Chapter One
What's Going On?You are the other part of me
I am the other part of you.
We'll work through
With never a thought of walking out.
Ruth Harms Calkin
It was obvious that Erica was uncomfortable. She usually
liked curling her feet underneath her while
leaning back in a chair and savoring the rich taste of
a mocha. But that day Erica sat stiffly with her arms
crossed, her beverage ignored, looking sullenly out
the window as she thought about my question.
Finally she turned to me with a deep sigh. "Okay, so
you want to know what's going on with Jack and me. Well,
here it is. Every time I look at him-every time I think
about him-I feel sick inside. He's dull and boring and
never wants to do anything but go to work, hang out with
his friends, or watch television. I have to beg him to do
anything around the house, and we constantly fight about
the kids. The only time he talks to me is when he wants sex,
and then he expects me to be ready the minute he wants to
jump in bed."
Erica reached for the familiar comfort of her mocha
before continuing. "I don't know how we got this way, but
I'm lonely. Oh, God, I am so lonely." And then her voice
broke and the tears came.
I (Alice) had known Erica for a long time. We were
casual friends, and we occasionally did a few things
together as couples. But until she called and asked for help,
I had no idea that Erica's marriage was in trouble. We spent
most of the rest of that afternoon together discussing the
tough questions that were haunting her: "Do you think we
ever really loved each other? Who is at fault-me or him?
What happened to the good times? Even though I feel like
walking out, is there any hope for our marriage?"
Facing the Truth
Questions like these are painful and, if you are like most
women, you do all you can to avoid asking them. You
wanted a wonderful marriage, filled with deep and enduring
love. So instead of being completely honest, for a long
time you probably tried to ignore the problems, pretending
everything was okay. Perhaps you thought, I just can't deal
with that right now, with everything else that's going on.
Perhaps you rationalized that if you minimized your feelings
of hurt and disappointment, they would go away.
But the truth is, it is very rare for relationship problems
to take care of themselves. Usually the longer you defer
acknowledging what is really happening, the more discontentment
grows and the more the pain you wanted to avoid
deepens. Not tending to marital problems is like not tending
to weeds in your garden. When ignored, they can choke
out much that is beautiful and good and leave you asking,
like Erica, "Is there any hope?"
You probably know that it is important for a husband
and wife to talk regularly about the vitality of their marriage
and to find out what each one is doing (or not doing)
that causes hurt or disappointment to the other. But you
may well be at a point that you don't even know how to
start such a discussion-or you may feel certain that your
partner would never participate. Lack of such communication,
in fact, may be part of your pain and frustration in
marriage. So we suggest you start somewhere else-with an
honest self-evaluation.
As important as it is for a couple to honestly discuss
their relationship together, it is equally important for you
as a woman to individually look at your own feelings and
thoughts. You need to know if you are moving toward your
husband, away from him, or against him.
Check Your Symptoms
The checklist on the next page contains twenty thoughts,
feelings, and actions that will help you assess whether or
not you are in danger of becoming a walk-out woman.
We encourage you to answer as honestly as you can,
checking the symptoms you have experienced during the
last few months. If the symptom occurs frequently, put in
two checks.
Keep in mind that some of these symptoms may be
caused by circumstances other than your marriage relationship-the
death of a family member, moving to a new
town, financial reversals, loss of a close friend, career
changes, health problems, an empty nest, new goals, or
something else. Obviously, if this is true, you should adjust
your answers. But be careful of the tendency to rationalize
or explain away your unhappiness. If you really think that
a symptom is due to your marriage relationship, check it.
Are You in Danger of Walking Away?
Check each symptom that you have routinely experienced over
the past few months.
Irritation with your husband over trivial matters.
Feeling bored, or craving something new and exciting.
A strong desire to escape and get away from it all.
Loss of energy; feeling tired and worn out.
Acting moody and withdrawn around home.
Complaining that your husband spends too much
time working or watching television.
Wanting to begin a career, change jobs, go to school,
or move into a new house.
Feeling that most conversations with your husband
are shallow, angry, or empty.
Loss of sexual desire for your husband or feeling
that he has lost his desire for you.
Desire to change your image (trendy clothes, change
in hair color, weight loss, breast augmentation or
other cosmetic surgery).
Discovering new friends and avoiding old friends
with spiritual values.
General dissatisfaction with and growing resentment
toward your husband.
Feeling misunderstood and lonely.
Feeling drawn to men who show any form of attention.
Imagining what it would be like if you were not married.
Tempted by addictive behavior (alcohol, drugs,
excess spending, overeating, overexercising, Internet
chat rooms, gambling).
Sadness about unfulfilled dreams, goals, and
expectations.
Feeling distant from God and bored or dissatisfied
with church.
Being nicer, kinder, and more patient to others than
to your husband.
Spontaneous tearfulness for no apparent reason.
Count the number of boxes you have checked. (If you
have double-checked an item, count it only once here, but
pay special attention to that item.)
If you checked . Your marriage risk is probably .
1-6 Mild to moderate-be careful.
7-12 Serious-need to make some changes.
13-20 Severe-get help now!
When you've finished the checklist, look at your
answers. A few check marks are probably no cause for
alarm, although they could be an early warning of problems
to be solved. But the more items you checked, the
more danger there is for your marriage.
Remember that relationship problems, if left unattended,
usually continue to grow. Pain and frustration in
your marriage can cause you to close your heart tighter and
tighter. Your husband may not know this is happening, and
you may not even be completely aware of it.
When couples come to me (Steve) for counseling, I
sometimes demonstrate this closing of the heart and emotions
by standing up and opening my office door. Then I
begin closing the door slowly. Just before it shuts, I pause a
moment and then slam it shut completely. The couples
jump, but they usually get the message-that it's better to
do something before the door slams shut.
The Door Is Still Open
I often ask women who come to me for counseling to read
the twenty symptoms and tell me how the list relates to
how they feel about their marriage. After one client finished,
she had tears spilling out her eyes, running down her
cheeks, and dropping off her chin like soft beads. "This is
my life," she sobbed. "Every one of your warning signs
belongs to me."
As bad as it seemed for the moment, I had good news for
her. Because she still cared enough to seek help, it was not
too late for her marriage. The same is true for you, whether
you checked one or all twenty of the symptoms. The simple
fact that you are reading this book tells us that you still care
about your marriage, that your heart has not yet slammed
shut. We believe that if there is even a tiny flicker of caring-no
matter how dim or distant-there is still hope.
You may think it will take a miracle. And that may be true.
But we serve a God of miracles. As the prophet Isaiah once
wrote, "He has sent Me to . comfort all who mourn . to
give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the
garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."
That is what God can do for your marriage. He can
bring beauty out of the ashes of your own pain and disillusionment.
But you have to participate in the process.
How do you participate? We are going to ask you to do
two simple things for the next three months. Two things
only. And for just three months.
First, we'd like you to commit to pray for your husband
for fifteen minutes every day.
Second, with the help of a trusted friend or mentor,
we'd like you to commit yourself wholeheartedly to work
on your marriage by thoroughly digesting this book. In that
time, we'd like you to refrain from any discussion or consideration
of either divorce or separation.
We are well aware that you might feel reluctant or incapable
of managing even these two steps. If so, we ask you
to at least read chapter 3, which will help you understand
why your husband isn't responding to your needs, and
chapter 6, which talks about the heartbreak of divorce.
After reading those chapters, you may agree that these are
reasonable, even minimal, requests.
If you're worried that you can't pray for just your husband
for fifteen minutes every day, there are resources
available to help you. Some of our favorites are listed in the
back of this book. (We strongly recommend Stormie
Omartian's book The Power of a Praying Wife.) Some
women like to use their favorite books on prayer and adapt
the prayers for marriage. Another idea is to take your
favorite promises from Scripture and rewrite them in your
journal as prayers for your marriage. Even the simple
process of putting your prayers down on paper can help
you focus enough to keep your prayer commitment.
In addition to praying daily, it is vital that you meet at
least once a week during the next three months with a
trusted friend or mentor who will support you and hold
you accountable as you work through this book. Be sure
this person is not predisposed to judgment, is full of grace
and forgiveness, able and willing to keep your situation
confidential, and willing to speak the truth in love. Even
though you will probably read this book through more
quickly, during your weekly meetings you can use it to
focus on solutions that you relate to the most. The section
called "Something to Try" at the end of each chapter and
the section at the end of the book titled "Coming
Alongside" might be helpful for launching conversation.
No matter how busy your schedule, make these times a
top priority. If you have young children, you know how
distracting they can be, so try to meet while they are in
school or make arrangements for someone to watch them
for an hour or so.
Do I Need to See a Professional?
If you have a great number of the symptoms, if you cannot
find a friend you trust, or if you can't even bring yourself at
this point to commit three months to your marriage, you
may well want to consider seeking perspective from a
trained marriage counselor. There are also some specific difficult
situations that require immediate help and careful
guidance. We call them the "four As":
* Abandonment * Addictions
* Abuse * Adultery
If you or your husband is struggling with any of these
four circumstances, our hearts go out to you. We know
there are no easy solutions for these situations, which are
not only agonizing, but also complicated. Addictions, for
example, are not limited just to drugs and alcohol, but
include other obsessions like overspending, gambling, and
pornography. With adultery, most people think of a physical
affair, but adultery can also mean getting involved at a
deep and intimate emotional level. Certainly in our electronic
age, Internet affairs can be a real problem.
Abandonment is obvious when one of you actually packs
his bags, but what about when a spouse is there but not
there? It is also difficult to define a constant pattern of
abuse. You and your children may not be in actual physical
danger, but frequent threats or intimidation can put you in
a constant state of fear.
We will address the four As again in chapter 7 and talk
specifically about affairs in chapter 14. But because these
situations are so complex, we believe they call for the help
of a trained professional. We encourage you and pray that
you will seek such help even if your husband refuses to go
with you. Please don't let fear, pride, embarrassment, or
worry about finances keep you from it. (Many agencies and
offices offer sliding-scale fees to help cover what you cannot
afford.)
To find a professional counselor, we suggest you ask for
recommendations from your pastor or from other women
who have had successful counseling experiences. If you are
not satisfied with a particular counselor or are having trouble
"connecting" with him or her, don't give up on the process
altogether. Try someone else, just as you might do if you
didn't have confidence in a medical doctor. At the bottom
of this page we have included a list of questions you might
use to interview a counselor before your first appointment.
Their purpose is to give you a general sense of who the
counselor is and whether or not the two of you are a good
fit. Feel free to ask your own questions as well. It is important
that you feel that the person giving you counsel is
trustworthy and confident and embraces the same values
that God has placed deep within your heart.
Questions to Ask Your Counselor
* What is your educational background?
* What are your specialty areas?
* How much experience do you have in these areas?
* What is your success rate?
* What is your general approach in working with
problems?
* What makes you a good counselor?
* How are you involved in your church?
* How does your faith affect your counseling?
* If married, how would you describe your relationship?
* What is your fee schedule?
* What kind of payment arrangements are available?
Looking Ahead
Just yesterday, I (Steve) talked to one of my clients who had
walked away from her marriage. She and her husband have
been back together now for about a month. She said, "I
have made some changes, and he has made some changes.
Continues.
