Introduction
"As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be
fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."
Vince
"Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make
me a sandwich."
John
I am a thirty-seven-year-old man who has seen quite a bit in
life, and I can offer this to your search for how to
treat a man. We are men, not dumb-dumbs, psychics, or one bit
unromantic. We need only clear communication, appreciation,
honest love, and respect. This will be repaid by laying the
moon and stars at your feet for your pleasure. There is no
need to 'work' a man to get what you want. We live to take
care of a wife, family, and home. Just remember that we are
men, and know that our needs are simple but not to be ignored.
A good man is hard to find, not to keep."
Dan
"A good man is hard to find, not to keep." That sentence
should really make you stop and think. As a radio talk-show
host/psychotherapist, I've got to tell you how remarkably true
and sad it is that so many women struggle to hold on to some
jerk, keep giving an abusive or philandering man yet another
chance, have unprotected sex with some guy while barely
knowing his last name, agree to shack up and risk making
babies with some opportunist or loser, all in a pathetic
version of a pursuit for love, but will resent the hell out of
treating a decent, hardworking, caring husband with the
thoughtfulness, attention, respect, and affection he needs to
be content.
It boggles my mind.
What further puts me in boggle overdrive is how seemingly
oblivious and insensitive many women are to how destructive
they are being to their men and consequently to their
marriages. Women will call me asking me if it's alright to go
off on extended vacations "without him" when they want some
freedom or R&R, or if it's okay to cut him off from sex
because they're annoyed about something or just too tired from
their busy day, or if they really have to make him a dinner
when he gets home from work because it's just too tedious to
plan meals, or if it's okay to keep stuff from him (like
family or financial issues) because his input is unnecessary,
or if they're really obligated to spend time with his family
(in-laws or stepkids), or if they really have to show interest
in his hobbies when they're bored silly by them, or - well,
you get the idea.
Let me relate the specific call that prompted me to write this
book. Annette is thirty-five, her husband is thirty-nine, and
they have a one-year-old son. She is a stay-at-home mom who
just doesn't enjoy cooking and doesn't feel it's useful to
spend a lot of time doing it. She called wondering if that was
detrimental or not to her child. Right away I was alerted to
her lack of concern about the needs or desires of her husband
- you know, the guy who slays dragons for her and their child
every day. In order to really get a feel for this caller,
you'll have to imagine the completely hostile and disdainful
manner in which she spoke.
Dr. Laura: What do you do for food?
Annette: We eat peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
Dr. Laura: That's not healthy three times a day.
Annette: No, he's [the child] not eating it three times a day.
Dr. Laura: What do you eat for dinner?
Annette: Well, he's still breast-feeding at one year old.
Dr. Laura: What do the adults in your house eat for dinner?
Annette: My husband might eat beef enchiladas from the
freezer, and I might eat cereal or cottage cheese. My husband
doesn't much like what I cook.
Dr. Laura: That's not really a balanced, healthy diet. Are you
intentionally making awful things that he won't eat or is he
some kind of ogre?
Annette: (Sarcastically) No, I'm just not a good cook. [What
you can't read is her disdainful, hostile tone.]
Dr. Laura: Okay, Annette, being a better cook is easy to come
by. All you do is take a class or get a book of recipes. I
wonder if you're intentionally undermining his enjoyment of a
home-cooked meal so that you simply don't have to do it. Let
me tell you what is detrimental to your child. Dinnertime
turns out to be one of the most important functions of a
family in terms of a child bonding with parents, their ability
to communicate and feel close to their parents - all of which
supports their self-esteem.
The dinner table is a most important aspect of that bonding.
That is the routine time when the family sits down, says their
prayers, and spends that pleasant time enjoying their meal
together and talking. So, if that means you have to do what
you don't like, so be it. Or did you plan to teach your son
that when he doesn't enjoy something, he doesn't have to do it
at all, or he doesn't have to do it right? In which case you
are going to have a child growing up to be a monster.
There are a lot of things we all don't enjoy doing, but they
are part of the rigor of life and they are a part of our
obligations in our various roles. To be people of integrity,
we have to follow through whether or not we enjoy something.
So, if you are at home, I think it is important for you to
make the effort to prepare pleasant dinners because I think
that's part of the joy and comfort for your family. Put in the
effort. If your husband can eat frozen, prepackaged Mexican
food, with all those spices, it means he has a pretty
open-minded stomach - so you must be going far out of your
way to mess with him.
I don't understand that hostility, especially from a woman who
has a one-year-old child. The ability for you to maintain a
safe and nurturing home for that child largely depends on the
quality and existence of your marriage. I'd expect you to make
more of an effort. Most of the women who complain that they
are not getting what they want from their husbands should stop
and look at how disrespectful and disdainful they are of them.
They should also look at what they put their time and energy
into at the expense of him and their marriage. It would be a
stunner for them to realize that they try harder to impress
strangers than they try to impress the person who is supposed
to be the most important to them. As one listener, Gary, says:
"A husband is like a horse. At the end of the day he is
usually rode hard and put away sweaty. Like in the movies, if
his master drives and beats him, he'll go just so far before
bucking and rebelling.
If you love him, if you coax him, he'll drive himself till his
heart explodes before he will let down his master. He'll give
himself to death for the one he loves.
Which way should women handle a man?"
I have never gotten a complaint from a male listener in
twenty-five years on the radio over my assertion that men are
very simple creatures. They agree. I have explained time and
again on my radio program that men are borne of women and
spend the rest of their lives yearning for a woman's
acceptance and approval. Unless you've got a man with a frank
mental or personality disorder (the exception, not the rule),
men admittedly are putty in the hands of a woman they love.
Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food,
and good lovin', and he'll do just about anything you wish - foolish
or not.
With one particular caller, Sandy, I pushed this agenda
through to a successful conclusion - but not without a lot of
sweat on my part and resistance on Sandy's part.
Sandy: My husband and I have a horrible relationship.
Dr. Laura: And why is that, I wonder.
Sandy: He says I'm too headstrong . but I think we are
both too headstrong for each other.
Dr. Laura: He says you are too headstrong. And what does that
mean? Sandy: He always tells me I like to take over situations
- that I like to control situations and that I go around him
when we should discuss these things together. I just go ahead
and do it myself.
Dr. Laura: So, why do you do that?
Sa
(Continues.)
