Chapter One
Lie #1
It's okay to flirt with other men.
It's harmless; I'm just having fun.
Jorie was only a high school freshman when she discovered that flirting
often paid off. Her English teacher had rigid rules about turning
assignments in on time. But Jorie, who had matured early, found that
if she sat on the teacher's desk in a short skirt, he often ignored the
penalties when she turned in late papers.
As her high school career progressed, so did Jorie's ability to sense
which teachers she could manipulate with a little bit of feminine charm.
She knew just what to wear to appear innocent yet with a bit of mystery
and sensuality. When she worked it right, flirting never failed her.
Of course, with the guys her age, flirting paid off there, too. A
smile, a quick hug, a certain look in the eye, a touch-Jorie learned
to use these to her advantage. She never failed to have several guys
wrapped completely around her little finger. She could get them to
do anything for her-from helping her with homework (they did her
homework while she did her nails) to buying whatever she wanted-even
to carrying out her vendettas. Sometimes Jorie's power over the
opposite sex surprised even her! It amazed her how a little leg, a little
cleavage, a tight shirt, or a slightly bare midriff could turn guys into
puppy dogs eager to please.
Jorie's parents tried to discourage this behavior when they were
aware of it. Her mom had strict rules about what she could and could
not wear to school-only her mom didn't know that Jorie usually
stopped off at her friend Dana's house on the way to school and
changed her clothes. Off came the sweatshirt and gym shoes and on
went the tight, low-cut sweater and spike heels. In a flash, she transformed
herself into a diva and sauntered into school like she owned
the place. The guys loved it when she poked them on her way by or
made slightly provocative comments when she sat down beside them.
It was no surprise that in her senior year, the yearbook gave Jorie the
"Biggest Flirt" award.
In her sophomore year of college, Jorie met Ryan, a senior headed
for grad school. He loved her flirting, and she was completely infatuated
with him. He was everything she had ever wanted-athletic but
not a jock, intelligent but not geeky. They married at the start of Jorie's
junior year and lived in romantic poverty until they were both out of
school and ready for jobs.
Jorie began working for an advertising firm. She enjoyed the laid-back
atmosphere at the office and being surrounded by creative people.
It wasn't long before she fell back into her old habit of flirting. Just like
her male teachers, many of the men in the office enjoyed her flirting-and
Jorie used her well-honed radar to know which men she could
manipulate by flirting with them. It seemed harmless enough-silly
e-mails, slightly provocative comments, a slight touch. Jorie reasoned
that she was making these guys feel good, so what could be the harm?
Her charms helped her get projects; she was sent on business trips and
moved up the ladder to new responsibilities.
Then Bill, new to the company, became Jorie's boss. Bill was single,
creative, driven, and didn't take no for an answer. He and Jorie hit it off
right away. Their light banter became a staple for their relationship. It
was all meant in fun-at least that's what Jorie thought.
"Hey, why don't you and I work on this project together-at my
place-over drinks?" Bill would say in a mock serious, sensual tone.
"Right. You can't afford me," she'd say in return.
"I didn't know I needed to pay you separately."
She'd laugh and headed back to her desk saying, "Yeah, you wish."
RED FLAG: Are there coworkers or friends with whom you enjoy trading
sexual innuendos?
Once when no one was around, Bill put his arm around Jorie. She
laughed and pushed him away, but later, when they were alone again,
she put her arm around him, just to be a tease.
Bill became a bit more aggressive, promoting Jorie so he could
work with her more. Jorie wanted to take on more responsibility, but it
seemed that Bill was doing all the work and she was just the window
dressing. Yet the pay was so good, Jorie wanted to keep the status
quo. She and Ryan certainly were benefiting from her constant raises.
A little flirting wasn't hurting; it was really helping . at least that's what
she told herself.
Bill and Jorie often visited clients together, either driving or flying.
As these trips became more frequent, the constant flirtation between
them led to other things. Jorie had begun to feel the same pleasure in
Bill's company that she had felt early on in her relationship with Ryan,
before marriage made him more familiar. Flirting with Bill was exciting-a
turn-on. Finally, on an out-of-town overnight trip, Jorie and Bill
slept together in her room.
RED FLAG: Is your behavior with men you know causing problems in your
thought life?
Jorie's sexual relationship with Bill led to another big promotion-beyond
her abilities, but Bill covered for her. After just a few months,
however, Bill was transferred elsewhere, and Jorie's inability to fulfill the
responsibilities of her job was exposed. She and Bill hadn't fooled their
coworkers a bit, and when Bill was gone, Jorie was quickly fired.
She would never forget the drive home on that last day of work.
She felt humiliated. She had flirted with guys all her life-how had flirting
with Bill gotten so out of hand? How had she allowed herself to fall
into this situation? And what was she going to tell Ryan?
She pulled into the driveway, and then sat in her car and wept. She
had to tell Ryan everything, and she didn't know how he would react.
She was terrified that in one day she would lose her reputation, her
self-respect, her job, and her husband.
JUST A LITTLE HARMLESS FUN
Advocates of flirting say that it's a harmless way to improve one's
self esteem and to communicate positive feelings toward someone
else. They couldn't be more wrong.
Flirting describes a wide range of behavior. Teasing, joking,
and laughing with your friends who are men-these can all be
called flirting. But other definitions help us see that flirting has
a more serious and potentially problematic side: "playful behavior
designed to arouse sexual interest" and "to behave amorously
without serious intent." This kind of flirting is sexual and, as Jorie
discovered, can progress from verbal teasing and innuendo to
physical touch and hugs to a sexual relationship. The results can
be devastating, and especially so if you are flirting with men outside
of your marriage.
Above all else, flirting communicates your awareness of another
person's sexuality. At entry level, flirting communicates,
"I'm a woman, and I find you attractive as a man." Unfortunately,
flirting is behavior that is easily misunderstood.
One woman who flirts may be sending the message, "You're
an attractive man and I appreciate that, but I have no intentions
of going further." Another woman's flirting may be saying, "I find
you attractive and wonder if you find me attractive too? Are you
interested in pursuing a relationship?" The differences in the flirting
itself are real but subtle. Which message is heard may depend
more on the recipient than on the person who is doing the flirting.
When you flirt, you are adding a sexual current to your communication
with a man. You are sending the conflicting message
that you are both sexually interested and off limits-and men can
regard that as a challenge.
It's not hard to see, then, that flirting can have a dishonest
element about it, and that's a problem. When you send a message
that you find someone sexually attractive and respond to him in
provocative ways, he may not realize that you have no intention
of acting on the message you are sending. You are, at the core of
your behavior, lying. Yet God places a high premium on honesty
throughout the Bible, and Jesus said, "Simply let your 'Yes' be
'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'" (Matthew 5:37).
If you routinely flirt with your male colleagues or friends and
you wonder about the appropriateness of your behavior, imagine
that someone you respect is watching those interactions. Would
you feel comfortable with this person present? How might he or
she see the situation?
WHO'S IN CONTROL?
Often without realizing it, women flirt to manipulate or control
relationships-to get what we want or need. But when we do this,
we are looking in the wrong places for what we hope to find.
If you are married, you might feel safe in flirting. Because
you're "taken," you may even feel willing to flirt more than you did
before you were married. Let's think about why. Flirting might
make you feel like you are in control and solving your problems
without having to put forth much effort. Maybe you have difficulty
viewing yourself as an adequate person. But rather than turn
to your husband, a trusted friend, or a counselor for help with
this underdeveloped aspect of your character, you take the easier
route of flirting with other men to get attention and to feel more
attractive and valuable. It feels like a solution, it's fun and easy,
and you're in control.
Flirting is using your sexuality in a manipulative way to influence
others and get something you want. But that is not why
God designed us as sexual beings. He intends for our sexuality to
help us express oneness with our marriage partner. The attitude
toward sex found in Genesis 2:24, "A man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh,"
is reflected throughout the Bible.
Flirting also allows us to enjoy the feelings of attraction toward
a man yet not own our behavior-we're not planning to act
on those feelings. Yet we are responsible for our behavior and for
how it is perceived: "So then, each of us will give an account of
himself to God" (Romans 14:12).
SIREN SONG
We are rarely aware of the entire story of someone else's circumstances,
and our behavior may be more of a problem for him than
we realize. That coworker who appears so nonchalant and self-confident
at the office could be struggling with a painful marriage
or a previous job loss; he may be very susceptible to a woman's
flirting because his needs for affirmation aren't being fulfilled in
other ways. Flirting with any man makes you a real source of
temptation to him in his thought life, even if he doesn't respond
with actions.
Jesus places a high standard on our hearts and what we think
about. In the Sermon on the Mount, as He taught about the Ten
Commandments and the kingdom of God, Jesus said, "But I tell
you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). Later, the
apostle Paul directed, "Live in such a way that you will not cause
another believer to stumble and fall" (Romans 14:13, NLT)
For Jorie, flirting was a way to enjoy the feelings of attraction
without having to take responsibility for her behavior or, initially,
to act on those feelings. The mixed message from pretending to
be available while simultaneously keeping Bill at a distance challenged
him, and he responded by becoming more aggressive.
Jorie's behavior produced a sexual tension that eventually she
couldn't handle, and the physical boundaries were crossed. She
had already crossed the boundaries of sexual thoughts toward Bill
long before.
Another issue for Jorie was the manipulative way she used her
sexuality to get what she wanted. Unfortunately, this behavior was
reinforced early in her life, and she'd experienced no negative consequences
she was aware of until now. So she remained convinced
her flirting was harmless, but her situation was similar to always
relying on cheating to pass tests without being caught. Jorie had
learned to subtly use her sexuality to influence and control others,
and now, without any realistic feedback, she continued to flirt
with her coworkers until her circumstances forced her to look at
the results. And now she wonders how things got so out of hand
with a little "harmless flirting."
MIXED MESSAGES
Communication involves what is "said" and what is "heard"-often
with no words spoken at all. The message we are sending
may not be the message that is being received. That can lead to a
terrible result, as Carol learned in a traumatic way.
* Carol is a vibrant, young, energetic Christian woman with a high-level
career in the banking field. Newly married to an up-and-coming
attorney, Carol has a painful secret in her past that has been bubbling
to the surface and causing havoc in her marriage.
In high school, Carol's life had been full of friends and activities. She
was always at the center of whatever was happening-whether it was
school dances, or fund-raisers, or just hanging out. Wherever Carol
was, there soon would be a party. It was all innocent-when they
weren't studying, Carol and her friends spent evenings with popcorn
and a video, making cookies and listening to music, or going to a movie
or Christian concert. She made plans and everyone followed. That was
just the way it was.
Carol enrolled at a state university because her parents couldn't
afford to send her to one of the Christian institutions that had been
at the top of her list. She thought she could handle the pressures of a
secular school. She didn't want to pledge a sorority, but chose instead
to live in the dorm and find other Christians on campus. During her
freshman year, she stayed focused on her grades and away from the
party scene.
But getting to college and trying to remain apart from so many
activities began to cause Carol to feel that she was missing out on so
much. The Christians she met were not the kind of people she wanted
to spend lots of time with. They were . well . boring. Carol wanted some
excitement in her life. She didn't want to drink and do drugs, but she
wanted to get into the center of something fun. Besides, she thought, I
need to meet people if I'm going to impact them. She just didn't realize
how much they would end up impacting her.
When sophomore year began, Carol yearned to be a part of
some of the fun activities around her. She began to let her standards
slip a bit. She still doesn't know whether this happened because she
felt she had been too rigid as a freshman or whether she just got tired
of holding to a line that no longer seemed to matter.
Carol started going out with some of the girls she met in an exercise
class. They seemed safe enough; all of them were health conscious,
so they didn't drink much. Carol felt comfortable with them and spearheaded
some activities, like a morning jog with a stop at Starbucks and
a picnic on the dorm lawn. One Friday afternoon in the winter, one of
the other girls suggested that they go to a local dance club that night.
Carol decided to go along and check it out. She had taken some dance
classes in high school and knew how to swing dance and do some
Latin dance and ballroom moves. It sounded like a fun night out.
She was right. The dance club was fantastic. The girls caught the
eyes of a few of the college guys who also frequented the club and
made their way onto the floor to dance with them. The girls watched
in awe as Carol deftly did dance moves with various partners who also
knew the steps. Carol felt on top of the world.
The dance club became a regular activity. Carol bought herself a
couple of new dresses just for the club, slinky with just the right cut to
move with the music. New strappy shoes finished off her outfits. Every
week she and her friends dressed up and headed out to the club.
One night Gil joined Carol on the dance floor. She had seen him
on campus and had noticed him at the club several times. He was an
incredible dancer. He knew all the right moves so that together they
could swing (complete with spins and tosses) and do some ballroom
too (complete with dips). For laughs, they even did a tango across the
room, with Carol wrapping her leg around Gil and being carried across
the floor. Both of them vamped it up, to the great enjoyment of the
watching crowd.
From then on, Carol and Gil danced together every week. Carol
never thought about the sensuality that was part of her dancing. The
heat, the lights, the music combined to make her feel different than
she'd ever felt before.
(Continues.)
