Chapter One
The first time Amy made me promise we would go to Paris
was on a sultry summer night when we were eleven. A
noisy metal fan balanced atop a stack of books on Amy's
vanity table provided the only movement in her bedroom.
The two of us had positioned ourselves belly-down at the
end of her princess bed, chins resting on our folded hands.
Facing the fan, we looked at ourselves in all three sides of
the vanity mirror. We liked looking in the mirror and making
faces at ourselves and at each other. This particular
night, however, was too hot to be silly. Amy switched to a
different form of entertainment-thinking up things for me
to promise her I would do.
"You have to swear something to me, Lisa," she said
with her dramatic Amy flair. "You have to swear to me that
we will always be best friends, no matter what."
"I'm not allowed to swear," I said.
"Then promise it. Promise me we'll always be best
friends."
"I promise."
"And promise me you'll be in my wedding and I'll be
in yours."
"Okay, I promise." I liked the idea of being Amy's maid
of honor. I knew she would have an all-pink wedding, and
there was a good chance I'd wear a very fancy dress.
"Now promise me you'll be there, right beside me,
when I give birth to my first child."
"Why on earth would I want to do that?"
"You don't have to watch or help or anything, Lisa. I
just want you to be there. Promise me you'll be there." Her
expression reflected in the mirror made it clear she wasn't
kidding about any of this.
"Okay. I'll be there for you, Amy. I promise."
"Okay, good." Flipping over onto her back, Amy
reached for the ruffled eyelet of the canopy with her
pointed toe. Earlier that evening we had painted our toes
with frosted cotton candy nail polish. I noticed that Amy's
toes looked pinker and frostier than mine, so I went for the
bottle on the vanity to apply another coat. Keeping up with
Amy tended to take extra effort.
"If my first baby is a boy, I'm going to name him Davy,"
Amy said in her dreamiest voice.
This was no surprise since Amy's closet door was covered
with a collection of Monkee fan pictures torn out of
her Tiger Beat magazines. In the center of the collage was
the cover of her mother's TV Guide embellished with a red
heart around Davy Jones's grinning face.
"Davy is a nice name," I said agreeably. Amy already
knew that Peter was my favorite Monkee, so it wouldn't be of
any value to bring up that topic again. Ninety percent of the
reason I cast my crush vote for Peter was because every other
girl at school thought Davy was the cutest. Those were the
same girls who had pink vinyl carrying cases for their Barbies.
"Who do you think you and I will end up marrying?"
Amy asked.
"Beats me."
"I'm thinking we'll find men who are smart and rich
and maybe famous."
I grinned. "I thought you would say they would be
French."
"Of course they'll be French!"
Outside, a souped-up car rumbled loudly, leaving
behind a puffy gasp of leaded gasoline that rose silently
and slipped through the second-story bedroom window to
our pristine hideaway. I coughed involuntarily. Anything
that had to do with the dirtiness of cars made me cough.
"Unless, of course, I marry Davy Jones," Amy said.
"Then maybe we'll just live in France."
I gave Amy one of my "oh, brother!" looks over the top
of my glasses.
"It could happen! Of course, you do know, Lisa, that
before either of us has babies or gets married, we must go
to Paris."
"Why?" I held up my foot in front of the fan in what
I'm sure was a rather unladylike pose.
"We have to go to Paris to show we have style. We'll
buy high-heeled shoes and sunglasses and parade down
the Champs-Elysées like refined and sophisticated women.
When we come home, everyone will think you and I are
the classiest young ladies in all of Memphis."
Amy seemed to have forgotten that I was the daughter
of Tommy Kroeker, as in Tommy Kroeker Deluxe Carwash
on Downing Street and Elm. I did not come from a family
known for style or sophistication. As a matter of fact, my
father was known for his strangely twisted, self-deprecating
humor. Instead of minimizing that our last name was
pronounced "croaker," he plopped his face on the ten-foot-tall
caricature of a bullfrog and turned "Tommy
Kroeker's Car Wash" into one of the most memorable
sights in Memphis. Before Graceland opened its gates to
visitors, that is.
I won't begin to recite all the taunts I heard while
growing up. Kermit the frog had not yet made his celebrity
debut, and no one yet understood how it isn't easy being
green. By the age of six, I was convinced there was nothing
positive about being a Kroeker. Especially when you're the
only female Kroeker and forbidden to kick or slug or bite,
even though you knew you would be pretty good at it if
given the chance.
Amy all but dispelled the Kroeker curse that night
when she talked about how going to Paris would make me
classy and refined. That small seed of hope tucked itself
into my spirit and stayed with me for many years before it
sprouted.
I look back now and realize that the gift of a true friend
is that she sees you not the way you see yourself or the way
others see you. A true friend sees who you are inside and
who you can become. That's what Amy did for me during
those precarious preteen years. She showed me what a
beautiful and feminine thing it was to carry around a
dream with you. According to Grandmere, Amy said,
"Hope is the most versatile and sparkling of all accessories
and can be worn by any woman, regardless of her age."
Catching my contorted position in the vanity mirror of
Amy's room that evening, I straightened up, and with a
heightened sense of my lack of decorum said, "Your
mother lived in Paris when she was in high school, didn't
she?"
"For two years," Amy said. "Not that you and I have to
stay that long. But don't you think my mother is classy?"
No doubt about it. Amy's mom, Elie DuPree, was the
classiest of all women. She worked at an exclusive clothing
store inside the lobby of the famous Drake Hotel in downtown
Memphis. Guests from around the world would ask
her advice on what silk scarf matched which leather handbag.
"And what about Grandmere? She's classy, too," Amy
continued.
"The classiest," I agreed.
Grandmere used to be a seamstress when she lived in
Paris. At only fourteen years of age she sewed clothes for
Coco Chanel. Grandmere had an autographed photo of the
famous designer framed in silver on her bedroom dresser. I
adored Amy's grandmere so much I pretended she was my
grandmother, too. Amy knew I was enamored with the
three captivating women who filled her house with their
lacy laughter. They always welcomed me with a kiss on
each cheek and offered me something to eat.
At my house, five boisterous men filled the air with the
scent of smelly socks, and after-school treats were unheard
of. If Amy came over, and we were absolutely starving, we
could eat an apple or a banana before dinner. That is, if my
monkey brothers hadn't cleaned out the fruit bowl before
Amy and I arrived. My mother, by Amy's confidential
assessment, would have made a good pilgrim if she had
only been born before the Mayflower sailed.
The crazy thing is that Amy said she liked going to my
house as much as I liked going to hers. That was incredible
to me. She liked being around my brothers. Amy's father
left when she was three. I knew she had long held out the
hope that her father would one day step back into her life.
But he never returned. My brothers seemed to fill that loss
of male camaraderie in a roundabout way. They taught
Amy to play baseball and laughed at what they called her
"prissy manners." She loved it whenever one of them
chased us with the garden hose.
At Amy's house we sat on velvet-cushioned chairs and
learned how to stitch lavender lace sachets for our underwear
drawers. At my house we dug up worms for the end
of my brothers' fishing hooks. I guess in many ways we
both needed each other. While my life provided Amy with
roots in the richness of this good earth, she was offering me
butterfly wings to soar above it all.
According to Amy, Paris was the nonnegotiable starting
point for our flights of fancy. All a young woman like
myself needed was to stroll under the Arch of Triumph or
saunter past the Eiffel Tower with a well-groomed poodle
on the end of a pink leather leash, and I would be transformed
into a stunning debutante.
Amy was the one who could make all that happen for
me. My part was to simply keep my promise to always be
there for her.
"So?" Amy challenged me that night under the ruffled
canopy. "Do you promise to go to Paris with me before we
have babies and get married?"
"Okay, I'll go to Paris with you. But, Amy, we have to
be married first before we can have babies." I lifted my
feathery blond hair off my perspiring neck and added
with an air of authority, "That's how it works."
"What do you mean? That's how what works?"
"First you get married, and then a baby grows inside
you."
"You don't have to be married for that to happen."
"Yes, you do."
Amy tilted her head and looked at me. "Lisa, you don't
know how it really happens, do you?"
"How what happens?"
"How a baby gets inside its mother."
"Of course I know."
"Okay, then tell me."
"Well . it . actually, nobody really knows how a baby
gets in there. It's a miracle. The miracle of life."
Amy let out a low, "Ooh la la."
"What?"
"Come here. Sit next to me, Lisa."
"Why?"
"Because I have something to tell you, and if you don't
sit beside me and watch my face the whole time, you're
going to think I'm making this up."
With her shoulders back and chin forward, my all-knowing
friend revealed to me the specifics of one of life's
great mysteries. I believed every word. I had no reason to
doubt that Amy would always tell me the truth.
As I look back, I don't think I blamed my mother for
avoiding the details that Amy so willingly gave me that
night. As a matter of fact, I've always treasured that Amy
was the one who told me the truth about where babies
come from. Such stunning information is best delivered
eye to eye, and that conversational style had never been
one of my mother's strong points.
I wondered how Amy knew so much. I remember
thinking it might have something to do with the church
she, her mother, and Grandmere attended faithfully every
Sunday morning. They left the house wearing lace doilies
on their heads, carrying strings of wooden beads, and
walked the four blocks to St. Augustine's with a peaceful
solemnity.
Sometimes our family would drive past them on our
way to the largest church in town. My mother would cluck
her tongue, and my father would honk the horn and wave
at them. I always wondered what kinds of secrets about the
mysteries of life they were telling Amy inside that fancy
church.
At our church, we got the gospel every Sunday, and it
never seemed like extraordinary information to me. Amy
said they lit candles at her church. We didn't have mystifying
things like that at our church. All we had was a
baptismal tub with a drain in the floor behind the choir
loft. Sometimes the drain would glug at unexpected times,
and my brothers would make rude faces at each other and
try not to laugh.
Our family always sat five rows back on the left. Each
of us had our own Bible, and whenever Pastor Mason
would step to the pulpit and say, "Open your Bibles with
me to ." my brothers would vigorously compete to see
who could be the first to find the right page.
One time Will turned the pages so fast he ripped 1
John right down the middle. My father leaned over and
swatted him upside the head. I was so embarrassed I
started to cry. My mother took me by the hand and led me
to the restroom where I received a firm swat on the bottom
for "acting up in church."
After that I volunteered to help in the church nursery
and discovered that no one thinks you're acting up if
you're playing with the babies.
My church experience improved when I reached junior
high because we had youth rallies and sports nights at
which my brothers always dominated the playing field.
Amy came with me all the time and told me how much
better my church was than hers because we could play basketball
in the parking lot and we had guitar music. Plus all
of our songs were in English.
I never visited Amy's church because my parents forbade
it. I never understood what they were afraid of. But
then, I didn't understand why Amy always ate fish sticks
on Fridays, either. My mother was pleased whenever I said
Amy was coming to a church activity with me. She didn't
know that Amy was coming because we had cuter boys at
our church.
Amy's first kiss was behind the closet door in the choir
room with one of my brothers' friends. She was thirteen.
When she came and found me in the church kitchen, I was
helping make popcorn for the youth event going on in the
fellowship hall, which is where Amy was supposed to have
been, hearing the gospel.
As soon as she told me, I grabbed her by the elbow,
took her down the hallway, and said, "You listen to me,
Amelie Jeanette DuPree. You are not going to get a bad reputation
around here. Don't you ever go off like that again
and kiss any other boy at this church! Do you understand
me?"
She was so mad at me she called her mother to come
pick her up.
Two days later Amy walked over to my house with a
bandanna on her head. She came up to my small bedroom
that had pictures of kittens and horses pinned to the wall.
We closed the door and whispered so no one would hear us.
"Promise me, Lisa! Promise me you won't let me ruin
my reputation," she said tearfully.
"I promise, Amy."
After that, Amy was sparing with her kisses, but she
didn't stop her systematic development of a new crush on
each of the boys in our class. The longest crush was the
one she had on Charlie Neusman. He never responded in
kind, and I always thought that bothered her, even though
she didn't talk about it.
That's the only explanation I could find for the way
Amy acted after Charlie asked me to the prom. He was my
first date. The prom was my first dance. It took three days
of pleading and discussing before I could persuade my parents
to let me go with Charlie.
When I told Amy, she said she was happy for me. The
next day she turned strangely quiet. The remaining few
weeks of our senior year played themselves out, and she
stayed away, always giving me what sounded like reasonable
excuses for her disassociation with me and everyone
else in my family. I kept waiting for Amy's tempo toward
me to change the way the big mood ring she wore on her
thumb changed every few hours.
Yet Amy didn't change.
I finally asked if she still had a crush on Charlie or if
she wished he had asked her to the prom instead, and she
said no. I couldn't think of any other reason she would be
mad at me.
At graduation we hugged, and Amy whispered in my
ear, "I'm sorry. I'll never forget you, Lisa Marie."
I thought it was a strange thing to say. What was even
stranger was the way she couldn't find time to get together
and do things the way we did every summer. But we both
had summer jobs that kept us busy, and soon Amy and I
had drifted apart. She went to college in Kentucky. I stayed
home and went to community college in Memphis.
We didn't speak to each other for almost eight years.
Those were fumbling years for me. I went from being
the small dot at the end of a long exclamation mark at our
house to being a mere speck of a life that could easily be
brushed away. I wanted to prove to the world that I was
strong. I was woman. I roared! But no one was close
enough to hear me.
That is, until Amy rolled back into my life, stretched
out on a hospital bed with her abdomen rising under the
tight sheet like the dome of a package of Jiffy Pop popcorn.
(Continues.)