Chapter One
not just a man's battle!
You stumble day and night
My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.
Hosea 4:5-6
At one time I was having extramarital affairs with five different men.
First, there was Scott. I met him while volunteering at a summer camp. Scott
was so outgoing and talkative. What initially attracted me to him was how he
could have a conversation with anyone-not just a superficial one, but a deep,
meaningful discussion. I could walk into a room and he would pour on the attention,
asking all about how things were going and how I was feeling. In comparison,
however, my husband was a man of few words: the strong, silent type.
Then there was my scuba coach, Mark. With his distinguished, salt-and-pepper
hair, he looked just like Lloyd Bridges. Mark's maturity and love for diving
intrigued me. He encouraged me to overcome my fears and helped me discover my
underwater adventuresome side. I felt safe with him, like a daughter feels safe with
her dad. My husband, on the other hand, was only a few years older than I. He
didn't evoke within me a feeling of being nurtured and safe as Mark did.
Tom was my accounting teacher at the university I attended. What struck me
about Tom was his wit and intelligence. I had expected accounting to be the most
boring of all my classes, but Tom had a way of making it the most fun and interesting
part of my day. My husband was an intelligent accountant also, but he couldn't
make me laugh like Tom did. His wit paled in comparison to Tom's.
Then there was Ray. He had been my boyfriend before I married Greg. Ray was
such a die-hard romantic, heaping compliments on me and sweeping me off my
feet with whirlwind passion. My relationship with my husband never seemed to
have that magic spark that I felt when I was with Ray. Ray had set the romantic
standard that my husband couldn't live up to.
Finally, there was Clark. He was ruggedly handsome, suave, and debonair. I
looked forward to being with him every Friday night. As I approached the counter
at the movie rental store, the owner automatically went to the Classics section and
pulled out any Clark Gable movie. It didn't matter which one. I loved them all.
Even standing tall at six foot and seven inches, my husband just couldn't measure
up to Clark.
Even though I wasn't having sexual intercourse with any of these other men, I
was still having an affair with each of them-a mental and/or emotional affair. My
fantasies of being Clark Gable's leading lady, memories of my romantic relationship
with Ray, and fascination with Tom's wit, Mark's maturity, and Scott's verbal
talents affected my marriage in a way just as damaging as a sexual affair would have.
I was overlooking all of the many wonderful things about my husband because
I was either focusing on the positive attributes of one of these other men or focusing
on my husband's negative attributes. Because I lived with Greg, I saw not just
the good, but also the bad and the ugly. He left the toilet seat up in the middle of
the night. He snored, and when he woke up he had morning breath. Then he'd
brush his teeth and leave toothpaste in the sink. Sometimes I felt that Greg
couldn't do anything to suit me. With all of my criticizing, he probably felt like he
couldn't do anything to suit me, either.
The other men's warts, however, were out of my line of sight. I could look at
them and see nothing but their shining qualities, the kind I initially saw in Greg
but had lost sight of over the years because of all my comparisons.
I felt distanced and disillusioned. Could he ever excite me like the other men
did? Was I still in love with him? Could he ever measure up? Could I ever learn to
live with my less-than-perfect partner?
Fortunately, the positive answers to these questions have surfaced since I ended
these affairs and changed my measuring stick. I am thrilled to report that our marriage
of thirteen years is still going strong and has never been better (although we,
like any other couple, still have our moments). I'm thankful I never traded Greg in
for another model and even more thankful that he didn't give up on me, either.
Together, we have discovered a new level of intimacy that we didn't know existed,
all because I stopped comparing and criticizing and began embracing the uniqueness
of my spouse.
Over the past decade of pursuing my own healing from these (and other)
issues, as well as teaching on the topic of sexual purity and restoration, I have come
to understand that in some way or another sexual and emotional integrity is a
battle that every woman fights. However, many women are fighting this battle
with their eyes dosed because they don't believe they are even engaged in the battle.
Many believe that just because they are not involved in a physical, sexual affair they
don't have a problem with sexual and emotional integrity. As a result, they engage
in thoughts and behaviors that compromise their integrity and rob them of true
sexual and emotional fulfillment.
Let me show you what I mean by introducing you to a few women whose eyes
are closed to the compromises they are making.
* * *
Rebecca has been happily married for over ten years and says that her husband is
very sensitive and caring in bed.
Craig has always been as concerned with my sexual pleasure as he is with his
own. I feel as if it is important to him that I have an orgasm, so most of the
time when we are making love, I just close my eyes and imagine being with
another man. It's not a man that I know or anything. It's just an imaginary
face and body who excites me because I don't know him and it feels dangerous,
you know? The thought of being seduced by this stranger in some exotic
place puts me in the mood for sex. I can't seem to get into that mood just sitting
around the house with my husband. It's not that he's not attractive; I
just get more excited at the thought of a dangerous liaison with someone
whose socks I don't have to pick up off of the floor.
I would never actually do such a thing (at least I don't think I would),
it's just that I feel obligated to climax, and fantasizing about another man just
seems to be the only way I can do that. I don't think there's anything wrong
with it, but I joked about it with Craig one day and now he is making a big
deal out of it. He says he feels betrayed that I am not 'mentally present' with
him during our lovemaking. He says there is no difference between what I
am doing and his looking at pornography, but I don't agree. There's nothing
wrong with this if I'd never really be unfaithful to him, is there? Doesn't every
woman do this?
* * *
Carol is a very attractive woman in her midforties and has been married for over
twenty years. She and her husband, Chris, are leaders in their church and serve as
"marriage mentors" to couples in the congregation needing help in their relationship.
However, Chris often travels out of town with his job, and Carol is left to fly
solo with some sticky counseling situations.
Several months ago Carol received a call around 9 P.M. from Steve, a longtime
member of her Sunday-school class. It was public knowledge that Steve's wife had
been an alcoholic for many years, and on this particular night her drunken rampage
had sent Steve running for cover. He asked Carol if he could come over and
talk with her and Chris for a little while.
"I knew better than to invite Steve to the house since Chris wasn't home. After
all, he was very vulnerable-and very handsome. I suggested we meet for coffee at
a local deli instead. His anguish really tugged on my heartstrings. We talked past
midnight, and I suggested we pray together and then head home since the deli was
trying to dose up."
As Carol bowed her head with her hands clasped on the tabletop, she felt
Steve's strong hands envelop hers and she listened as he poured out his heart in
prayer. "Lord, help my wife to see what she could be if she would just sober up.
Help her to be more patient and kind and caring . like Carol."
Months later, Carol still spends time imagining becoming even more intimate
with Steve. As a matter of fact, things between her and Chris have gotten tense, as
Carol often becomes angry or depressed for no apparent reason. "It just seems like
every time I hear Steve speak in Sunday school, I hang on to every word and wonder
what else I can do to ease his pain without causing any suspicion that I have
developed strong feelings for him. Some days I tell myself that I need to confess
this to Chris and to our pastor and remove myself from the marriage mentoring
program for a while. However, there are many other days that I think, I'm not
doing anything to compromise my marriage, so stop feeling guilty! Just because I find
Steve attractive doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to help him.
* * *
Twenty-eight and single, Sandra has been masturbating often for over fifteen years.
Her struggle began at age twelve, when she found one of her mother's Harlequin
romance novels. A voracious reader, Sandra was soon devouring several novels per
week, becoming sexually aroused and often masturbating to get "relief." Sandra
confesses:
By the time I was out of high school, I was regularly holding a book in one
hand and stimulating myself with the other. While I felt in my heart that
what I was doing was wrong, I could always justify it. After all, the Bible did
not expressly forbid it. God had made my body to be responsive, so He
surely wouldn't deny me this pleasure, would He? Since He had not given
me a husband, I felt it was my right. Surely He couldn't expect me to wait
that long, could He? And who was I hurting? No one else was involved.
However, I have always felt as if there is this barrier between me and
God. I have sensed Him calling me to stop this behavior, to turn away from
it, but the desire is so strong. I stopped reading the romance novels several
years ago, but I still fantasize when I am lying in bed by myself, and I usually
end up masturbating. I always say to myself, "I'll be obedient tomorrow or
next week, but for right now, I just need the release." Sometimes I even get
angry with God and think, If you would give me a husband, I wouldn't have
this problem!
* * *
Lacy has been married seven years and has two young children. Even though she
and her husband, David, got along great while they were dating, things have
steadily gone south in their marriage because of financial pressures. Since David
got laid off last year, he's had to do odd jobs to make ends meet. He took one job
throwing a paper route in a neighborhood across town. He gets up at 4 A.M. to take
care of the paper route responsibilities and then goes to whatever job the temporary
agency has for him that day. Lacy complains:
All David wants to do is work, come home to eat, and then go straight to
bed. He shows little interest in spending time with me or helping out with
the kids. It's a good thing that we don't want any more children because we
rarely ever have sex anymore.
I get jealous when I see other husbands grocery shopping with their
wives, going to church with their families, taking their kids to the park, and
stufflike that. I confessed this to a friend one day, and she said that the grass
is always greener on the other side of the fence. She preached me a little
sermon about coveting thy neighbor's husband, so I just shut up.
Even though I would never divorce because I take my wedding vows
seriously, I often wonder if David will die before me so that maybe I can
have the chance at a happier marriage with a more successful and attentive
husband someday. I often dream about that, usually as I lie in bed by
myself in the morning after David has already left for his paper route.
Somewhere between being fully awake and fully asleep, I have dreams
about going on a date with a new guy who wants to take us all out to eat or
about a new husband who is in the kitchen preparing to bring me breakfast
in bed.
Seeds of Compromise, Harvests of Destruction
Even though none of these women could be tried in a court of law for marital
unfaithfulness and convicted of adultery, haven't they been sowing seeds of compromise?
Doesn't emotional and mental unfaithfulness still compromise our sexual
integrity?
Scripture warns about this very thing:
The one who sows to please [her] sinful nature, from that nature will reap
destruction. (Galatians 6:8)
But each one is tempted when, by [her] own evil desire, [she] is
dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives
birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
(James 1:14-15)
In these scriptures we are called to righteous living. This is the principle: The
pursuit of fleshly desires will end in our ultimate demise. When we sow emotional
and mental seeds of compromise, we reap a harvest of relational destruction. Just
ask Jean.
Caught in the Web of Intrigue
Jean is in her late thirties and married to Kevin, a computer salesman. Once all of
their children entered school, Jean decided to reconnect with some old friends during
her extra free time. With the first big telephone bill, Kevin insisted that Jean
learn to use e-mail to cut down on the expense of all this "reconnecting" she was
doing! Being the adept computer salesman that he was, Kevin convinced Jean that
she could learn to use the Internet just like everyone else.
She loved this new hobby of forwarding cute e-mails, surfing the Web for
coupons, bidding for antiques on eBay, scanning and sending pictures in cyberspace,
and so on. Then Jean discovered chat rooms.
A few minutes in a chat room each day grew into several hours each day. One
morning while waiting for her buddies to log on, she read a question from someone
with the screen name of MiamiMike. "Is anyone out there yet or am I in this
room alone?"
After a few moments, Jean responded, "Looks like it's just you and me!" By the
time Jean's friends finally entered the chat room half an hour later, she and Mike
had found out quite a bit about each other-quite a bit they had in common,
in fact. Jean grew up in Florida and absolutely loved the beach. Reading about
Mike's oceanfront condo while sitting in her snowy Minnesota home gave her
cabin fever.
Jean began dropping the kids off at school and heading straight back home to
go online, knowing that Mike would be expecting her. Once Mike asked her to log
back on that evening so they could chat again before he went to bed.
Continues.
