Chapter One
Is Your Life Out of Sync?
My life flies by-day after hopeless day.
(Job 7:6, TLB)
Do you remember George Bailey, the main character in the classic movie, It's a Wonderful Life? He sinks into a serious depression and even considers
ending his life because of his unrealized dreams and feelings of
uselessness. With the help of Clarence, an angel, George is shown the
impact of the specific relational assignments in which he has been critically
needed over the years. He comes to realize that there has been a
clear purpose in his life all along. He discovers that his life has mattered
and still matters a great deal.
Like George, we each have purposes to fulfill, many of which are
linked to our relationships, passions, talents, experiences, dreams, hopes,
and longings. Living a larger, more fulfilling and dynamic life than you
may currently be living is possible when you catch God's vision for your
life. It is a transformational experience. I'm no angel, but I experienced
a remarkable transformation as I journeyed on the pathway to purpose.
And, I am eager to share lessons I have learned along the way.
At age thirty-five, I unexpectedly found myself divorced. Gary and I
had started dating during college. We got married, built a life together,
had children. Then, in the flash of a conversation that lasted only a few
minutes, it was over. All of a sudden I had no husband to tend to, my
two children were often visiting their dad, and many of the family responsibilities
that for years had defined my life were nearly nonexistent.
I was far more fortunate than many divorced women with young
children. I was not financially abandoned and forced into survival mode.
Quite the opposite. My ex-husband adored our children. He couldn't
get enough of them or do enough to make our lives easier. So when
the kids came home to me, they were fed, often newly clothed, and
happily exhausted. I had less laundry, cooking, shopping, and homework
assistance to worry about than when we were together as a family.
I lived like a divorced princess.
But deep inside, I was not well. The ease of my life did nothing to
lessen the immeasurable sadness of the divorce. My heart was broken
and I was lonely. Fewer neighborhood kids visited our new, tiny house,
and no couples invited me to join their outings. After a few bad experiences,
I chose not to date. So I lived a quiet and simple life shared
with several faithful friends, my Bible, and my new best companion, TV
Guide.
With no pressing roles to fulfill, I felt enormously dispirited and useless.
Everything I had crowded into my life to bring it some semblance
of meaning had been yanked away or grown stagnant. My casual friends
noticed that I seemed lost, but those who knew me best realized that I
was crashing into hopelessness.
The pain of that transition and my lack of purpose was made worse
by the fact that for five years I had begged God to give me a Joan of
Arc-type cause or a unique purpose to champion, but he had not seen
fit to do so. I felt confused. At times I wondered if the only logical life
purpose I had left was shopping for new clothes because my weight spiraled
downward as my depression deepened.
A Longing for Purpose
It has been more than a decade and a half since those difficult days,
and God has given me more meaning in life than I ever could have
imagined. In the midst of that purposeless desert, I began an intense
spiritual journey through which God slowly revealed to me his multifaceted
reasons for my existence. Today, my service as a licensed minister
at Saddleback Church and as a Certified Christian LifePlan
Facilitator allow me the privilege of walking alongside other women
who are crying out for purpose in their lives.
I will share a bit more of my journey on the pathway to purpose
shortly, but now, let me ask about you. How are you doing in the area
of personal validity and life significance? Are
you crying out to the Lord for clarity regarding
his purposes for your life?
Through my own faltering steps and my
interaction with thousands of other women, I
have come to realize that countless good,
Christian women barely function because they
feel alone, disillusioned, or trapped by vague dissatisfaction. They feel
that they have no critically important reason to exist, and they are guilt-ridden
about their dark secret of borderline despair.
The fact is, most women have felt this void at one time or another,
even if just mildly. At some transition point in life, they have experienced
a let-down feeling. This unexplainable melancholy may manifest
itself in many ways-from the baby blues to a midlife crisis. It may be
prompted by a job loss, a home relocation, or divorce. It may also occur
after reaching a cherished goal such as completing a race, building a
house, graduating from school, planning a wedding, or retiring from a
career.
If you find yourself in this perplexing place, you may feel bored and
confused. Perhaps you hunger for something challenging to which to
give your life. Perhaps you began adulthood with great ideas of how
you were going to make a difference in the world but now find yourself
struggling to make sense of feelings of emptiness, frustration, or
futility. Perhaps you can't turn off the unsettling questions that scream
out in the silence of your nights:
* Dear God, where do I fit? How can I make a difference? Where
is the place you have for me?
* Does anyone really need me? Does my existence even matter
in this world?
* Why do I feel like such a failure as a Christian?
* Why don't I enjoy my church ministry, my family
responsibilities, or my job anymore? Why do I feel so
unsatisfied?
* Why am I not happy? How did I pile up so many regrets?
* Is this really all there is to life? Is this what God wants my life
to look like?
* When did my dreams and passions get relegated to a back
burner?
* If I heard God's call, would I have the time or emotional
strength to pursue it?
If you find yourself facing questions like these and long for something
better, be assured that there is hope. God will reveal your purpose,
and your heart will sing over what he has in store for you! He
wants you to be able to say, "I'm in my element. I'm in sync. This is
what my life is supposed to be about. I was born for this. What a blast!"
Or-the clincher in the case of a career-"I can't believe I get paid to
do this!"
Desperate for Answers
Let me share a little more of how I began my search for meaning in
life. During those terrible days of feeling utterly purposeless, my life-long
friend Beth and I talked about our similar frustrations. Both of us
felt that, even though we had given our lives to Christ, he hadn't shown
up lately (at least from our limited perspective!) to give us an updated
and clear life direction. We longed for God to show us the way we
should go, which we knew he could do. We even joked about inventing
a "purpose Geiger counter," so we could detect even the slightest
signs of purposeful activity.
Beth had recently turned the Big Five-O and was an empty-nester.
She described herself as a "worn-out married woman who was lost in a
marsh of mediocrity, sinking in the quicksand of the quitter years." I
felt more on edge, as if I was waiting for someone (or something)
important who was never going to show up-much like waiting for a
plumber on New Year's Eve.
Everyone handles this type of psychological and spiritual angst differently,
depending on how mild or intense its manifestation. I was desperate.
I didn't know how to ask for directions for my trek through the
uncharted waters of purposelessness. I knew
only that I was in bad mental and spiritual
shape. I needed to do something-anything-to
get unstuck. I knew I needed to take a bold
step-any bold step-and see what awaited me.
I never expected my journey to begin as it
did. My mom gave me a video of the life of
Mother Teresa. I watched it a half dozen
times, crying each time as it touched me to the
depth of my soul. On the video, Mother Teresa
said that if God was calling me to serve him in
a specific way, I would know it beyond a
shadow of a doubt. She then extended an invitation
to come to Calcutta.
I took her seriously and wrote a brief letter
to the Missionaries of Charity in India asking for
permission to visit. I knew those angels of mercy
obediently answered God's call on their lives by
ministering to the poorest of the poor in one of
the most chaotic environments in the world. I
figured that by working alongside women so in
tune with God I would find their secret to heeding his voice. Surely hearing
their fascinating stories about how he had worked faithfully in their
lives would help me gain insight about his plan for my own life.
They agreed that I could visit, and I began planning my trip to
Calcutta. One decision involved my sixty-seven-year-old mom, who
insisted on going with me. I had no idea how I could protect her from
malaria, muggers, and mayhem, but she would not be dissuaded. Her
mission to seek out and meet Mother Teresa was set in stone. As she
phrased it, "I'm going, even if my chances of meeting that saintly
woman are slim." I finally stopped trying to
explain that the odds were stacked against our
even seeing her beloved heroine. I laughed to
myself as I recalled an old saying: "If it's not
one thing, it's a mother!"
So, my ex-husband whisked off our children
on a much-anticipated vacation, and my
mom and I donned backpacks and headed out
on a ten-day trip that would have ripple effects
through our lives. I boarded the plane with a
mingled sense of apprehension and excitement.
I wondered whether or not I would like
the answers I found across the ocean. In any case, I was thankful to have
a faithful and easygoing traveling companion like my mom. In a way
she was my personal angel of mercy, a true treasure from God, who supported
me in my efforts to understand my new life.
First Step, India
Emerging from the airport after a fatiguing series of flights, I hailed
an airport taxi. My heart pounded as our driver dodged rickshaws, trolleys,
buses, taxicabs, cows, and pedestrians. I knew Calcutta had a population
of eleven million, including more than sixty thousand homeless
people, but that knowledge did not prepare me for the squalor of the
streets. I saw dilapidated shacks made of bamboo, paper, plastic, mud,
cardboard, and tires. I scanned the faces of women making cow dung
patties to use as cooking fuel. I saw children relieving themselves in the
gutters and recoiled at the sight of others using the same gutter water
for bathing. My mom and I could only stare at each other in shock
when we were dropped off in an alleyway near the Missionaries of
Charity Mother House.
As the convent door opened, we were dumbstruck by an entirely different
sight. A dozen noisy novices dressed in blue-and-white saris greeted
us and cheerfully ushered us inside. Even as we were still sorting out our
emotions, one of the sisters nonchalantly asked us, "Would you like to
meet Mother?" We were speechless. The sister escorted us upstairs.
The experience was beyond surreal. Barefoot Mother Teresa bowed
as we approached. She was small in stature and her shoulders were
hunched over, yet she stood before us like a giant. When I saw her,
Isaiah 61:3 flooded into my mind: "They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
My mom and I were well aware of this giant oak's reputation as a
visionary servant-leader and of her work with lepers and the destitute.
So we were surprised when she asked us to sit with her on a rickety
wooden bench on an upstairs balcony. As we huddled together, she
thanked us for coming to serve and for bringing supplies for the
orphans. We chatted casually until I blurted out the question that was
burning in my heart: "How can you do this work in these terrible slum
conditions?"
A smile spread slowly across her face and into her eyes. She exuded
Christlike gentleness as she touched my arm and whispered, "It's pure
joy."
I didn't know what to think. How could she say it is pure joy to work
in the slums? Surely, this was meant to be a riddle of some kind-or was
it the profound answer of a mature oak with deep roots? I wondered
whether I would ever be able to figure out what she meant. Could her
remark possibly hold a clue to the calm and direction for which I searched?
The trip to India was a dream-come-true for my mom. For that, I
was thrilled. As for me, I wrongly concluded that Mother Teresa's pure
joy came from the fact that she had a bold and intense purpose in life
that made her feel good about her immense contribution. During the
next decade that theory would prove to be false. I had so much to think
about, but at least I had taken the first step on my search for purpose.
Second Step, Frankl
A year after my visit to Calcutta, I was sitting in graduate school
(doodling) when the professor began to lecture about Dr. Viktor
Frankl, a Nazi concentration camp survivor. He said that Frankl gave
verbal injections of purpose to fellow prisoners on the verge of dying
from hopelessness. Sometimes Frankl helped them hang on for the purpose
of finishing a painting when they got home or planting a garden
or hugging a loved one.
My internal purpose-finder went off at full volume, and I sat up in
my chair as if electricity were running through my back. I listened
intently as my professor explained the vital role of purpose in the human
heart. And, even though he never mentioned our Creator God as the
one who assigns purpose to each of us, I knew that my search for purpose
was a God-designed phenomenon of human nature. My longing
for significance finally made sense to me. I wasn't crazy, after all!
God intends for people to be driven by purpose! He expects us to
seek definition to our existence and to listen closely while he reveals it.
In his wisdom, he gave each of us varying degrees of the need to feel
visible, to feel that we matter, to feel that we are making a contribution.
No matter where we appear to be in life, whether we wear our
emotions of purposelessness on our sleeve or the world thinks we have
it all together, our longing for purpose still exists to some degree.
I zoned into my research mode to delve deeper. I didn't know where
God was taking me, but the more I learned, the more passionate I
became about Christians today understanding their purposes. I began
to write volumes of disjointed insights. I had embarked again on the
journey of my heart to find purpose in life.
Third Step, Saddleback
Several years after that classroom revelation, God orchestrated that
my kids and I would begin attending Saddleback Church.
Continues.
