Chapter One
GUYS
Your Outer Self
How the world defines youTHE ISSUE
Though the world pays lip service to the concept of guys "getting in touch with their
emotions," the fact remains that guys in general are encouraged to be rough, tough,
macho, and even sexist. Christian guys need to recognize the difference between being
tough and being strong.
introductionDelvin' In
Check out the psychology and parenting sections
next time you're in a bookstore and you'll find
countless books written on the perils of being a
teenage girl. Unrealistic definitions of beauty.
Unrealistic expectations of body size and shape.
Unrealistic guidelines for success. Valid issues, all
of them.
But what about being a teenage boy-does it
carry its own and equally lethal doses of false
messages and unrealistic expectations? And if so,
does the resulting sense of inadequacy felt by
many teen guys need to be addressed?
Absolutely.
Our culture says guys must be buff, must be
athletic, must cause the girls to swoon, must not
be weak, must not let anyone walk on them, must
aggressively pursue goals, must conquer a female,
must be tough.
It takes a lot of courage to stand firm against
false and shallow definitions of success,
masculinity, and power, especially now when
teens are constantly in touch with our culture
through the entertainment media and the
Internet. Whether they realize it or not, our
culture's standard of manhood gets about a
thousand times more of their attention than
God's standard. In order to help teen guys pursue
a life of authentic manhood, they must first
identify and recognize our culture's false
definition of manhood. In this case, ignorance is
not bliss. Ignorance is a world full of self-centered,
egotistical, macho tough guys.
opening activityWarmin' Up
Who Am I?
Write the names of
well-known males on
the index cards-one
name on each card.
You can use athletes,
musicians, actors,
politicians, authors, local celebrities. The names
should all be familiar to your guys. If you have a
group of five or less, have one teen come to the
front. Then tape one name card on the wall
behind him so that the others can see it but he
can't. Explain the activity like this-
The card I just hung up has the name
of a famous male on it. [Name of teen] has to figure out whose name is on the
card. He may only ask yes-or-no
questions. He can direct his questions
to the entire group or to any
individual in the group. His goal is to
name the person in as few questions
as possible.
You'll need-
Index cards or small pieces of
paper
Masking tape
Marker
TIP
If the student up front is having a
hard time even after asking a number of
questions, give a leading hint like, "This person
is a musician" or "This person died about 10
years ago." Give a helpful hint
but don't make it too specific.
If you have a group of six or more, tape an index
card with a name written on it onto the back of
each guy. Then give an explanation like this-
Each of you has the name of a famous
male taped on your back. It's your job
to figure out who he is by asking each
other yes-or-no questions. For
example, you can ask, "Is my person
an athlete?" but you may not ask, "What kind of work does he do?"
Once you've asked one question, you
can answer one question. Then you
have to move to a different person.
Let the students mingle for several minutes while
asking questions. When each person has figured
out his name (or after 10 minutes), pull your
group together and ask questions like these.
* What kind of questions were most
helpful in identifying your person
(questions about occupation? appearance? age?)?
* What makes your person famous?
* What do you admire about your person?
* If your person is well-liked, what do you
think draws people to him?
exploring the topicDiggin 'a Little Deeper
Transition with something like this-
One of the main ways we identify
people is by appearance and by
occupation. Almost everyone knows
the name of the most recent winning
quarterback of the Super Bowl. Far
fewer know who discovered the polio
vaccine.
What makes some people famous
and others unknown? In the case of
women, the world usually worships
beauty over individuality. "She's a
brilliant politician, but she's not much
to look at." Ever heard something like
that before? In the case of men, one of
the fame factors is toughness. "Did
you see him take down those two
defensive linemen even though he's
playing with a broken hand?"
The world's idea of what makes a
man valuable is shallow: How much
money does he make? How many
coworkers can he step on as he climbs
the ladder to success? Can he take
care of himself in a fight? Can he
survive difficult situations without
looking weak, showing fear, or-worst
of all-shedding tears?
Let's take a look at how the world
identifies and defines men.
Choose one or more of the following activities.
option [group activity] Mirror, Mirror, on the
Wall, Who's the
Toughest of Them All?
You'll need
* A stack of recent
newspaper
* Copies of Mirror, Mirror,on the Wall, Who's the
Thoughest of Them All?(page 20). One for each group
* Pens
Divide your guys into groups of three or four.
Explain to them that you're going to take a look
at how the world portrays men. Hand out several
newspaper sections, pens, and one copy ofMirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Who's the
Toughest of Them All? (page 20) to each
group. Give them about 10 minutes to look
through the papers (encourage them to look
through a variety of sections, not just sports or
entertainment) and fill out the worksheet as a
group. When the groups have their lists made,
come together and discuss the results with some
questions.
* Based on what you observed, what are
the characteristics our culture admires or
glorifies in men? Explain.
* If someone doesn't have those
characteristics, how is he perceived? Talk
about that.
* What characteristics define toughness
besides the physical aspects?
* Think of a man you admire who is not a
tough guy (as our culture defines it). Why
do you admire him?
option [video clip discussion] Billy Madison
Show the clip from Billy Madison where Billy tries
to fit in and make his mark as a smooth dude on
his first day of high school.
0:54:55 Billy pulls up to the school in
his sportster.
0:57:19 "Are you in loser denial or something?"
[warning: bad language follows quickly-you
may want to have your finger on
the stop button]
Ask questions like these-
* Why do you think guys care about the
tough-guy, macho image so much?
* Do you think guys are better off being
themselves (even if others view them as
losers, wimps, or thumbs-down guys) or
acting tough and macho, no matter what? Talk about that.
* Why are some guys so cruel to others
whom they think are weak? Explain.
It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old
stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know
the first thing about living, tell you how to live.
-from Ephesians 2, The Message
option [second video clip discussion] Commercial Break
TIP
This takes some prep time.
It's easy to do, but don't delay!
You'll need-
Taped commercials (see
instructions below)
TV and VCR
During the week, make
a video recording of
"guy" commercials.
The best time to do
this is during sporting
events and cop shows. (Sounds sexist, but hey,
that's the Madison Avenue way.) Try to capture a
variety of guy personalities-tough, goofy,
comedic, professional, intelligent. Record 10 to 15
ads.
Introduce the activity with a comment like
this-
One of the ways our thinking about
being a guy is influenced is from the
entertainment media, especially
television. We're going to watch some
commercials that feature guys in a
variety of situations and then figure
out what they say about us as men.
Play the tape. Then ask some of these questions.
* Describe the different kinds of men in
the ads.
* How accurately do they represent real
men? Explain your thinking.
* How did the tough guys act? The nerdy
guys? The married guys? The stupid guys? The sexist guys?
* Did any of the ads create a feeling of
genuine respect for men? Which ones and
why?
* How do you think the idea that guys
should be tough began? Talk about that.
option [individual activity] Thumbs Up, Thumbs
Down
You'll need-
Copies of Thumbs Up,Thumbs Down (page 21), one
for each student
Give each guy a copy
of Thumbs Up,
Thumbs Down (page
21) and a pen. For the
Thumbs Up side, your
kids describe the perfect guy according to our
culture, including physical, intellectual, and
behavioral traits. For the Thumbs Down side, they
describe the traits of a loser as seen by our
culture.
When they've finished, ask for some
volunteers to share their answers. Then discuss
some of the following questions.
* Do most people buy into our culture's
definitions of a perfect guy and a loser? Why do you think that?
* If someone wants to be "perfect," how
does this affect his actions, personality, and decisions? Talk about your
thoughts.
* If people see a guy as a loser, how is his
life affected? Give some examples
(without naming names).
* Think of someone who ignores the
world's message about male identity.
He's confident and content with
himself. But according to the world, he's
closer to the "loser" profile than the
"perfect" profile. How do you think he
deals with life, with the way others
view him, and with the way others treat
him? Explain.
option [second individual activity] Tough as Nails, Strong as Steel
You'll need-
Copies of Tough as Nails,Strong as Steel (page 22), one
for each student
Bibles
Pens
Each student needs a
copy of Tough as
Nails, Strong as
Steel (page 22), a
Bible, and a pen. Open
with a few comments.
There are many different ways to
describe men. You've probably heard
"tough as nails" and "strong as steel."
They sound the same, but they're
really very different. "Tough as nails"
men do exactly what their title says-they
pound into, pierce, and wound
others with their words and actions.
They try to prove that they're tough by
hurting others. What they're really
doing, though, is trying to feel better
about themselves-hiding their
weaknesses, their insecurities, their
fears-by harassing or dominating
others, male or female. The only way
they know how to move up in the
world is by taking others down.
"Strong as steel" men are just the
opposite. Steel is used to construct
buildings because it doesn't weaken
under pressure. It doesn't bend. It
doesn't twist. It remains constant
under all conditions. Because of that, the building is strong.
Tough guys tear other people down.
Strong men support others. Tough guys
delight in another's failure. Strong men
delight in another's success. Tough guys
want to rise to the top and be noticed.
Strong men are content to be part of
the whole (often unseen), holding
things together with their sturdy
commitment.
Give your teens several minutes to look up the
Bible verses and think about the differences
between tough guys and strong men. Then ask
some follow-up questions.
* Do you agree with the definitions of
tough guy and strong men on your
handout? Explain your thoughts.
* How do you think tough guys feel about
themselves? Explain.
* Are strong men noticed or appreciated
by others? Talk about that.
* What kind of man does our culture
prefer? Explain why you think so.
* What kind of man does God prefer? Explain why you think so.
* What other examples of tough guys and
strong men can you identify from the
Bible?
Bible studyGettin' into the Word
You'll need-
Bibles
King Saul and King David
1 Samuel, selected verses
Transition into the
next activity by saying
something like this.
For whatever reason, the world seems
to think that tough guys are all that.
The combination of looks, physical
strength, and machismo seems to
captivate people. In the short run, many tough guys come out ahead.
Since we're a society that's all about
immediate gratification, it's easy to do
the tough-guy thing without thinking
about the long-range consequences.
We're going to look at a tough guy
from the Bible to see how things
worked out for him
Nudgers (nuj'erz) n. a tool used to gently push
teens toward new insight
* Saul's father was well
known.
* David's father was not
well known.
* Saul was considered
impressive because of
his physical appearance,in particular his height.
* David was not tall.
* Saul was a warrior and
king.
* David was a shepherd, a
lowly occupation.
* Saul's courage was
based on himself and
was a cover for a lack
of character.
* David's courage was
based on God's strength
and was genuine.
* Saul, the mighty
warrior, watched while
David, the shepherd
boy, killed Goliath.
* Saul's contribution to
the heroic event? The
offer of a free armor
loan.
Goliath walked out toward David with his shield bearer ahead of
him, sneering in contempt at this ruddy-faced boy. "Am I a dog," he
roared at David, "that you come at me with a stick?" And he cursed
David by the names of his gods. "Come over here, and I'll give your
flesh to the birds and wild animals!"
-1 Samuel 17:41-44, NLT
Have your students read the following verses.
Saul 1 Samuel 9:1-2; 10:1, 23; 15:17, 30David 1 Samuel 16:1, 6-12; 17:1-7, 32-33, 38-50
Then discuss the following questions.
Continues.
