Chapter One
JANUARYacceptance
admonition
affection
appreciation
approval
acceptance
JANUARY 1
A Deliberate, Unconditional, and Positive Response
Accept one another. Romans 15:7, NIV
My (Teresa's) ability to show acceptance of another is contingent upon my
deep knowledge of a loving and accepting Christ. If I am to accept my
spouse as Christ has accepted me, then I need to understand His wonderful
love for me.
God made a deliberate choice to allow Christ to
die on my behalf. It wasn't a convenient or easy
choice, either. It was a choice that prioritized the relationship
between my heavenly Father and me, His
child. Christ took the initiative when He came to
"seek and save the lost" (Luke 19:10). He didn't wait
for me to "get my act together." Rather, He looked
beyond my actions and sins and accepted me as I was.
This acceptance is unconditional and permanent.
There is nothing I can do to earn it or lose it.
God demonstrated this unconditional acceptance
when He looked beyond my faults to see my
need. He didn't excuse my sin but instead gave the
best He had as a remedy for that sin.
This kind of "looking beyond" makes marriage
work, too.
Accepting my spouse as Christ has accepted
me means making a choice. It won't be convenient or easy. It will mean
taking some initiative. It may mean being the first to say, "Honey, I love
you." It may mean not waiting until he changes to tell him how glad I am
to be his wife.
Unconditionally accepting my spouse means looking beyond differences,
disagreements, and disputes. It means looking beyond irritations,
personality flaws, and idiosyncrasies. It even means looking beyond
wrongs and sins committed-not to excuse these things, but to see his
worth in spite of them.
In what ways can you daily demonstrate your deliberate and
unconditional love for your spouse?
JANUARY 2
Acceptance Begins with Him
Accept one another, then, just as Christ has accepted you, in
order to bring praise to God. Romans 15:7, NIV
My wife is so different from me. I (David) am laid back and tend to go with
the flow, while she's very punctual, even to the point of being compulsive
about being on time. I'm flexible-maybe even a little oblivious to details-while
she's a perfectionist. I'm quiet and reserved, while
she's outgoing and likes lots of attention.
When my life gets stressful, these differences
between us can make my wife seem-from my perspective
-impatient, critical, and loud. Those character
traits are difficult for me to accept.
I have learned, however, that acceptance
doesn't mean condoning someone's behavior. It simply
means looking deeper than someone's actions to
see that person's true worth, just as God does with me
when He sees my sin. Christ looked beyond
Zacchaeus's selfishness and greed and offered kindness
and warmth. Jesus separated Peter's impulsiveness
and cowardly betrayal from his worth. Christ talked with the woman
at the well, a woman who lived year after year in habitual sin, and offered
her freedom because He saw her need for unconditional love.
Have I ever been selfish or greedy in my marriage? Undoubtedly! I've
even cheated my wife out of undivided attention and stolen her joy at
times. Have I ever acted without thinking or spoken without caution? Absolutely!
Have I ever betrayed a confidence or trust? Are there sins I live
with year after year? Yes!
And yet, despite these imperfections and sins, God still accepts me
and offers me kindness and compassion.
As I look beyond Teresa's manner, my gratitude for her as a special
and loving helpmate continues to grow. But that happens only as I remind
myself of how Christ accepts me despite my own shortcomings.
In what ways can you continually remind yourself of your
spouse's true worth, despite that person's imperfections?
JANUARY 3
I'm a 10!
For by one offering He has perfected for all time those who are
sanctified. Hebrews 10:14, NASB
I (Teresa) had always been critical of myself-and of everyone else, for that
matter.
The way I understood God, He was up in heaven with a great big
magnifying glass and tally sheet, inspecting every
move I made. When I went to church or did a good
deed, He'd make a mark on His tally sheet. But on
that same sheet, He'd make a mark for every blunder,
sin, or imperfection. I believed that my net number of
"good" marks determined how much of God's love
and acceptance I would receive.
This faulty perception of God had a huge impact
on my marriage. I believed that since God was
constantly inspecting me and looking for faults, then
surely I should inspect my husband just as closely.
In the midst of one of my inspections, I said some really hurtful things to
David. Immediately, I knew I needed to confess this sin to God and ask for
forgiveness.
In times past, as I confessed my sins to God and told Him how bad I'd
been, I would have expected a halfhearted response: "Okay, Teresa," I
could hear God reluctantly saying. "I'll forgive you. I'll mark your confession
on the tally sheet, and we'll let it go this time."
But this time, my heavenly Father very gently said, "I know what
you've done. You're forgiven, Teresa."
When I heard God's truth-that He already knows my sins and accepts
me anyway-a burden was lifted. I realized that God doesn't hold a
magnifying glass and tally sheet over me. Instead, He holds the crown of
thorns that His Son wore and the nails that pierced His hands and feet.
I saw God as He really is: the heavenly Father who sees me as one being
perfected because of the Cross.
How have your wrong perceptions of God affected your
relationship with your spouse?
JANUARY 4
Acceptance in a Sycamore Tree
Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your
house today. Luke 19:5, NIV
Zacchaeus-a hated tax collector, a traitor to his own people, and a thief-was
no doubt often ridiculed and attacked for his sins. Lonely and curious,
he climbed a tree to get a good look at this "Messiah." He had to wonder if
Jesus would notice him. And if He did, would He too
reject him?
What a miracle Christ's call must have been to
this outcast!
Our Savior called Zacchaeus to fellowship with
Him by the sharing of a meal, which was one of the
most intimate social settings of the day. This was a deliberate
offer of welcome, reception, and loving relationship.
In the midst of Zacchaeus's failures, Jesus offered
compassion, companionship, and acceptance.
It's interesting to note what Jesus didn't do that day: He didn't attack the
tax collector's behavior, point out things that were wrong with him, or even
give helpful advice. He didn't remind Zacchaeus of what he should be doing
or criticize him for not taking more responsibility. Jesus didn't quote
Scripture to Zacchaeus or make comparisons with other tax collectors in
town. He didn't try to manipulate change or withhold affection.
I (Teresa) want to respond to David the way Christ responded to
Zacchaeus. As I encounter David's inevitable failures, I want to be free from
the impulse to be critical and give advice. I want to say words that are tender
and welcoming, rather than judgmental and comparing. I want to
make certain that the "welcome mat" is always out. To be like Christ will
mean that I consistently invite David to fellowship with me.
I want to respond to David with words and actions that invite him to
"come down out of the tree." After all, it gets awfully lonely up there!
What steps can you take today to replace words of judgment, comparison, complaint, and criticism with words of unconditional
acceptance and love?
JANUARY 5
Welcome Home!
Anyone who welcomes you is welcoming me, and anyone who
welcomes me is welcoming the Father who sent me. Matthew 10:40, NLT
When Jesus returns to His hometown with His disciples, they file into the
back of the Nazareth synagogue where He had worshiped as a child. The
priest has just finished his closing remarks, and the musicians begin to lead
the people in a song of worship: "Praises to Jehovah!
Hosanna to the Lord our God!"
The Savior is overwhelmed with feelings of joy
and gratitude. He is in the company of His family and
friends, and together they are worshiping the one true
God.
Before anyone has a chance to move, Jesus begins
to speak. He teaches with uncommon boldness
and clarity about the God they have just studied in the
Scriptures.
When Jesus finishes teaching, the people leave the synagogue a little
bewildered. A few of the neighbors come to shake His hand. Some of the
synagogue officials extend to Him an uncomfortable, "Thanks for being
with us today." But the Savior reads their hearts, which are filled with questions
such as, "Who does He think He is? Isn't He just a carpenter's son?"
Scripture puts it this way: "And they took offense at Him" (Matthew 13:57,
NASB).
Can you feel the rejection? Jesus is in His hometown, the place where
He should be most accepted, yet His friends and neighbors take offense at
Him and in their hearts put up a sign that clearly reads, "Unwelcome."
Would you have offered Jesus acceptance and welcome in that situation,
or would you have put up the "Unwelcome" sign? Before you answer
that question, think about these words of Jesus: "Anyone who welcomes
you is welcoming me."
When I (Teresa) accept my husband, I amaccepting Christ, who sent
him to me. Every time I welcome David, I am saying, "Welcome" to the
Lord.
In what ways can you daily accept and welcome your spouse
into your life?
JANUARY 6
Just As I Am
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay
no attention to the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3, NIV
I (Teresa) grew up in a family that valued routine and schedules. However,
my husband's family was much more laid back. Both of his parents worked,
and their routines were never the same each day.
Because of this difference in upbringing, when
David and I married, our expectations clashed like
brown shoes with a tuxedo. For example, I'd cook
David's favorite dishes for dinner, just certain that
he'd come through the door promptly at 5:30 each
day, kiss the kids and me on the cheek, and sit down
to a family dinner. But on more nights than I care to
count, I'd end up with a tapping foot, a disgusted
look on my face, and a cold dinner in the oven as I
waited for my husband to come home.
Looking back, I have realized that I didn't respond
well to the situation. In fact, I was pretty intolerant.
I had come to view David's seeming lack of appreciation for my
cooking as absolutely unacceptable. But God showed me that this wasn't
necessarily David's problem. In His gentle voice, He prompted me with
these thoughts one day: Teresa, could it be that the intolerance you have for
David's schedule has actually become a "plank in your eye"? Don't worry
about the speck in his. Your lack of acceptance of David's differences is a part
of the conflict between the two of you.
I still need David to keep me informed about when he's coming
home, and I need some "thank you's" every now and then. But each late
dinner is a reminder to me to accept David as he is rather than trying to
change him to be like me.
What changes might God be trying to make in you, using your
spouse's flaws and shortcomings as the tools to make
those changes?
JANUARY 7
Accepting an Imperfect Person
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were
still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
This verse tells us that Christ died for us even though we were sinners. The
best word in this verse is "while." He died for me while I (David) was still rebellious
and hostile to the things of God.
We are to love our spouses in the same way
Christ loved us. We are to love them even though they
are imperfect and sinful. How do we do that, you ask?
By reflecting on the fact that He first loved us.
Most couples go through several stages in their
marriage before they reach the ability to commit to
loving a real and admittedly imperfect person. It takes
a while for some couples to stop trying to change one
another and to choose to accept one another while
both are still sinners.
Which stage are you in?
Romantic Stage: You see your spouse as perfect, as everything you
need.
Bargaining Stage: Your spouse surely isn't perfect, and you will
change if your spouse does.
Coercive Stage: You will change your spouse, whether or not he or she
likes it.
Desperation Stage: You give up trying to change your spouse, believing
that person will never change.
Romantic Realism: You are finally at a point where you can live out
Romans 5:8 and love your spouse, who sees and admits his or her own imperfections.
This stage of marriage is summed up with this kind of vow:
"I take you to be my spouse with full knowledge that you will sometimes
disappoint me gravely and hurt me deeply. In spite of all your weaknesses
and failures, I commit myself to loving you. I am able to do this
because of the acceptance of Christ, who loved me and died for me while I
was still a sinner."
In what ways can you demonstrate unconditional
love for your spouse?
admonition
JANUARY 8
Constructive Guidance
Do nothing out of selfish ambition . but in humility consider
others better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3, NIV
Admonition: constructive guidance in what to avoid; warning.
That definition of admonition has a positive feel to it. But I (Teresa)
must admit that my admonitions have not always sounded so positive. I
readily confess that I'm a take-charge kind of person.
David has called this my "whip and drive" mode of
operation, and it has at times been a point of contention
in our marriage.
Continues.
