Chapter One
Facing the Loss and Grief
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life.
Psalm 138:7
The loss of a child, born or unborn, is perhaps
the most difficult loss anyone could ever endure.
This untimely and unnatural event can be so
emotionally painful that it rocks the very core of
your being. You may express your loss profoundly,
grieving deeply and openly. You may be more
reserved in your expression of grief, processing
your feelings quietly and privately yet mourning
every bit as much as, those who are more openly
expressive. You may find yourself somewhere in
between. Everyone grieves differently and for
varying lengths of time. Grief is personal, and it
is unique to each person.
Wherever you are in your journey of loss, and
no matter what emotions you might be experiencing
at this time, I encourage you to embrace
your grief. Mourning the loss of a life is natural,
normal and healthy.
Know that the validity of your grief is not
dependent on whether
• your loss was a result of miscarriage,
ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or early
infant death;
• your baby's unformed body was deemed
"viable" according to the medical world;
• you or your doctor physically saw your
child's heart beating on a sonogram;
• your baby lived 4 weeks or 40 in the
womb;
• your little one lived for a few days, weeks
or months outside the womb;
• you held your baby or never had the
chance;
• you experienced a sense of closure or
had no real closure at all.
The fact is that you conceived life, and that
life grew within you. The life of your baby
deserves to be validated, and the loss of your
hopes and dreams needs to be acknowledged.
Your baby's life was significant to you and is very significant
to God.
Maybe your loss occurred many years ago
and you never felt free to grieve, or maybe your
loss is quite recent. Maybe you are deeply saddened
right now and feel the void of your little
one's passing. Perhaps you feel numbness more
than anything else, or you're not sure what you
should feel. Though you may be afraid to admit
it, perhaps you feel embarrassed for the depth of
your emotion and sorrow over a life that was only
with you, in the physical sense, for a very short
time.
If you have never felt truly free to grieve, I
want to give you permission to do that now. Your
loss and your grief need your acknowledgment,
your response and your acceptance. You must
allow yourself full expression to feel the way that
you feel. You have suffered a very significant
loss-the loss of your very own child.
Not only have you lost your child, but you
have also lost the hopes and dreams of what
could have been. From the first few moments
when we learn of the existence of life within us,
our minds begin to think about how this new
being will become an integral part of our lives. In
just one moment you became Mommy and
Daddy to a new life. You may have calculated
how far along in the pregnancy you would be on
special days such as Christmas or your birthday.
You may have thought about the time of year you
would deliver and even have begun making plans
or changing plans to accommodate the impending
arrival of your child. Then, in one moment,
just as quickly as those exciting and hopeful
thoughts had come, they were crushed with the
reality of loss.
God is the author, creator and finisher of
life. You need to know that the loss of your little
one's life was not your fault. Trust in the fact
that you did everything in your power to love
and parent your baby. In extremely rare cases,
where there might be room for doubt about the
level of care that your baby received,
God is still
sovereign!Don't blame yourself or others unjustly.
God has power over all human error and can
exercise that power when it lines up with His
plan.
The fact is that loss happens-and the number
of occurrences are staggering. We can't even
begin to understand all the whys; nor can we
control the process of our losses. We can do
everything in our human power and limited
knowledge to sustain the life of our little ones,
but life and death are ultimately up to God. For
some reason, He has allowed your loss. You don't
have to understand it; you need to trust that He
has the best in mind for both you and your child.
His ways are higher than our ways and He will
fulfill His purposes through these precious lives
He has created.
As difficult as it may be, facing your loss is
the only way you can really begin to heal and
see how something good can come out of something
so incredibly difficult. I want to acknowledge
your parenthood, the life and death of
your baby and the reality and validity of your
grief. Don't be embarrassed by the deep emotions
you may experience over the passing of
your child. Your grief is understandable, and
the life of your baby is significant and worth
remembering.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't want
you to think that you are all alone in your grief.
Please know that God is more than able to handle
your questions, disappointments and even
the anger that might arise as a result of your loss.
Run to Him now. He wants to reveal more of
Himself to you and His love for you as you hold
on to Him. You do not need to have all the
answers; just trust in Him. In time, as you heal,
you will begin to see the many ways you have
been forever touched by your child's brief time
with you. Allow your baby to leave his or her footprints
on your heart.
Prayer
Dear God, help us as we come
face-to-face with our loss. Let us
grieve unashamed, trusting that
our little one is now with You.
Help us accept our loss and grow
closer, as a family. Let us day by
day begin to see Your plan. Help
us trust when we can't see
through the tears. Let us know
You are here. Amen.
Angel Unaware
Words and Music by Shari Buie and Tamara Miller
Oh, the longing we both had
To be a mommy and a dad
We put our hopes and dreams in you
He hoped for pink, I dreamed of blue
But for you God had a different plan
One we may never understand
Chorus:
We were visited by an angel
Though we didn't know it then
You were the answer to our prayer
Our Angel Unaware
We hardly got to say hello
Before we had to let you go
God breathed your name and called you home
So briefly here, so quickly gone
But in the stillness of the night
My empty arms still hold you tight
In my mind I see you running,
Chasing bees and butterflies.
Soft hair gently blowing,
Healthy cheeks, laughing eyes.
In the quietness of the morning
When the mist hangs in the air,
I hold you close within my heart-
My Angel Unaware
How can I miss someone so much
I barely had the chance to touch
Yet as you grew inside of me
I learned how strong a love could be
I knew you for a lifetime
I'll love you all of mine
Chorus
Chapter Two
Focusing on the Facts
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Psalm 139:1:3
According to God's creative design, every unborn
child has distinct spiritual significance,
God knew all the days of your baby's life before
any of those days (or moments) came to be.
Before your baby was even conceived, God had a
plan. Your baby was not a mere product of conception,
a lump of tissue, or a life just not meant
to be. Those words are painful to hear and devalue
the sanctity of life, and they are untrue. God
never makes knitting mistakes when He knits life
in the womb. From conception, your baby's life
was truly human and therefore is an eternal soul-a
life ordained by God Himself.
You are not alone in your loss. As shocking as
it sounds, statistics show that 25 percent of all human
conceptions do not complete the twentieth
week of pregnancy. One in four pregnancies end
in miscarriage. Seventy-five percent of fatal deaths
of infants occur in the first twenty weeks. These
numbers are staggering. Why then are we made
to feel that losses through miscarriage, ectopic
pregnancy, stillbirth and early infant death are
relatively uncommon happenings that only a
few people experience? As statistics show, losses
of this kind are far from rare. These numbers
translate into empty arms, broken hearts and
many childless parents.
A great number of people experience multiple
losses. Whether it is your first loss or one of
many, your loss is significant. Even if you already
have children, the pain of losing a baby is crushing.
Although I had three children when I miscarried,
our family was deeply grieved by our
loss. Each child is a special creation, and one
child cannot replace another.
Before our own experience, my husband and
I were not aware of the frequency of pregnancy
loss. After we miscarried, our eyes were opened
to the losses of others.
Although the world will try to downplay or
even negate the significance of life in the womb,
there is evidence that your little one was a very
real presence. Just as there is evidence of wind
and air-although we cannot see wind and air-there
is evidence of your baby's existence. Life
cannot pass through us without leaving its
imprint of life in the womb.
What evidence do you have that validates the
life of your child? There are many, including a
pregnancy test, cravings, morning sickness,
extreme tiredness, heartbeat sounds, sonogram
pictures, body-shape changes, hormonal stress,
baby hiccups and kicks, baby showers, gifts, pictures
and videos.
As you seek validation for your little one's
existence, I want to take you to God's Word. The
Bible acknowledges and validates the significance
of your child's brief life. It seems that thousands
of years ago, God had already anticipated
the problem of a world that would not acknowledge
that life begins in the womb at the moment
of conception. The Bible specifically describes
and recognizes life during the first three months
of pregnancy.
In Psalm 139:13-16, we see that God is the
One who created life in the womb. He knows intimately
each life conceived, even as He knows you
now. These verses strongly validate all stages of
life, from the very moment of conception as the
substance of life to the fully formed life ready for
delivery into the world:
For you created my inmost being; you
knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and
wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame
was not hidden from you when I was
made in the secret place. When I was woven
together in the depths of the earth, your
eyes saw my unformed body. All the days
ordained for me were written in your
book before one of them came to be.
The same truths apply to you and your baby:
• God formed your delicate inner parts.
• You were woven together by God in your
mother's womb.
• You were wonderfully and complexly
made.
• You were not hidden from God when
your frame was made in utter seclusion.
• God's eyes saw your very substance when
you were yet unformed.
• Each day of your life was planned and
recorded before your first moment of
existence came to pass.
Life is God's creation, created to bring glory
to Him. Although we can set up the circumstance
for God to create a life, we do
notmake life happen;
He does. Even before our babies are conceived,
all of their days have been numbered.
That means that each moment of our babies'
existence here on Earth, whether in or out of the
womb, whether for a few hours, days, weeks or
months, was planned and allowed by God. He
created that life just as He had planned. There is
no room for happenstance or accident.
Allow these facts about your baby's brief life
to bring you boldness in your grief as well as
peace for your soul. I hope you will find incredible
healing and peace as you are freed to face the
facts about the life you carried. Your baby was the
handiwork of God!
As painful as it might be to face your loss at
this moment, facing it is the only way to truly
begin to heal. As painful as it may be at first, let
your heart grieve. Every tear you shed is worthwhile.
With all boldness and love, I encourage you
to think of your child as a gift from God. Your
baby's life, however brief, was purposed and significant.
The Father was and continues to be
glorified through your child's precious life. His
purpose in that life is being fulfilled even now
through you.
Prayer
Dear God, please help us see our
child as an eternal life that You
created. Hold us tightly, as we
begin to deal with the reality of
our loss. Help us to trust that
You have a plan to make beauty
out of ashes in our lives. Help us
know how to let go and how to
continue on with our lives. Help
us see our child as a gift of life
from You. Amen.]
Continues.
