Questions You Can't Ask Your Mama about Sex

Chapter One

How far is "too far" sexually when you are not married?

Well, this is the big question for many young people, so it's probably a good starting point. The simple fact is that God does not map out word for word in the Bible what is and is not okay. It sure would be nice if he did.

But the Bible does give us a lot of guidance regarding the age-old question of "How far is too far?" Repeatedly the Bible says not to be sexually immoral. The Bible does not say just to avoid the act of sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but to avoid sexual immorality. In other words, God wants us to be sexually pure.

So sex is more than just intercourse?

The definition of sex needs to be widened to consider more than just intercourse. There are many sexual acts that are not intercourse. Is the action done to cause arousal? If so, it's sexual.

It is hard to be sexually pure in mind and body if you are constantly pushing the limits of what is, or is not, okay. When you push the physical or sexual boundaries when you're dating, it can be like a drug. What was exciting at first starts to seem less exciting-so you move on to the next level because you want to feel the next "high."

Why is reserving sex for marriage so important?

Sexual intimacy binds people together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Each of these three elements is distinct from the others, yet they are dependent on one another at the same time. Sex is a beautiful mystery and a blessing when it is handled appropriately, and it is completely destructive when it is not.

Sex is the most physically intimate action you can participate in with another person. And the steps leading up to intercourse-from holding hands, to hugging and kissing, to touching another person's naked body-are all part of it. The level of intimacy that takes place in all physical actions leading up to and including sex binds those two people together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The physical is only a representation of what is really going on inside both people emotionally and spiritually. When two people end a relationship that has gone far physically, it rips them apart, because they have made themselves so vulnerable to each other on every level.

I love my boyfriend, and he says he loves me. He tells me he wants to go a little further. How do I decide what is okay?

First, I do not question your ability to be in love. Many people fall in love as teenagers, marry their high school sweethearts, and stay married for over 50 years. And within marriage, their sexual activity is blessed as a symbol of their union.

I don't want to fall into the trap of trying to tell you exactly how far your actions should go. Instead, I would remind you that God asks that you honor him in everything you do. Many students date and display affection in ways that bring honor to God. However, they've usually set strict boundaries regarding where not to go.

These boundaries need to be established together-thinking not only of what you can handle but also of each other. If holding his hand causes him to fantasize into the land of arousal, then stop holding his hand. If his giving you a back rub gets your hormones rushing, then don't let him do it. Your lines should entrench you into staying on the purity side of things.

Once the ball of physical activity starts to roll, it can be nearly impossible to change direction. And once you have gone to a certain level of sexual intimacy, both of you will more easily go back to that level the next time.

I have two friends who recently got married. Both were in their mid-twenties and had dated many people before they dated each other. Each of them was so in love with who God had made the other one to be that they decided not to kiss. After dating for over a year, they were married. When they kissed on their wedding day, it was the first time they had ever kissed. That is truly a love story. Today, they are very happy and learning to explore each other's bodies as any married couple would do.

So what do you do when you're "turned on" and in love but not married yet?

Try playing a great board game like Scrabble. This will take your mind off those thoughts-or at least you'll spell some pretty outrageous words! But I guess spelling is a lot safer than what you had in mind!

On a more serious note, rethink your alone time with your boyfriend or girlfriend. It is easy to fall into temptation since you are in love. It's tough to find a couple who can honestly say they are not tempted to experiment, so why put yourself in that situation? You need to place some strict parameters around the relationship. Establish these parameters at a time when the mood is spiritual, not sexual.

One idea could be to establish ending times for dates. When you just hang out till the wee hours of the morning-and no one else is up but the two of you-you have walked onto the front lines of failure.

You could also consider going on group dates. Lots of people make for lots of fun. The pressure for intimate action is limited because of the size of the crowd.

You could also get an accountability partner, maybe an older married couple who can help you and your boyfriend or girlfriend to be accountable and sexually pure before you are ready to get married. (For more on this, see chapter 7 about accountability.)

My boyfriend and I got close, but he never actually went in me. I am still considered pure and a virgin, right?

This question is asked of us often: Am I still a virgin? Technically speaking, the word virgin is defined as one who has had genital sex. However, the bigger issue is purity.

When you ask if you are "still pure and a virgin," you are really asking two different questions. Once mistakes have been made, purity is lost. However, we must realize that with God's help, purity can always be restored. Always. Too many people get bound by their past mistakes and give up on the pursuit of purity.

Regarding your statement, "he never actually went in me," I am concerned about how you got that far along. When two people plow through that many physical boundaries, they are nearing the point of no return. This is a place that must be avoided-not because of rules or regulations, but because you are committed to the best plan that God has established for you. That plan is one mate for life. And that can be defined only within the commitment of a marriage.

Set parameters with your boyfriend before you get caught up in the heat of the moment. This will prevent anger, frustration, and a strained relationship if you miss the mark.

My girlfriend and I are trying not to have sex before marriage, even though her mom said it was okay. So to honor our commitment we just help each other masturbate. It feels comfortable, so what is wrong?

There is more than one thing wrong with this. But let's address what is right first. Your commitment to abstain from sexual intercourse is admirable.

Now, let's consider her mom's permission. I believe honoring mom and dad is crucial. However, when our parents tell us something, we still need to be sure it aligns with God. If it doesn't, we can't use "parental permission" as a license to sin.

At this point in your life, you and your girlfriend are accountable for your own actions. Adjusting to another area of lust and sexual sin instead of having sexual intercourse should not ease your conscience. Look at what 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (The Message) says:

Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus.

To think that mutual masturbation is a form of honoring your vow to purity is total deception. Keep your eyes on the goal. You and your girlfriend should stimulate each other's spiritual growth. Seek to arouse in each other a hunger to learn more about Jesus. When this happens, you truly will be worthy of dating each other.

One final question-The Bible instructs and warns us that if you cause another to fall, you will be judged. Is it possible that if you allow sexual actions into your relationship that you are causing your girlfriend to fall? If so, what makes you exempt from God's hand? It's worth thinking about.

My boyfriend and I have dry sex all the time (with clothes on) and I am the only one who has an orgasm. We don't have sex, and we both don't always orgasm at the same time-it's just pleasure, right?

Dry sex, hmmm?

What happens at the peak of compromise is really irrelevant. We hear this kind of thing a lot. For instance, some people want to say that if only one of the two people is having pleasure, then it's not a bad thing or it's not wrong. I call this Misdirected Morality. Misdirected Morality says, "If I can pleasure this other person by doing this but I'm not receiving pleasure, then I'm okay."

But let's break this scene down a little further. You and your boyfriend are fully clothed. Yet you are rolling around, body to body, on the floor. You are simulating the full act of sexual intercourse, yet the only thing he is penetrating is his polyester pants. Both of you are attaching your conscience, your emotions, and your affection to each other. The fact that there is still a sixteenth of an inch of clothing between you does not make this a God-blessed act.

I fear you underestimate the soul connection that is happening here. That thin layer of clothing does not have the ability to protect the purity of your hearts. It may prevent a pregnancy, but it will still leave you empty when the two of you move on to other relationships.

Some folks will argue with me about this. They will say that what you are doing is harmless. Yet I don't believe that a sexual act is okay just because it can't get you pregnant. That kind of thinking explains why so many young girls, as young as early middle school, are having dry sex and experimenting with oral sex. Many of us in youth ministries were alarmed to hear that many local middle school students were attending oral sex parties. When confronted by the school officials, the young girls had a response similar to yours. They said, "We did not have sex!" As if that would console their parents. It's Misdirected Morality.

Allow God's Word to guide you. Consider this passage from 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 (The Message): "God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity. Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body."

Am I still a virgin if I've given my boyfriend oral sex?

Many hours of counseling have been spent talking with people who feel they have lost their virginity because of oral sex. The definition of a virgin is one who has not had sexual intercourse. Technically, people can be virgins and still engage in very sexual behaviors. So yes, you are still a virgin. But as we've said earlier, God's goal exceeds virginity. His goal is purity. And one cannot participate in oral sex outside of marriage and still be pure.

But I would caution you to guard against the trap of condemnation. Even if you have missed the mark on purity, ask God to cleanse you and then embrace the fact that you are forgiven! With his grace and strength, you'll remain on the right track.

My best friend always makes out with all her girl friends-I think she's just trying to get attention. Recently, she tried to make out with me and everyone knows. Now people are making fun of me. What should I do?

First things first-let's define what it means to be a friend. If your "best" friend is acting this way, you may need to reconsider the foundation of your friendship. A friend is a faithful listener, not a flirty luster. A friend sharpens, but doesn't seduce. A friend gives attention and doesn't always seek to get attention.

Having said that, let's take a deeper look. You stated that everyone knows and people are making fun of you. I assume they are making fun of the fact that she hit on you, not that you refused. Again, if they are making fun of you for refusing, then you need to cut these friends loose. It will be better to find some new friends-or even to be lonely-than to have to fight these battles with those who are closest to you.

Proverbs 17:9 says, "He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." If your friends keep talking about you and making fun of you, they should know that ultimately they will lose you.

If I have oral sex with my boyfriend and then he finishes by masturbating, would that mean I had sex with him? I didn't finish him off, and I got no pleasure for myself.

Yes, you had oral sex with him. Never has sex been qualified by whether you were in contact or initiated contact prior to, during, or after ejaculation. The fact that you are trying to fly under the purity radar is a concern. By the time you are at that point, you may have been more intimate than you can even fathom.

Oral sex is one of the most intimate acts that can occur between two people. Young people dodging the meaning of sex have lost the concept of what it means to be pure. It reminds me of a former president who did not feel he was unfaithful to his wife because of your exact scenario. In fact, many of the youth that I counsel use that very example to argue with me.

The greater picture is purity of the mind, heart, and spirit. God does not delight in the fact that you didn't finish what you started. God detests the fact that you were in that position at all. What was meant for intimacy between two married people has been diminished to a backseat romp where you "got no pleasure for yourself."

I want to challenge you to reaffirm your commitment to God, your future spouse, and your own purity. Use the Bible as your guideline. And don't allow yourself to be used to "start him off." You are a beloved child of God, not just a tool or a physical playground for someone else's pleasure.

All my life I have been attracted to guys as much as girls. Does this mean I am a homosexual?

Thank you for the honest question and for having the right heart to address this issue. I can tell you firmly the answer is: NO, you are not a homosexual. Homosexual is a term the world has dubbed for those who attach themselves sexually to a person of the same gender.

Continues.