Fight Fair!: Winning at Conflict Without Losing at Love

Chapter One

Try to imagine a game without rules.

Imagine a game of poker where one player holds five cards, but another holds eighteen. Imagine a game of Monopoly where you can rob the bank, break out of jail, and burn your opponent's hotels. Imagine a baseball game where the batter keeps the bat with him as he rounds the bases, just to break up that annoying double play at second base. Or how about a game of Scrabble where you can make up any word you like?

Most games work better with a few guiding principles in place. You would have to search far and wide to find a sport, a game, or even a simple contest with no rules whatsoever.

But there is one.

"What's this?" a husband demands, tossing a receipt onto the kitchen table.

"What's what?" his wife says without looking up.

"Two hundred and fifty dollars! For what?"

"For something I needed," she says indifferently.

"Why would you spend that kind of money without asking me first?"

"How was golf today?" she asks. "What did that set us back-forty, fifty dollars? You never seem to mention the cost of your hobbies, now, do you?"

"I'm talking about unnecessary expenses!" he says as his voice begins to rise.

"Why is it that only my expenses are unnecessary?" she shouts back.

"You're wasting our money!" he yells, charging from the room.

"What do you know about money?" she calls after him.

Conflict, the art of disagreeing while still holding hands, is a game without rules. It may sound strange to speak of conflict as a "game," but in a sense it is. Every marital disagreement has two players, a starting point, and a finish line. There is a playing field and a time limit, and there are penalties, fouls, and grounds for disqualification along the way. There are winners and losers too-though in this game, unlike most, both players can win or both can lose.

Right now you may be thinking, If conflict is a game, then I'd rather not play. Sorry. Conflict is a part of the true game of Life, and refusing to play is simply not an option. Differences in personality and temperament, multiple time demands, limited resources, and the sheer insanity of modern life all conspire to create occasional (or more than occasional) disagreements between partners. In marriage, conflict simply can't be avoided; the goal, then, is to learn to play the game as pleasantly and productively as possible.

We know a wise grandmother who cautions her grandkids, "Fight nicely." What a concept! For many of us, the very idea of fighting nicely is a contradiction in terms. You can fight, or you can be nice; take your pick. But doing both at once is something many couples have never experienced. Believe it or not, it is possible to "fight nicely." That's where clear rules and a good referee come in-and that's what conflict often lacks.

Like the early sport of boxing, conflict between lovers often has a single guiding principle: Beat the other guy. In the early days of boxing, the question of how to beat the other guy was left entirely to the individual combatants, and liberal interpretations of that rule left many men bloody, broken, or blind. Some, like the gladiators of old, even gave their lives in the arena.

That's why, in the late 1800s, the Marquis de Queensberry thought it was high time someone sat down and penned some rules for the sport of boxing. No more kicking and gouging, he said, and no more hitting below the belt. No head butting is allowed, no rabbit punching, and under no circumstances are you ever allowed to bite off your opponent's ear.

But just because a rule exists, that doesn't mean anyone has to obey it. That's why the Marquis de Queensberry's regulations provided for a referee, a man whose job it was to make sure the rules were followed. To this day, whenever a boxing match is about to begin, a man in a striped shirt steps between the opponents and reviews the basic rules. To break the rules, he reminds them, is to forfeit the contest. The referee's goal is not to prevent the boxers from fighting; on the contrary, he is there to allow them to fight. The referee's goal is not to prevent the conflict from happening, but to make sure the boxers fight fair. By doing so, he greatly increases the chances that the boxers will live to fight another day.

But in marital conflict, there are no rules. Maybe that's why there's so much gouging, biting, and hitting below the belt-and maybe that's why so many love relationships perish in the act of disagreeing.

Wouldn't it be great if, when the sparks begin to fly between a husband and wife, a bell would ring, a closet door would fly open, and a man in a striped shirt would step out? Our own personal marital referee!

"You're wasting our money!" the husband yells, charging from the room.

"Foul!" the referee calls out. "Get back in the ring or you're disqualified!"

"What do you know about money?" his wife calls after him.

"That's hitting below the belt!" the referee warns. "One more time and you're out of the game!"

Since we have no referees to supervise our personal conflicts, we have to serve as our own referees. But what are the rules we should enforce? What are the errors and pitfalls we should watch for, and what are the behaviors we should encourage? This book is intended to be your own personalMarquis de Queensberry's Rules for Conflict in relationships: not a list of rules that we think you should apply, but a chance for you and your spouse to agree together on your own guidelines for successful conflict. All along the way we'll give you tips, insights, and suggestions that have worked for others, but it's your job to decide what you think will work best for you. At the end of the book is a section entitled "Our Rules." As you finish each chapter, turn back to the "Our Rules" section and record any ideas you agree to apply in your own relationship.

You'll find an entire chapter devoted to "Penalties and Fouls" (chapter 14), behaviors that are unproductive, discouraging, or even downright dangerous to the health of your relationship. We'll give you a chance to identify yourown fouls-specific words, behaviors, and attitudes that you know from experience to be hurtful or unproductive. In the "Our Rules" section you'll find a place for you to record your "Personal Fouls," so that you can agree together to avoid them in the future.

By the end of this book, you will have your own personal set of rules for conflict. We encourage you to copy off those pages. Keep your list of guidelines handy to remind you of the things you've agreed together to do-and not do-in your next disagreement.

A word of caution: Rules allow a game to be played fairly and efficiently, but no game consists of rules alone. As we'll emphasize over and over in this book, success in conflict requires more than a set of rules. It depends even more on the attitudes you bring to the game: humility, generosity, gentleness, and a genuine desire to work things out. If you are intent on being stubborn or on punishing your mate, no set of rules will prevent you from doing so. The rules in this book can improve your technique in conflict, but as chapter 5 will remind you, the attitude behind the technique is crucial.

Everyone disagrees; that's inevitable. The question is, How can we disagree with those we love but increase the odds that we will live and love to fight another day? How can we learn to "fight fair"?

Chapter Two

It's been a long day, a good day, and they've just settled down for a long winter's nap. They smooth and straighten the covers, trade a goodnight peck, and reach for their respective light switches. Life is good, the world is at peace, and all is right with the universe-when suddenly she says, "Let's not forget to clean the garage next weekend."

"OK," he says, already halfway to the land of Nod. "Glad to help."

A pause .

"What does that mean?"

He tenses. Some primal instinct warns him away, but testosterone causes him to plow ahead like a Labrador into a duck pond.

"What does what mean?" he asks.

"'Glad to help.' What do you mean by help?"

His mind races. What could possibly be wrong with the word help? Glad to assist? Glad to lend a hand? Where did he put that thesaurus?

"I just mean that I'm glad to . you know . clean the garage too."

"You mean you're glad to help me clean the garage. Like cleaning the garage is my job, and you're just helping out."

"Oh, come on, honey; you're just being picky." Another primal instinct ties a knot in his stomach, the same instinct that used to warn his ancestors not to poke the lion with a stick.

"Picky? Did you say picky?"

In the darkness, he hears her sit upright in bed. He feels the warm, protective covers slide away, and somehow the room feels much colder than it was just moments before

Where do conflicts come from? Probably not from where you think. Most couples tend to put the blame for conflicts ontopics of disagreement. They assume an argument begins because they cannot agree on:

• Finances

• Parenting decisions

• In-law relationships

• Sex

• Power and authority

• Work demands

• Scheduling and priorities

• Use of leisure time

• Personal habits

• Household responsibilities

But have you ever noticed that there's a world of difference between a difference of opinion and a disagreement? You say "potayto," I say "potawto"; that's just a difference of opinion. You experience no rising anger, no mounting tension, no growing hostility or resentment. "Of course not," you say. "That's because it isn't important." But are all your disagreements about matters of national security? Or have you discovered, as most married couples do, that heated disagreements can erupt over the most mundane and unexpected topics?

Insight

A marriage without conflicts is almost as inconceivable as a nation without crises.

Andre Maurois

The Gathering Storm

What is it that turns a minor difference of opinion into a full-fledged disagreement? It has little to do with the topic; a topic serves only as a trigger that gets a conflict under way.

Insight

They say that "Sex begins in the kitchen." So does conflict.

Topics attract conflict the way tall buildings attract lightning. It's just a place for the conflict to ground; but for lightning to strike at all, there have to be storm clouds gathering above.

To the hapless man in our opening scenario, their midnight misunderstanding was a bolt out of the blue: What got into her? But to his wife, this conflict had been building up for months. His offer to "help" with the garage reflected his long-held attitude that all jobs around the house were her jobs. When she did them herself, she was simply doing her job; when he did them, he was "helping", and he felt that he deserved special recognition. He never said as much; it was just his attitude. Over time, there were more and more jobs to do around the house-more of her jobs-and her annoyance at his attitude had been building up inside her like an electrical charge. All it needed was one more comment to get the thunderstorm under way.

Sometimes life is so busy and demanding that couples feel like little more than business partners, both faithfully serving the company but rarely meeting after hours. There are no "after hours"; in marriage and parenting, the job never really ends. There's always something else to do, and it takes both of you just to cover the bases.

Insight

It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. Ashleigh Brilliant

After years of this kind of endless service, couples can begin to feel like train tracks running parallel to each other but never seeming to cross. You're both important, and you both carry your own burdens-but it's lonely to travel endlessly in the same direction just a few feet away from the one you love.

Insight

It wasn't any single person or event that had pulled us off the straight and narrow. Rather, it was a lot of little things that caved in on us like too much snow on a roof We began to feel like a power outlet with too many extension cords plugged in, draining off our energy. From Detours by Chuck Cothern, p. 128

Much is written today about uninvolved parents, passive husbands, and irresponsible wives. But there's another problem that challenges marriages today, a problem that's rarely discussed. It's the problem of involved parents, active husbands, and responsible wives. But how can that be a problem? Aren't those qualities good for children, good for society, good for the world? Yes-but they're hard on a marriage. There are millions of couples today who aren't lazy or selfish or uncommitted; they are selfless and tireless and self-sacrificing. They put the kids first, the job first, the church first-they put everything first ahead of their own marriage. But when we invest in everything and everyone but us, marriage eventually becomes a cold, lonely, and disappointing business-and that's when the storm clouds of conflict begin to darken the skies above.

Insight-Housework can kill you if done right, -Erma Bombeck

Insight

Interpersonal climate is the overall feeling, or emotional mood between people Two couples might live in the same apartment complex, have similar jobs, and distribute responsibilities for cleaning, cooking, and shopping in the same way. Yet in one of the relationships there is constant tension, marked by short and sometimes cutting remarks and frequent flares of temper. In the other relationship the pervasive feeling is comfortable and friendly. .

Continues.