Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

Chapter One

Raising a child these days can be very scary.

In horror I watched the reports of the shooting spree in Littleton, Colorado, where teenagers were gunned down in their own high school. A few months later, a shooter invaded a preschool in Southern California. These incidents grabbed headlines, but in many urban areas drive-by shootings are too commonplace to get much press. Everywhere, children are at risk. And who knows what tragedies the new millennium will hold?

But it's not just bullets I'm worried about. Kids are being held hostage by coarse TV shows, violent video games, and valueless schools. Can they come through all of that with sweet spirits and strong morals, with self-confidence and concern for others? Is it possible to bring up good children in such a crazy age?

Sure, it's possible. But it's still scary.

Many parents I know worry that they are the danger, that somehow they'll do something terribly wrong, warping their children for life. They fear that they'll be too demanding or too permissive, too clinging or too distant. They end up paralyzed in their parenting, unable to help their children grow because they're too afraid to do anything.

I remember how petrified I was when I held my first child. She was a bundle of joy but I cradled her like fine china, fearing that I'd hurt her. And the fact is, in the twenty-seven years since then I did make mistakes, and so did my wife. I'm sure we hurt little Holly in certain ways, but we also helped her grow. Now she's a beautiful young lady, newly married, the head of a high school English department. Whew! We made it!

Of course we can't take too much of a breather-there are four other little Lemans right behind her. At this writing, our youngest is seven, so we're still in the thick of the parenting business. And it's still scary, especially as we see the world changing around us.

But I've got great news for you: You are going to make mistakes in parenting just as Sande and Kevin Leman did-guaranteed! You may not make the same mistakes, but you'll make plenty. I still remember one day when my eleven-year-old daughter looked up at me angrily and said, "You know what you ought to do? Read your own book!" Mistakes are part of the journey called parenting. But the good news is that you can learn from them. You can improve your parenting, building responsible kids and building joyful relationships with them.

Hillary Rodham Clinton took the title for her book from an old proverb: "It takes a village to raise a child." The saying makes some sense, I guess-we can all use others' help in caring for our kids. But the problem is, it's not a village, Hillary. It's a jungle out there. We're just swinging through, grabbing vine after vine, holding on for dear life. And we don't need the community to raise our kids, we don't need the schools to do it, we don't need the government telling us how, we don't even need churches to do our child rearing for us . we need parents to step up and do it. And we need everyone else-community, school, government, church-to support the parents in their efforts.

That's my challenge to you. Step up to the plate and be a parent. Decide that your family is your most important calling and commit yourself to it. Take the job of caring for your kids. It won't be easy. It won't always be fun. But it will be worth it.

You'll never be a perfect parent. You don't even have to be a great parent. But I'm urging you to take the time and effort to be a good parent. You can do it. This book can help.

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

The time has come for an idea I call reality discipline. It's a consistent, decisive, and respectful way for parents to love and discipline their children. (Notice I said "discipline" and not "punish." I said "love" and not "smother love.") Reality discipline steers a course between an authoritarian style and a permissive style, giving kids some choices but also holding them accountable.

I'm as happy as anyone that we no longer live in the Dark Ages when children were supposed to be seen and not heard and heaven help them if they let out a peep. I'm also relieved to see that we no longer wallow in the over-permissiveness of the 1950s and 1960s, which saw many parents being led astray by the notion that disciplining their children would inhibit their little psyches.

Now I see many families groping between those two extremes. As a family therapist, I talk to parents and their children every week. I also travel widely to speak to parents and teachers about child-rearing, discipline, and guidance. What I see and hear is that, in too many homes today, otherwise sophisticated and educated parents are still not sure they know the difference between discipline and punishment, between permissiveness and loving nurture. They're asking questions like:

How do I really love my children?

How do I respect my children?

How can I hold them accountable for their actions?

How do I get them to do what I think they ought to do, without resorting to physical or verbal violence?

What about spanking? Is it necessary? How much? How often?

In this book I present "reality discipline." It's an attempt to answer all those questions in a sensible, workable way.

Once I was flying home from appearing on "The 700 Club" when a businessman across the aisle struck up a conversation with me. Now I'm not a talker on airplanes, but this man was. After he rambled on for a while, he asked, "And what do you do?"

I'm always hesitant to say I'm a psychologist or a Christian speaker-both of those tend to spook people. So I said, "I was just doing a show."

He asked more about it, and I described the family building comments I had presented on the TV program.

"That is really good stuff," he said. "Where did a young man like you get such wisdom?" (At least I was younger than he was.)

"To tell you the truth," I replied, "I got it out of one book." He immediately reached into his pocket and pulled out a little computer with a notepad program, preparing to write the title and author of this brilliant book.

"It's the Bible," I said slowly. "B-I-B-L-E."

The truth is that reality discipline is inspired by Scripture. It actually finds its basis in a brief passage from the New Testament where the apostle Paul writes:

Children, obey your parents; this is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you. Honor your father and mother. This is the first of God's Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise: that if you honor your father and mother, yours will be a long life, full of blessing.

And now a word to you parents. Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice. Ephesians 6:1-4

The words I want to pay particular attention to are obey, authority, and loving discipline. My goal is to give parents specific ways to use their authority correctly as they bring up obedient children with loving discipline.

At this point you may be trying to place me on some kind of scale. How firm do I believe a parent should be? Do I recommend spanking or not? Well, I believe spanking has a place, but in most cases it should not take first place. At the same time, I strongly believe that when we discipline children, their psyches are not in danger. The white-glove technique went out with the early excesses of Dr. Spock.

But the keynote of reality discipline is love. One of the astounding things that I see again and again is that many children don't feel loved in their own homes. Family counselor Craig Massey conducted a survey of 2,200 teenagers from Christian homes across the United States. A startling 79 percent claimed they felt a lack of love at home. For discipline to work, the first thing that must happen is that the child must feel genuinely loved. Built on this loving foundation, reality discipline uses guidance and action-oriented techniques that force a child to accept responsibility and learn accountability for his or her actions.

Seven Principles of Reality Discipline

I hesitate to offer a set number of "steps" or "secrets" of reality discipline, because it's never that easy. It's often a matter of trial and error. You develop a feel for it. The rest of this book discusses the details of applying this childrearing method, and it's hard to condense it all into a few catchphrases. But with all of that in mind, let me give you seven "principles" on which reality discipline is based.

1. Establish a healthy authority over your children.

A family is not a democracy. The parents need to be in charge. As Ephesians 6 says, God has placed parents in authority over children. So it's not just your own authority you're establishing, but God's.

If we make kids the centerpiece of the family, we teach them that they're the center of the universe, that their happiness reigns supreme. Nothing could be further from the truth. Too many pampered kids get out into the world and are shocked that the world does not revolve around them. They're princes and princesses at home but peons in real life, and they can't handle it. The best preparation for the real world is a home in which the children are valued family members-but not the be-all and end-all.

Kids need parents to be parents. They want parents to be parents. Their displays of power and rebellion are tests of your willingness to parent them. If you don't establish your parental authority, no one else will. Not the schools, not the media, certainly not their peers. Don't be afraid to take charge in your home. What you say goes.

But your authority must be a healthy one. In light of Ephesians 6:4, you can't be "scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful." Your authority needs to be a display of love more than power.

2. Hold your children accountable for their actions.

As parents we're all home-schoolers. We should be teaching our kids every day that there are consequences for their actions, some positive and some negative. That's one of the most important things they'll ever learn.

"Write me a note, I'm late," your daughter says on the way to the car.

"What should I write?" you ask innocently. "That Ashley was late today because . why?"

"I need a note!" she pleads, beginning to worry that you won't bail her out this time.

"Well, I have to tell the truth," you respond. "So what should I say? She's late because she was on the phone with her girlfriend for twenty minutes when she should have been getting ready for school. Please do whatever you do to kids who are late for no good reason."

"Mom!"

Ashley thinks you're the grinch who stole Christmas, but you're actually giving her a great gift. You're showing her that her actions matter. You're refusing to bail her out of a mess she got into. If you make excuses for her, you're just letting her continue her irresponsible behavior. But no, you're respecting her choices enough to let her face the consequences. You're holding her accountable for her actions.

3. Let reality be the teacher.

When a cat runs into the street when a car's coming, it becomes a flat cat. We're all sad about that, but the reality is that if it had stopped and looked both ways, it would still be alive. That's a valuable lesson children can learn through observation or through experience.

That's why I love goldfish as pets. If you don't feed them, they die. Children learn that they must care for creatures and things in their care, or else they lose them. You can't resuscitate a dead goldfish. You can't undo that death, no matter how much you want to. Your children may be very sad about it, but that's how they learn. (The fact is, even when you care properly for goldfish, sometimes they die. This can also give you an opportunity to teach your kids about the realities of life and death.)

Look for teachable moments when you can use reality to deliver a powerful lesson. Maybe you let your kids stay up late one night just to show them how tired they'll feel the next day. (But then it's your responsibility to enforce a reasonable bedtime.)

Don't be afraid to let your kids fail. Too many parents worry that failure will scar their children's self-esteem. As a result the parents cheat, change the rules, pretend the child didn't fail, or keep the child from trying anything new. They feel guilty for not protecting their youngsters from such failure, and that guilt propels all sorts of bad decisions. (Visit the science fair at your child's school. Can you pick out the two or three projects that were actually done by the students themselves?)

Your home needs to be a place where your kids can fail-and learn from their failure. Surround them with love, show them how important they are to you, but don't try to undo their failures. It's not our job as parents to get our kids off the hook. Our job is to keep them on the hook. Reality is a great teacher, and if you teach children to learn from reality, its lessons will continue through their whole lives.

4. Use action more than words.

Your children already know what you're going to say. Half the time they can say it for you. "Don't be late, you're going to miss the bus." "Careful, you're going to poke your eye out!" "I'm not going to say this again ." But of course youdo say it again . and again . and again.

We're tempted to try to teach with words. "I'll let you go this time, but don't let it happen again." Which do you think speaks louder-the words don't let it happen again or the action of letting them go this time? The action wins out every time.

When my son, Kevin, was in eighth grade, he asked me for help preparing for a spelling test at school. Normally I'd be glad to help him, but it was 10 P.M., and he had just spent two hours watching TV. I said no, explaining that he should have put his studies first. It was too late now.

You might think that's harsh. I suppose I could have wagged my finger at him, saying, "All right, but next time I won't be so nice." Those words wouldn't have meant anything, but my actions taught him some responsibility. And wouldn't you know it? I heard him shuffling in his room early the next morning, studying for that test.

With reality discipline, you need to state your expectations clearly. Let your children know their responsibilities to the family, to the school, to others.

Continues.