got picked with the nerds and smokers. Guess
who his friends started to become? Since the nerds weren't
cool, he picked the smokers. Smokers, as we all remember
from our teenage years, usually became the drinkers, then
the stoners, then the drop-out-of-school-because-it's-so-uncoolers.
Read: every parent's nightmare.
By age eighteen Jason was taking heroin. At age twenty
he was in and out of rehab. He hit bottom by joining the
ranks of the homeless at Union Gospel Mission shelters
throughout the Rocky Mountain region.
Okay, let's push stop on this video from the pit of hades
and realize one thing: your cute grade school son whose voice
is set to change in the not-too-distant future likely won't be on
heroin before the end of the decade. Maybe he won't rebel at
all . not even a little. But maybe you're in dreamland about
what lies ahead. It's tough raising a teenage son. No, real tough.
That's why these years between eight and twelve are perhaps
the most important years of your parenting career. You
have at least four years to solidify the relationship for life.
When your son's a teenager, he'll be busy breaking away, getting
ready for adulthood, and basically trying to pretend in
public he doesn't know you. Fine. Good. You want to let him
go and be a living, breathing adult, clothed and in his right
mind. But when you let adolescents go-or when they let
you go-sometimes they crash . hard.
The safety net your son needs, and the reason God is
keeping you around, is to be there when he comes back. What
will bring him back from a short walk down that prodigal
road-or a long prodigal marathon over the mountains and
canyons he's put between himself and you (or between himself
and God)-is your relationship with him.
A Sure-fire Formula?
Since my own faith journey didn't include growing up in
a Christian home-and since I remember very well what my
journey was like-I've been determined to raise my two boys
in a way in which God's love could always be within their
reach. That means taking them to church, Sunday school,
AWANA, having one-on-one devotions with them . whatever.
My goal has been to have them know Christ early in life
and grow from there.
About ten years ago I thought it would be educational
and enlightening to interview parents who had raised children
who stuck with the faith, and then interview the adult children
who had been raised by these faithful parents. My hope
was that I'd discover the habits and attitudes necessary to
make sure I did it right. (Actually, I was looking for the magic
formula to guarantee that my boys would stick with God-if
one existed.)
My writing partner and I surveyed hundreds of parents
and adult children (over age twenty-one), then followed up
the surveys with dozens of phone interviews. The results
were fascinating.
One-third of our sampling of adult children who had
"made it" had gone through full-blown rebellion. That is,
they left the church-and the Lord-for an extended period
of time before coming back. Another one-third had "rebellious
times" but always stayed in church. The final third
never drifted far from the Lord.
My question was obvious: "What made the two-thirds of
adult children come back to the faith they had-at various
times and in various ways-tried to escape?"
We found out that parents generally had three ways they
tried to impart spiritual truth: (1) emphasizing behavior, (2)
emphasizing content (biblical truth), or (3) emphasizing the
relationship.
If you took these three factors and made them three
rings of a target, what would be your bull's-eye? What would
your son say was your bull's-eye? Bigger question: What's
God's bull's-eye?
An accurate read of the Bible would indicate that all
three are important to a growing, active faith. But only one
thing is the bull's-eye, both between God and us and
between you and your soon-to-be teenager: the relationship.
Jesus didn't have to die because we didn't know the Bible.
And he didn't just die because our behavior wasn't appropriate.
He died because our sinful nature had caused our
hearts to bend away from God. Where our hearts went, our
behavior followed. He died to restore a right relationship
between God and us.
Guess what the one-third of adult children who said they
went into full-blown rebellion perceived their parent's bull's-eye
to be? If you chose behavior, you win a cookie. Conversely,
the ones who stuck with the faith said they had a
great relationship with their parents. With few exceptions,
those who came back to the faith could trace their epiphany
to a renewed relationship with their now older parent. The
reconciliation stories I heard were tearjerkers. It was amazing
to see that when the parent-child relationship was
healed, the relationship with God often followed.
What's your bull's-eye with your son?
While most dads would say it's the relationship, many
are unknowingly implying, by their words and actions, that
good behavior and right beliefs hold the key to Dad's love
and acceptance. A child will naturally conclude that this is
what God is mainly concerned about too. It's not hard to
walk away from a God who only cares about boring theology
and towing the line.
There is certainly a time and a place where behavior and
spiritual content must be emphasized. We don't do our boys
any favors if we let them run amuck, and right beliefs about
God's character and his plan for salvation have to be made
clear. But if both are not seasoned with heavy doses of hugs,
time, and consistent unconditional love, the challenge to better
behavior and right beliefs will fall on deaf ears.
It's not spiritual content.
It's not just behavior.
Those two circles on the target are important but they're
not the bull's-eye. Relationship is.
That's what this book is about. It's designed to give you
tons of ideas about how to creatively-yet with purpose
behind the fun and the serious-give your son a relationship
he can enjoy today and know he can always come back to.
No matter what mistake he's made, no matter how many
miles he seems away from you and God, he will always need
a place to return to.
Relationship is the key for you and God too, isn't it? It's
not just content from God's Word; it's not just you knowing
right from wrong and doing the right; it's that Jesus
Christ died to give you open access to a God of grace and
mercy. God is someone whose arms you can always fall into
when nothing else in life is working. He's someone you canalways come back to.
A human representative of God on planet Earth is what
you're supposed to be to your son, but it doesn't just happen
by accident. It has to be intentional.
If your goal is to give your son everything he needs to face
adulthood and a lifetime of walking with the Savior, this book
will help. But before we get completely started, you need to
understand what type of hand you've been dealt in terms of
how God has uniquely put your son together. All sons are not
created equal. And since you're a motivated dad who wants to
do the best by each son he's been entrusted with, you have
to adjust your dad style to the individual nature of your son.
(Continues.)
