Chapter One
Part
One
The
Basic Need
for Intimacy
Marriage is a complex system
engineered to foster closeness. It is not
designed to foster independence. This
doesn't mean that those of us who are
married should lose our identity as
individuals, or that we should be completely
dependent on our spouses. It simply
means that marriage is designed to
cultivate unity, oneness, and intimacy. Just as
the body needs oxygen to remain healthy
and survive, a marriage needs intimacy
to thrive and last.
Some systems, such as communities
or neighborhoods, can exist with
minimal interaction between the people who
live there. I know of people who have
lived in the same subdivision for more
than 20 years but know little about the
people next door. While that may work
for communities, marriages cannot be
successful if spouses decide to simply
coexist. Marriages like these are reduced
to business partnerships, consisting of
people who simply do what has to be
done. Couples in this state often stay
together for the sake of the kids,
financial reasons, or because of strong
spiritual beliefs. Yet the satisfaction level is
very low. The husband and wife no
longer find happiness and fulfillment
within each other. Sexual interactions
are rare.
Pain and resentment can flow like a
rushing river in such marriages. There is
no loneliness like that of a marriage that
has grown cold. The tension, silence, and
distance seem to be amplified with every
passing moment.
Maybe that is exactly how you feel at
this moment.
What Is Intimacy?
Just the word intimacy raises all kinds of
confusing thoughts for many people.
Some of us search desperately for
intimacy, settling for the slightest semblance
of closeness. Others avoid intimacy as
they would germs. Others have been
influenced by Hollywood's depiction of
intimacy-the kind that manifests itself
in wildly romantic fantasies. And still
others have reduced their understanding
of intimacy simply to "sex." But that
doesn't change the fact that every
person-male and female-needs to feel
wanted and connected. We have been
designed to be in close relationship with
others.
Real intimacy is much more than a
feeling that comes from showing the
right kind of affection, sharing deep
thoughts, or even having passionate sex.
Bonds can be formed through each of
these actions and emotions, but intimacy
involves more. True intimacy is the
genuine closeness and connection that
brings and holds couples together-emotionally,
spiritually, intellectually,
and physically. It's an ongoing
connection, a oneness that occurs over time.
True intimacy involves experiencing life
together-happy times, triumphs, and
victories, but also times of deep grief,
tragedies, and trials.
Love and intimacy are deeply
connected. You can't have one without the
other. You and your spouse may say that
you love each other, but the truth is that
love cannot be sustained without
closeness. Intimacy involves becoming a
trusted, dependable friend. Spouses must
experience life together in such a way
that they know they can depend on each
other to do whatever it takes to meet each
other's needs, including being willing to
defend and even die for each other.
But what is love? Is it just a feeling? Is
it just a bunch of romantic actions? The
greatest definition of love is found in the
Bible. Genuine love involves being
patient and kind with each other, not
being rude, selfish, or demanding to have
your way. Real love means forgiving
when it's hard, and then letting go
instead of keeping a record of past
mistakes (1 Corinthians 13). Love involves
both the right kinds of emotions and the
right kinds of actions. When couples
abide by these practices, they can
experience incredible closeness and intimacy in
marriage. And if the right actions and
emotions produce closeness, surely the
opposite behavior will cause detachment.
The Truth About Marriage
Dr. David Olson, a leading marriage
researcher, has based his research on
working with thousands of couples. Of
the many discoveries he's made, one of
the most revealing is that the level of
closeness a couple feels in marriage, even
the most healthy marriages, changes with
circumstances and time.
When a couple is first married, they
are very connected, typically overly
connected. (Think back to Shawn and Katie
in the introduction.) Couples like this
don't have a great deal of structure in
their lives and typically spend all their
free time together.
But as time passes, more structure is
needed to compensate for careers and
other activities, especially if the couple
has children. (Bart and Tammy would fall
into this category.) They are typically not
as emotionally connected as before, but
still close. Then, as life continues for the
couple, things like financial difficulties,
adolescent problems, illnesses, and stress
all play major roles in how much
intimacy a couple may retain.
The same is true for empty nesters.
Though most couples at this stage in life
were probably very close at one time,
over the years the majority of their
energy was probably invested in raising
kids and other demands, with little time
spent on each other. Often when the
children leave home, the silence and
emptiness underline the fact that the
couple is emotionally disconnected.
During times like the ones we've just
mentioned, when couples seem furthest
apart, they may begin to believe that their
marriage has become something that is
no longer good. But the truth is that no
matter where the intimacy level is,
marriage is still important. Even tired, sick,
disconnected marriages are important
enough to rebuild, repurpose, and restore.
We all need reminding of that fact,
especially when the spark has gone.
Perhaps you feel that the spark in
your marriage has gone out. Consider
this: Research shows that not only is
there a behavioral component (action
element) to intimacy in marriage, but
actions are also tied to chemicals in the
brain. When couples are dating, and
even throughout the honeymoon stage,
dopamine is produced at greater levels in
the brain. Dopamine is one of the main
chemicals responsible for strong feelings
of passion and excitement. That's why
dating couples and newlyweds often feel
such a "high."
However, these high levels of
excitement-producing chemicals begin to
diminish over time. In fact, some experts
suggest that if dopamine levels remained
elevated for longer periods of time, they
would eventually kill us. In other words,
euphoric feelings are not meant to last
forever.
The studies go on to show that high
levels of dopamine are naturally replaced
with another chemical called oxytocin,
which is often referred to as the
"bonding" chemical. It is the same chemical
found at high levels while a mother is
nursing her baby. Research suggests that
couples who spend time together, touch
each other, hug, hold hands, affirm, and
serve each other have high levels of this
chemical. Oxytocin seems to help
substantiate and complement deep intimacy
and bonding in couples.
So while the lost passion and closeness
in your marriage can be restored to a
healthy, mutually satisfying level, the
level of passion you experienced while
"falling in love" may be somewhat less
now than before. But that's okay.
Society and the media are not always
helpful in this regard. For years, society
embraced marriage as one of the most
important institutions on earth. But now
the culture seems to say that if you no
longer feel close to your spouse, or if you
are unhappy and your needs are not
being met, then your marriage has failed
and you should move on to someone
who can fulfill your needs.
In spite of this shift in how our
culture views marriage, research still verifies
what society held true for years-marriage
really is a good thing. Studies have
shown that married couples often enjoy a
healthier lifestyle and live longer because
they tend to take better care of
themselves, exercise more, and avoid risky or
harmful behaviors more than single or
divorced people do. They also usually
enjoy more sexual satisfaction than
couples who only cohabit. Additionally,
married couples are able to pool their
resources and typically enjoy higher
economic success than singles. Research also
shows that children thrive best in homes
with both a mother and a father.
The bottom line is that no matter
what our culture says or how you may
feel about your marriage right now, it's
worth saving. Healthy changes can occur.
Don't give up hope.
Hooked on a Feeling
Strife, stress, shattered expectations, and
broken trust have a unique way of
wounding hope-filled dreams and emotions, but
we must remember that feelings can lead
us in unhealthy directions.
In Colorado, where we live, it's very
easy to get lost while driving. The streets
and roads were not laid down to
accommodate the incredible growth we've
experienced. So for the first two to three
months after moving here, I was lost
most of the time.
I realized quickly that it's risky to rely
on "hunches." The problem is that most
streets around here don't end up where
you expect or feel that they should.
Because of the mountainous terrain,
certain roads may twist and turn until you
are miles from where you want to be. I
spent multiple hours of frustrated driving
trying to find my way because I felt, or
assumed, that "this was the way to go."
After a couple of months, a friend
pointed out that relying on assumptions
around here will get you lost every time.
He taught me a great tactic to find my
bearings: I was told to simply look for
the mountains; they're always west of
where you are. So if I'm ever lost, I can
test my feelings with a marker-the
mountains. If I'm heading away from the
mountains, I know I'm heading east, no
matter what my hunches tell me.
The same is true with emotions in
marriage. They may tell you that you
married the wrong person, that you will
never restore the spark you once had in
your marriage, that you are no longer in
love, or that you will never be able to
trust your spouse again after he or she
has hurt you so deeply.
But the truth is that both marriage
and love are about much more than how
you feel or whether you are happy.
Understand that there will be good days
and bad days. It's unrealistic to expect to
feel happy and loving all the time.
Remember that marriage is a
commitment. When your feelings tell you that
your marriage isn't worth the effort,
think back to those vows you made to
your spouse on your wedding day.
Commitment means honoring our vows to
each other when we don't feel like it,
when we lose hope, when it's no longer
exciting, when we are hurt, when we
argue, and even when our spouse doesn't
do his or her part.
For example, if I relied only on my
feelings as a parent, I would have thrown
in the towel years ago. At times, my
teens have hurt me, ignored everything
I taught them, and willfully rebelled.
But I'm committed to them. I've never
thought about giving up my role as a
parent or giving up on my children.
I know that good times and hard times
are both part of the parenting journey.
Please understand that while feelings
are important and shouldn't be ignored,
they can at times lead you away from
truth. Even if your spouse has hurt you
deeply, the truth is that it's possible for
love and trust to be restored.
But neither should we be naive:
Restoring intimacy is not going to
happen simply by wishing or hoping it will.
Like a body that is out of shape and
weak, a marriage has to be fed properly
and exercised in order to experience
intimacy. You have to make changes in
attitude, perceptions, and actions in order
for intimacy to return.
I like the story of a farmer and his
wife who were riding down a prairie road
in their old Ford pickup. The farmer was
driving and his wife was sitting on the
passenger side on the bench seat.
Eventually the wife broke the silence and
asked, "Hon, why don't we sit together in
this truck like we used to?" The farmer
thought a minute or two and finally
answered, "Well, I ain't moved."
In working with couples who are
experiencing loss of intimacy, I often tell
this story and ask, "Who has moved?" In
other words, what were the things that
you once did that you are no longer
doing? What traditions, habits, words,
and expressions have you stopped using?
Or what attitudes and actions have you
adopted that are unhealthy and harmful
to the other person? Often the answer is
that both individuals have moved. Maybe
you have simply stopped doing things or
saying things because you felt they were
no longer necessary, but in reality, they
are vital to the health of your marriage.
* * *
We've seen that intimacy in marriage
fluctuates with time and changing life
circumstances, and that feelings can
come and go. Stress is another factor that
affects the level of intimacy in a
marriage. Our next section will look
specifically at stress in marriage and what you
can do about it.
(Continues.)
