Chapter One
Can We Talk?
It is impossible to talk about sex and not be direct, candid and
forthright at every point; but my experience in Christian circles
has at times suggested that such candor is unwelcome. I offer no
excuse or justification for the prudishness that has often cluttered
clear communication among "the holy," but rather I have
sought to tear down the barricades to simple honesty in communication-often
using humor (getting us to laugh at ourselves)-without
being either tawdry, cheap or irreverent.
In opening seminars or sermons I've presented on God's
Word and human sexuality, I've often related the following story
clipped out of a newspaper decades ago.
A middle-aged and intensely modest woman was planning
to spend her summer vacation with her husband at a campground
in the South. Not wanting to arrive unprepared, she
wrote a letter to the campground manager inquiring about the
lavatory facilities. When she wrote the word "toilet" in the letter,
it seemed too bold to her intense sense of propriety. So she
changed "toilet" to the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode."
Still feeling that was too bold, she decided to abbreviate
it and simply use the letters "BC." What she wrote was "Does the
campground have its own BC?"
When the campground manager read that sentence, he had
no idea what the woman was talking about. He showed it to
some other people, and they couldn't figure it out either. Finally,
he decided that she must be asking about whether the campground
had its own Baptist Church.
With that in mind, here is what the campground manager
wrote back.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but
I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located
nine miles north of the campground. And it is capable of seating
250 people at a time. I admit that is quite a distance away
if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt, you will
be pleased to know that a great number of people take their
lunches along and make a complete day of it. They usually
arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went
was six years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand up the
whole time. I would say, it pains me not to go more often, but
it is surely no lack of desire on my part. However, as we grow
older, it seems to be more of an effort. If you do decide to come
down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first
time. I'd be glad to sit with you and introduce you to all the
other people. We want you to know this is a friendly campground.
I've shared that exchange of letters around the world and
never found an audience that didn't laugh hilariously-or at
least get the point. It's a humorous and useful lesson in what
happens when we are not clear, direct and forthright, and how
confusing speech can become when we aren't totally candid.
And I share this story to prepare you, since I want to speak
frankly-neither religiously nor crudely, but bluntly and pointedly-on
the subject of sex.
Neither "God" nor "sex" are four-letter words, yet this discussion
has always been subject to a number of hindering myths:
that sex is fundamentally sinful (it isn't), that the fall of
humankind was due to sex (it wasn't) and that prudishness
equals holiness (it doesn't). Do you think God was surprised
when He saw Adam and Eve rustling in the bushes and declared,
"How awful! What have I done?"
These hindering myths have been promoted by the silence of
the pulpit-a silence often reinforced by teaching that the virgin
birth was necessary because intercourse is essentially sinful even
within marriage and, among some traditions, that the priesthood
should be celibate because deep devotion, or fullest holiness,
is impossible to those who engage in sexual love. This
silence, at times, has resulted in some of the worst cases of sexual
sin; ignoring our sexuality will never lead us to freedom-truth
about it will. As Jesus Himself said, "You shall know the truth,
and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). The absence of
truth, clarity and gracious instruction lends itself to an atmosphere
conducive to bondage-either the bondage of rebellion
against distortion or the bondage of an unrealistic view of our
humanness.
Why Is the Pulpit So Silent?
The issue of sex is too seldom addressed by spiritual leaders,
other than by occasional bland superficial comment or sporadic
blasting condemnation. This reticence isn't so much because
of embarrassment but because of the potential awkwardness
of the theme. No leader wants to fumble words with such a delicate
subject as sex, to stumble into appearing either naive
or unduly knowledgeable or to communicate a heavy-handed,
guilt-inducing spirit of condemnation. Faithful leaders don't
want to be misunderstood about the biblical imperative on
sexual purity; and it's easier to presume that people know what's
right and wrong than it is to thread through the myriad
questions and problems that surface when the subject is addressed.
Further, pulpits are sometimes silent on the subject of sex
because of the leader's own past personal fracture or wound-even
a point of personal bondage in his or her own private life. My wife,
Anna, and I have counseled hosts of spiritual leaders who have
had sexual difficulties and unhappiness in their own marriages.
Their emotions and conflicts about sex removed any base of comfort
or confidence to address the subject from the platform, even
though they're now walking in purity and fidelity themselves.
When a married couple, devoted as servant partners in God's
kingdom, have not learned how to healthily relate to one another
sexually, the subject cannot be addressed effectively to others.
Silence or blandness prevails, and a flock goes unfed in this fundamental
area of needed understanding in the human experience.
It is a double hook of the adversary's bondage, crippling the full
release of a leader's potential in both ministry and marriage.
While a healthy, fulfilling biblical attitude toward sex may
need more discussion in churches, the unfortunate message thathas begun to seep through has been the seeming normalization
of moral failure. From leaders to those being led, the ensuing
confusion regarding biblical morality is abundantly apparent.
The twisting of Scriptures to make room for any number of sexual
sins is nothing new, but today we are watching sexual sin
become accepted even by Christians-believers who have not
been taught anything else. Within the Church today we find
casual notions about masturbation and mutual gratification
without intercourse, debasing practices demanded by married
men of their wives and even a softening of conviction regarding
whether homosexuality is really wrong or if God, in fact, created
some people as homosexuals.
In response to the ignorance and acceptance of sexual sin by
many Christians, Focus on the Family recruited a team of Bible
scholars-the Council on Biblical Sexual Ethics-to develop a
Bible-based statement on sexual behavior. I am one of the signers
endorsing the "Colorado Statement on Biblical Sexual
Morality," a declaration I see as a significant contribution to
undoing the confusion caused by silence in our churches. To
abolish in yourself the hindering myth that sex is of itself a sinful,
shameful subject for discussion, read the council's full statement
(see appendix 4).
Why Am I Talking About Sex?
Notwithstanding the high-profile cases of moral failure on the
part of a few spiritual leaders, the vast majority of men and
women I have met in public ministry are deeply committed,
godly people. Still, relatively few say very much about the subject
of our sexuality, its God-designed, enriching purposes and the
wisdom He gives for avoiding its pollution, destructiveness or
perversion.
So, why am I talking about it? That's a good question.
Many times I've asked that question myself: "Why me, Lord?"
For over four decades, I've been invited to teach and speak in
conferences in virtually every kind of setting and to every age
group-from teens and collegians to adult singles and marrieds.
On campuses and in churches, I am still urged to speak,
as I have for years from my own pulpit, on the subject of sex.
I've concluded that perhaps the Lord has given me an ability
and grace to communicate the Word of God regarding His
blessing of sex and the destructive bane of its misappropriation.
It is a special privilege to serve in helping people toward
God's freeing truth on this topic. I don't feel prideful or smug
about it, but I know it is part of my assignment under His
Word's authority.
Two factors have enabled me to speak with real confidence
and boldness on the subject of why sex sins are worse than
others. The first is that by the grace of God-and I want to underscore
that it is by the grace of God-I have been kept pure in my
sexual life for a lifetime. I honor Jesus Himself, thanking my Lord
that though my sexual life has certainly not gone unchallenged
by temptation, He has enabled me to maintain purity. This has
contributed greatly to my sense of freedom and boldness to
speak on this subject.
But a second factor cannot be overlooked, for it also enables
me to communicate with pastoral and personal authority. I have
been blessed to know the high fulfillment of having been joined
to only one person for my entire life-my dear wife, Anna. Our
relationship has required a lifetime of growth, but our relationship
has been in fidelity and purity, and always with the genuine
joy that God intended for marriage's sexual union.
To those who might ask, "Well, if you have never failed in
sexual transgression, how are you able to understand people
who have?" I would respond that I am able to because (1) I know
my own capacity for failure and have no illusions about being
superior to others, even though I have kept pure; and (2) I do
understand people's capacity for failure. After you have dealt
with a few hundred people who, out of human vulnerability and
brokenness, have failed, you learn a little bit about failure-and
about the path to recovery and health.
Who Am I Talking To?
First, it's important to make clear that in discussing why sex sins
are worse than other sins, I am primarily addressing the subject
as I would with people who have already made a commitment to
Jesus Christ. I don't mean to imply that the truth that sex sins
are worse than other sins is any less valid for some people, but
rather that it can be misunderstood to suggest that those guilty
of sexual sin are more offensive to God than others. They aren't,
and I want to make that clear. But my presumed audience is
essentially those who have already received Christ as Savior and
who want His Lordship and purpose in all of their lives-including
in their sexual behavior.
Everyone reading these words is the same as I am: We are sinners
who need a Savior. The meaning of "sin" is not difficult to
understand: it is what we do when we transgress God's will and
His ways-His benevolently given laws. In this regard, the Bible
says that to transgress in one respect is to become guilty of the
whole of God's law (see Jas. 2:10), which is why every person is
invited to appeal to God's immense offer of mercy, grace and forgiveness
through His Son.
Because you have opened this book, you are clearly interested
in dealing with issues of the heart-you are clearly serious
about confronting anything that could be destructive to or disruptive
of knowing a life of fulfillment and purpose. And if you
have not until now opened yourself to God's love through the
gift of His Son, I can only encourage you to do so as soon as you
are willing to make that decision. It may be now-or perhaps as
you continue reading-that you will come to a more definitive
willingness to recognize both the need and the wisdom to open
yourself to the Savior's life, grace, joy and hope.
A pivotal need for both you and me is the need to repent-that
is, to turn away from our sins. You may feel you lack the power to
do this, which is why the Bible says we need to call on the Lord to
save us. Like dying or drowning people, we need the Son of God-Jesus
Himself-who died for us and rose again: He is able to save
us, to forgive us and to give us new life. So when you are willing
to take that step with Him, remember, "Whoever calls on the
name of the LORD [Jesus] shall be saved" (Rom. 10:13, emphasis
added)! To help you do that, we have placed a prayer for personal
salvation in appendix 1. I sincerely pray that you will seek salvation
in Christ today-now, at this beginning point, since you are
obviously open and inquiring about how to become a person
who avoids the destructive and who takes constructive steps forward.
The best first steps are toward God and His purposes for
your life-beginning with receiving His Son as your Savior.
This is a book that targets people who care about God's
ways. Your interest in the subject of sexual integrity may be for
any number of reasons: you work with youth; you counsel people
in your church; you've struggled with temptation; you've
failed but are seeking to establish your ways in God's wisdom;
you are a student with an honest mind, seeking to know right
and to live righteously.
Foundational to the matter of sexual integrity, however, is
taking seriously both the gift of our humanness and the choices
that clear-minded stewardship of our bodies requires in the light
of God's freeing, fulfilling truth. This involves the issue of discipleship.
It is one thing to believe in Jesus and trust Him as your
Savior; it is quite another to follow Him as an obedient disciple,
acknowledging Him as Lord. In either case, whether we are new
believers or growing disciples, God's Word speaks pointedly
about how we use our bodies.
We worship with our bodies: "Present your bodies a living
sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable
service" (Rom. 12:1).
Our bodies are the Holy Spirit's temple: "Do you not
know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit?"
(1 Cor. 6:19).
We are not to defile this physical temple of God (see
1 Cor. 3:16-17).
As believers, we will be held specifically accountable for
"the things done in the body" (2 Cor. 5:10).
Those truths combine to bring a demanding point to bear on
every person who is serious about God, serious about His gift to
us in His Son, Jesus Christ, and who seriously cares about other
people.
We Will Face a Sobering Reality
A surprising number of Christians are ignorant of the fact thatwe will stand before the Lord Jesus for an evaluative judgment-an
ultimate accounting-for how we have lived and served as
followers of Him.
Continues.
