Chapter One
"If I'm Such a Great
Christian, Why Do I Have
This Problem?"
Discovering We Are Not Alone
* * *
Have you ever thought how infectious fear can be? It
spreads from one person to another more quickly and
certainly than any of the fevers we know so well.
AMY CARMICHAEL
You Are My Hiding Place
"I can't do this! I don't want to do this! I don't want to be here! I think
it is totally irrational to spend all this money to terrorize myself and
risk possible injury that could keep me from functioning properly for weeks
come!" My words tumbled out frantically, mingled with stifled sobs.
My husband worked quietly, but steadily, as he continued to tighten my
rented ski boots in preparation for what I knew was the inevitable experience
just ahead. Then, with uncharacteristic candor, he looked me in the
eyes and said, "You're afraid. So what? What's the worst thing that could
happen? You might fall down and you'd have to get up again."
Now I was angry. He didn't understand. Fear was a subject I knew too
well. A virus I had transferred to others. A paralyzing emotion I sometimes
denied but always had to face. Why couldn't he understand the depth of my fear?
We had lived in Michigan for years, within easy driving distance of
numerous ski resorts. Every winter it always turned cold and snowy .
and every winter I went into hibernation until the first breath of spring.
Skiing was for people who lived "on the edge," I convinced myself. It
was a sport for people who did not value straight noses and unbroken bones.
It was for those who thrived on adrenaline for stimulation-instead of honest
work in a legitimate vocation.
But our teenage son had requested downhill skis for Christmas, and we
decided to treat him to a New Year's weekend at Shanty Creek Ski Lodge. From
the moment he took his first trip down the hill, he was hooked. By the second
day his skis were gliding down Schuss Mountain with precise accuracy, and it
was hard to get him to take breaks for meals. He had discovered his sport!
Halfway through the weekend my husband, Gene, said, "Honey, Jason
loves skiing. He's our only child. He will probably marry a woman who
likes this sport. We may spend many future vacation weekends in ski
lodges. If you want to spend time with your family, you have a choice: You
can sit in the lodge drinking hot chocolate by the fire for the rest of your
life, or you can conquer this phobia."
He was right. I hate it when he's right, especially when I have to admit
it. Besides, I had already gained my seven extra Christmas pounds, and the
prospects of that hot chocolate increasing the diameter of my thighs whilethey were getting exercise did not create a desirable image. I reluctantly
yielded to his suggestion and registered for a ski lesson.
Gene finished tightening my boots, then he carefully helped me balance
as I moved in the direction of the bunny hill. I found myself wondering how
many people had died on that hill-or worse yet, how many were permanently
maimed?
He softened a bit. "Carol, I heard a speaker recently who said, 'There
are only two fears we are born with: falling and loud noises. All the rest are
learned or acquired.' I know you can conquer this fear!"
THE PROBLEM DEFINED
I was afraid of falling, all right. But my fear went deeper than that. His words
reverberated in my mind: "all the rest are learned or acquired." Where did fear
come from? How did it get so powerful? Why did it immobilize so many
people? What was the origin of this monster anyway? And most of all, why did
it continue to plague me? After all, I had been a Christian for many years. I was
a leader. A speaker. An author. A wife. A mom. An educated, hardworking
woman who believed the Bible and loved God. Why did I still have this problem?
Fear is one of our oldest and deadliest enemies. It causes illness, stifles
creativity, prevents love, destroys families, depletes energy, feeds addictions,
and holds people in bondage. For many women, fear is an unwanted, constant
companion. In the middle of watching the destructive force of fear,
sometimes we forget there's a positive side to fear as well.
Webster tells us fear is any one of several responses: "(1) anxiety and
agitation caused by the presence of danger, evil, or pain; dread, fright; (2)
awe, reverence; (3) a feeling of uneasiness, anxiety, concern."
That definition is helpful, but even more insight comes when we
investigate fear as a verb: "(1) to be afraid of, to dread" (I can identify
with that!); "(2) to feel reverence or awe for" (I certainly fear God in that
way!); "(3) to expect with misgiving . to feel fear . to be uneasy or
anxious." (Now that's a definition I can relate to.) And that's what this
book is all about!
UNDERSTANDING THE UNDERLYING
TYPES OF FEAR
There are basically three types of fear: "holy" fear, "self-preserving" fear,
and "slavish" fear. The first comes from our reverence for and awe of the
God who created us and loves us. The second has everything to do with the
God-given instinct to run from danger, avert an accident, or protect ourselves
and those we love. This "wise" form of fear causes us to take responsibility
for ourselves and others. It motivates us to teach our children to
look both ways before crossing the street and to use caution on a bicycle.
This book, however, is about "slavish" fear-the negative type that
kills expressions of love, plugs lines of communication, imprisons victims
of abuse, taunts with ridiculous phobias, controls by manipulation, and
erodes all confidence and security. Wise, self-preserving fear shifts into slavish
fear when it becomes obsessive and controlling. When a child reaches an
age of maturity, and a parent prevents the development of natural independence
by immobilizing him or her with fears that are not based on reality,
slavish fear takes over. When a sport as regulated and exhilarating as
downhill snow skiing paralyzes me because of a twenty-year-old memory
of one bad experience, I am allowing myself to be victimized by fear.
Boiled down to the bottom line, the negative aspect of fear is a problem
of (1) focus and (2) self-reliance. It all began in the Garden of Eden. Adam
and Eve had known a perfect relationship with God. They knew Him as
their creator, companion, teacher, and friend. At that time in history the
only fear present was absolutely holy. There was purity in God's relationship
with Adam and Eve.
After Adam and Eve disobeyed God, a change occurred. With no
instruction, Adam had an instant awareness of slavish fear. When God
called, Adam responded, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid
because I was naked; so I hid" (Genesis 3:10, NIV). Instead of rushing to be
with his best friend, Adam was now doubting his position, fearful of not
being accepted, and hiding in the bushes.
The false roots of Adam's fear are still with us today. God had always
been there for him, but self-reliance kept him from asking for help:
* Adam feared abandonment, yet he chose to abandon the One he
needed the most.
* He was ashamed of revealing who he really was, yet needed to be
honest with God to learn how to live in a sinful world.
* He made himself lonely because he feared rejection.
* He gave in to temptation and felt unforgiven and afraid.
When sin entered the human race, Adam's focus was taken off God.Self-reliance (and let's add self-preservation) kicked in, and Adam was running
and hiding. (Okay. I admit it. Eve had the problem too.) And today
we're still doing the same thing-running and hiding! Adam's response is
a lot like mine.
Slavish fear is a natural consequence of self-reliance. Sometimes "helping
myself out and doing my best in the middle of my fears" keeps me from
admitting that sin and self-reliance are the same thing. Trusting in "self" as
Adam did leads to shame, slavery, obsessive, controlling behavior, and thick
walls of self-protection. It becomes a learned cycle that is hard to break.
Running. Hiding. Protecting myself. As Proverbs tells us, "The wicked
are edgy with guilt, ready to run off even when no one's after them; Honest
people are relaxed and confident, bold as lions" (28:1). All this sometimes
seems complicated to me, because when I'm afraid and choosing "run and
hide" behavior, I'm usually not telling myself, "Well, I'm emotionally running
away from God right now, so that's why I'm feeling this overwhelming
terror. It's just a problem of focus and self-reliance that I learned from Adam
and Eve. I'll just change my direction."
When God asked Adam whether or not he had eaten from the forbidden
tree, Adam immediately began to hurl blame in Eve's direction-a tactic
I often use myself! When I'm afraid, I want to blame someone else for
the problem. "The man said, 'The Woman you gave me as a companion, she
gave me fruit from the tree, and, yes, I ate it'" (Genesis 3:12). When we are
afraid and looking for someone to blame, our self-preservation kicks in,
and we often hurl it (as Adam did) in a variety of ways.
Fear is complicated. Like Adam and Eve, sometimes we hurl blame and
other times we emotionally run from God by conveniently "forgetting" past
abuse that so deeply needs His healing. Or we lose ourselves in perfectionism.
Perhaps we form codependent relationships with friends or relatives.
Our running keeps us from revealing our doubts about God's love . or at
times, the very existence of God. We dismiss prison-like phobias as "little
hang-ups." We rarely reveal the true magnitude of our fear to other human
beings. They might think we are weak.
Most of us have never thought much about where our fear came from
or how it developed. What we do know is that it's a monster we live with,
an emotion that's sometimes out of control. Our fear is an undesired and
uninvited guest that invades the inner sanctums of our lives and establishes
residency.
When fear invades, it comes with a customized wardrobe of disguises.
So, for many of us, recognizing fear in its many forms is a lifetime
struggle. Dealing with that fear once we've recognized it is a much
greater challenge.
Fear is subtle and has many hidden forms. Attractive forms. Productive
aspects. Admirable faces. Like someone dressing up for a costume party,
fear can appear glamorous; the outside looks flawless, but the inside is rotting.
Hurting. Hidden. Sick. Running. Dishonest. The person is masquerading
as "healthy," but beneath her facade she is terminally ill.
If you picked up this book because the title caught your eye, that person
might be you. Or it could be your friend, your sister, your mother, your
neighbor, or your coworker. One thing you can't escape: You do know this
person. And therefore you are responsible to do something. But what?
A POSITIVE SIDE TO FEAR?
Until recently, I never saw any personal benefits connected to fear. The disadvantages
always seemed so obvious. I know women who are trapped in
a web of spine-weakening and spirit-breaking fears. At times, I am one of
those women. Some of the negative conditions fear produces are apprehension,
anxiety, low productivity, loss of vitality and serenity, intimidation,
paralysis, resentment, rage, and obsessive self-protection.
The plus side of all of this is that there are positive conditions fear can
lead us to: awe, adrenaline, humility, a shift of focus from finite to infinite
power. When I give myself permission to see the positive aspects of fear, I
get a totally new focus on the potential of this powerful emotion. Fear is
often viewed as a roadblock to happiness, an insurmountable obstacle on
the road to success and fulfillment. In this book we will learn techniques for
taming fear, for turning it into appropriate power, positive action, and love.
Peter McWilliams' words remind us of the benefit of fear: "Fear provides
the energy to do your best in a new situation. When you're afraid,
your senses sharpen, your eyes narrow, you have more adrenaline, more
precise focus, more energy. You are more aware."
FIVE FORMS OF FEAR
Before we talk about the solution, we need to identify slavish fear in its
many forms. I have asked women all over the United States and Canada
what their fears are. Their answers have convinced me that geographical
location, economic background, educational credentials, denominational
affiliation, and strength of personality make little difference in the intensity
of fear.
All of us have experienced the paralyzing grip of this emotion we
would rather live without! The comforting factor I've discovered is that we
are not alone. Here are the categories of fear that women have described to
me repeatedly.
The Fear of Things That Haven't Happened . Yet!
Fear 1: Paralyzing Phobias
Cheryl was a basket case. She was afraid of everything. If someone shook
her hand, she knew she'd get a disease. If we were in a crowded room, she
couldn't breathe. If we were at the beach, she didn't swim. She had phobias
to go along with situations most people never dreamed could happen.
Irrational panic was her constant companion-and Cheryl seemed to need
a baby-sitter more than a friend.
Fear 2: Potential Disasters
Diana's husband was an hour late for dinner. With every passing
minute her anxiety increased. There had been layoffs at his plant. At
first factory positions were cut, and now the management team was
being streamlined. A meeting was set up for that afternoon and more
cuts would be discussed. What if he lost his job? How could they pay
the mortgage payment? And what about the children's college tuition?
What would they do? As the clock continued to mark the passing of
time, she was sure he had received a pink slip. Her head pounded.
Much of Diana's life was consumed with what she knew were "legitimate"
fears of negative things that might happen to someone in her
family.
The Fear of Being Vulnerable
Fear 3: Losing Control
Kathy was greatly respected. She was the hardest-working committee
member on the retreat staff. When she accepted a job, it was done correctly
and quickly. Her motto seemed to be, "If it's worth doing, it's worth
doing right!" Her house was immaculate. Her children were clean and
well-behaved.
Continues.
