Chapter One
Great Expectations
If we're honest, we'll admit that we all approach marriage with a set
of desires and wishes that we hope will be realized as a result of
forming a union with our spouse. We have ideas about when we'll have
children, how we'll spend time together, and what lifestyle we'll enjoy.
But what happens when our dreams for marriage fail to materialize?
What if your partner never gets around to doing his or her part so
you can finally experience life as you've always envisioned it? What if
your ideas for life as a married person collide with your partner's ideas?
In this session, we'll look at four common responses when our box full
of dreams gets shelved. And we'll discover the difference between pouring
your heart and soul into a marriage and pouring it into the person
you love.
MY BOX OF DREAMS
From early childhood, most people dream of getting married
someday. We have vivid mental images of what it will
look like and feel like to finally be a married person. We
imagine where we'll live, what we'll drive, where we'll go on
vacation, and how many children we'll have. Many people
have detailed ideas of what they'll talk about, what they'll do
on Saturday afternoons, or what they'll eat on Wednesday
nights. What are some of the dreams of marriage you always
envisioned before you were married?
VIDEO NOTES
(Read This or Watch Session 1 of the DVD)
We all approach marriage with a picture of how it is going
to be. Even if you are single you have already begun to imagine
what marriage should look like: She will submit. He will
submit. We'll save money. We'll spend money. We will
spend our discretionary time together. I need my space and
friends. Christmas is just us in our own little bungalow.
Christmas is at my mom's with all my aunts, uncles, and
cousins .
At the center of all this is "I." I imagine. I desire. I have
always thought. I expect. We have drawn a picture of marriage
designed for me and by me. Bottom line, we have
agendas for the people we are marrying. And wouldn't you
know it, your spouse also has an agenda and a set of expectations
as well. They have an "I."
Eventually the I's collide, and we all react in one of four
ways:
The first option is to leave. "This is not what I thought
it would be." The problem with this option is that we take
"I" with us. We just move on and dump our expectations on
someone else.
The second option is to conquer and try to change our
spouses. This is an attempt to get "her" to be "I."
The third option is to conform. When we conform we
try to become somebody we are not. "I won't be 'I,' I'll be
'him.'" On the surface things look good. But eventually, the
truth surfaces and somebody is taken by complete surprise.
The fourth option is to compromise. This works great
for a while. However, compromise is still about "I." "I will
as long as you will." "Didn't we do it your way last time?"
Compromise leads to scorekeeping and it kills intimacy. It is
really another way to be committed to "I" because I want
MY marriage to work out.
While there are areas in your marriage where compromise
is important, at some point you should move beyond
compromise as a way of dealing with your differences. We'll
talk about the best way for handling differences over the
next several sessions. In this session, we'll stop to identify
how you have been handling your expectations thus far.
{"What a happy and holy fashion it is
that those who love one another should
rest on the same pillow."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne}
[NOTES]
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DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
Take a few moments to discuss your answers to these
questions with the group.
1. How have the following affected your
expectations going into marriage? What
pictures of marriage have you tried to imitate
or avoid?
* TV
* Books or magazines
* Your parents' marriage(s)
* Other marriages
2. Have you ever felt like you just couldn't
measure up-that you just couldn't meet the
expectations you felt were placed upon you?
Maybe this occurred with your parents, your
spouse, your boss, a coach, or someone else.
How did this affect the relationship?
3. What about leaving? Why is this option
sometimes tempting? What is the problem
with this option?
4. Have you ever tried to make your spouse more
like you? Does it work? What message does this
give your spouse?
5. When expectations collide, one of the most
popular options is to compromise. However,
compromise can backfire when you are more
committed to your marriage than your partner.
Have you observed this?
MILEPOSTS
* Everyone comes into marriage with a set of wishes
and desires.
* When our desires for marriage turn into
expectations, conflict ensues.
* Four common responses to conflict in marriage: we
run, we conquer, we conform, we compromise.]
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
This week, list two or three examples of the weight of expectations
in your life.
THINK ABOUT IT
God doesn't call you to be committed to marriage; He calls
you to be committed to your spouse. If you think about it,
it's possible to give "honor" to marriage while unloading
expectations on your spouse. So what about you? Where
does your commitment lie?
CHANGING YOUR MIND
In the Bible, God gives us instructions for a successful marriage.
Renew your mind by meditating on God's Word this
week.
"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so
that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won
over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they
see the purity and reverence of your lives."
1 Peter 3:1-2
DAILY DEVOTIONS
To help you prepare for session two, use these suggested
devotions during the week leading up to your small group
meeting.
Day One
Read 1 Peter 2:21-3:1. What kind of example did Christ
leave for us in how to love others? Today, focus on emulating
Christ's example of unconditional love, even in the face
of hostility.
Day Two
Read 1 Peter 3:1. In the same way that Christ expressed His
love by submitting Himself, so wives are to express their love
by submitting themselves to their husbands. How do expectations
get in the way of fulfilling this command? As you go
through the day, think about the expectations you place on
your spouse.
Day Three
Read 1 Peter 3:1-2. When you submit to someone else, you
gain favor in his or her eyes. How about when you place
expectations on others? What kind of response does this
elicit? Focus today on how people react to the weight of
expectations that are placed on them.
Day Four
Read 1 Peter 3:7. In the same way that wives are to submit
to their husbands, husbands are to be considerate and
respectful toward their wives. One sign that we are placing
expectations on our spouse is that we stop serving our
spouse. As you go through the day, take note of how considerate
you are of your spouse.
Day Five
Read 1 Peter 3:7 again. How does your relationship with
your spouse impact your relationship with God? As you go
through the day, pray that God would make you aware of
the expectations you are placing on your spouse.
Last week .
We saw that conflicts in marriage result when our desires are
allowed to turn into expectations. We also examined four
common responses when our ideas for marriage remain
unfulfilled: we run, we conquer, we conform, or we
compromise.
(Continues.)
