Chapter One
LOVE, MARRIAGE, AND SEX
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One of the most oft-quoted myths about marriage must be, "They
lived happily ever after." Does anybody really believe that? Even in the
best of marriages, questions arise, problems occur, and conflicts happen.
The real question is, "What do we do when these skirmishes threaten to escalate
into all-out wars that can drive permanent wedges between marriage partners?"
The answers, of course, are in God's Word.
As you will discover in this section, the questions of many modern couples tend
to be quite intimate. In a society inundated by sensual imagery, where even some
Christians wonder whether monogamy is a realistic long-term relationship, many of
our questions in this section deal with legitimate and illegitimate sexual expressions.
Whether you are a senior citizen or a youthful newlywed, it is important to
regard marriage and the sexual relationship as sacred, something that God designed
to be the most intimate human relationship a man and a woman will ever know on
earth, a relationship in which the couple is committed exclusively to each other for
life. All sexual expressions between a man and a woman outside of a marriage relationship
are sinful and wrong.
Certainly, that concept has come under vicious attack from many in our midst.
But God's Word has not changed. His standards are still intact. He has written the
best Book of all on marriage, and how it is to be lived out. That's not to say married
love is easy to maintain. Whether you want to rekindle romance in your marriage,
build a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime, conquer incompatibility, overcome
past infidelity and keep your family from falling apart, or any combination of the
above, it will take a great deal of effort and prayer. A good marriage doesn't just happen.
It takes love, patience, time, commitment, and, yes, even
work!
But it is possible to have a great marriage, one that will stand the test of time and
reward you with exquisite joy.
BRINGING HOME THE BACON
My husband has always said that he is the head of the household
because he brings home the larger paycheck. I recently accepted a
job that pays more money than my husband makes. Can I now take
the role as "head of the household"?
Your husband gave you the wrong reason he is the head of the family. His
leadership role is not based on income. He's head of the household because God
gave him that responsibility. In a Christian home, Christ is the head of the husband,
and the husband is the head of the wife. Together, the parents have
authority over the children.
The fact that you now bring home more money than he does is not a determining
factor. Of course, in any marriage, if one of the partners says, "I'm making
more money than you are, so I'm better than you, and you'd better do what I say,"
that is a relationship headed toward trouble!
Married couples are partners; they should be working together toward common
goals decided upon mutually. Certainly, in our society today, with many wives
employed outside the home, maintaining a balanced, mutually satisfying marriage
relationship takes incredible cooperation and patience with each other. Historically,
men were the protectors and the providers, and women were the nurturers in the
family. Men went out and fought the battles, killed the wild animals, and brought
back something to eat. The women stayed at home, taught and cared for the children,
kept the house, and cooked the meals. Eventually, instead of actually killing
something and dragging it home, the man started bringing home a paycheck, by
which be provided for and protected the family. Meanwhile, the wife remained at
home caring for their children and attending to housekeeping matters. It was not a
matter of one spouse being more intelligent or talented than the other. It was simply
a matter of complementary roles.
Today, many women are immersed in the workplace; some because they are
extraordinarily capable, have marketable skills, and want to have a career outside
the home, while others work because they feel they must to help make ends meet.
Regardless, the husband is still the head of a Christian home, and he is to "love his
wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." His role should not
be one of a domineering spirit, but that of a servant leader, willing to lay down his
life for his wife and for his family.
The Bible indicates that the concept of
familyis not simply a convenient institution
created by mankind, but rather has its source in God, the heavenly Father.
God is the head of Christ, and Christ is the head of the church, interceding for His
"family" with the Father. On earth, the husband stands in a similar role with the
family, as the head of his household and serving as a priest to the family. His primary
job is to intercede with the Lord on behalf of the family and to receive directions
from God for his family.
An example of this can be seen in the life of Joseph, the husband of Mary; the
mother of Jesus. Joseph was not the literal father of Jesus Christ, yet God sent His
angelic messenger to him as the head of the household, warning him of impending
danger following the birth of Jesus, instructing them to move to Egypt for a season.
God later sent another message indicating it was safe to return to their homeland?
Interestingly, the directives were issued to Joseph, rather than to Mary.
Clearly, God regarded Joseph as the "priest of the family;" he was the primary conduit
through whom God sent His Word to the family. Mary was not to usurp the
role of her husband, even though she had given birth to the Savior.
When a husband is truly operating as the Spirit-led priest of the family, the wife
is obligated to follow his leadership. Keep in mind, though, that a husband and wife
are to submit to one another.
My wife, Dede, has a strong relationship with the Lord and has been walking
with Him for many years. I value and appreciate her spiritual sensitivities and
insights. When we have a serious decision to make, she and I sit down together to
discuss it. Then we take time to pray about the matter, together and individually,
asking God to speak to us. When we get back together, I'll ask, "What did the Lord
tell you?" and she'll ask the same question of me. Often the Lord will give one or
both of us specific scriptures relating to our prayer, and we apply those biblical
insights to our decision.
As much as possible, my wife and I make our major decisions together. But
occasionally, something will come up that we can't agree on, or possibly a matter
demands an immediate decision. In those cases, I will make those decisions and
take the responsibility before God for them.
Because men are usually more analytical by nature, and women tend to be more
sensitive and intuitive, it has often been said that the man is the head of the household
and the woman is the heart. When the head and the heart are working
together, the relationship can be wonderfully harmonious.
IS IT ME, OR IS IT THE VIAGRA?
My husband just began taking the drug Viagra, and now he can't
seem to keep his hands off me. We've been married for thirty years
and never really had that great a sex life. I can't help but think that
it's not me he's attracted to, but simply the Viagra luring him into the
bedroom. What are your thoughts?
Viagra does not cause sexual desire; it merely enables a man to perform
sexually, especially a man who has previously experienced problems with
impotency or other forms of sexual dysfunction.
It is extremely difficult for a woman to understand the loss of self-esteem
that accompanies erectile dysfunction. To many men, their ability to function
sexually is at the core of their masculinity. When they cannot perform normally,
they become embarrassed, irritated, and their self-esteem dwindles to next to
nothing. All too often, a man with such a problem will begin looking for excuses
to avoid sexual contact with his wife. It's not that he has ceased loving her;
he knows that if he initiates certain activities or expresses affection in certain
ways, his wife will anticipate sexual union, and he simply does not want to find
himself in a potentially humiliating situation. His attitude is, "Why start something
I cannot finish?"
This situation can be brought on by normal loss of testosterone due to aging.
Sometimes excessive stress can cause erectile dysfunction, as can some medical or
emotional problem. Whatever the reason, the resultant lack of sexual intimacy in a
marriage can be extremely frustrating for both partners.
The good news, however, is that thanks to modern medical science, doctors can
now help most men overcome this problem. Start by honestly communicating with
your spouse. Then, together, without embarrassment, take the proper steps to deal
with the situation.
It may well be that your husband has deeply loved you all these years and has
agonized over his inability to express his love for you through sexual intimacy. The
nagging self-doubt may have shown up in other areas of your relationship as well.
But now that medicine is available to help your husband perform sexually, he is
much more confident in lavishing his love and affection on you. He is now enjoying
the relationship with you that he always hoped for but until now has not been
able to consummate. Nevertheless, it is not the Viagra drawing him into the bedroom;
it is his desire for you!
Obviously, your husband still enjoys you, and hopefully, you still enjoy and want
to be with him physically. Rather than fretting, why not enjoy what you may have
been missing over the past thirty years?
NOT ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH SPIRITUALLY
What should a Christian husband do when he and his wife are not
on the same "wavelength" spiritually?
Our research at CBN reveals that Christian couples who pray together
regu-larly rarely get divorced. By "praying together," I do not mean merely
mouthing a few rote prayers before mealtime or bedtime, although those
prayers are important. But couples who stay together over the years are those
who take time to bring everything about their lives before the Lord in prayer-praying
for each other, praying for their children, their children's future mates,
their employment; for spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial needs; for the
church and discovering God's heart for missions and evangelism. Couples who
come before God regularly in that type of prayer eventually get on the same
"wavelength."
Early in Dede's and my marriage, I was seeking more of the Lord, believing that
God wanted to fill me with New Testament power. I was racing forward in my
faith, attempting to drag my wife along with me. Yet we were living with little
money in an extremely poor, downtrodden section of town, and Dede was concerned
about how we were going to survive.
I believed that if we'd seek Him first, God would take care of us. I continued
pressing in with the Lord, asking Him to fill me with His Holy Spirit. When God
met me in answer to my prayer, it was as if I had punched through a spiritual sound
barrier. Dede realized what God was doing in my life and, despite her misgivings,
entered herself into the glorious fullness of God's blessings.
CONFESSING PAST SINS TO A POTENTIAL MATE
I want to go into my marriage (my first and hopefully last) with total
honesty, but how much of my past failures and sins should I tell my
fiancée?
Little or nothing! If you do, you'll be hearing about your past relationships
for years on end. What is in the past is the past. If it's under the blood of
Jesus, don't resurrect it.
If you doubt whether your past sins have been adequately dealt with, confess
them to the Lord one more time, asking His cleansing and forgiveness. But if you
are certain that your sins have been confessed and forgiven, it is a mistake to revisit
that part of your life. Simply acknowledge, "Yes, I have sinned in the past, but
I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to live with my mate in a manner that
is pleasing to God. What is in the past is past." Don't keep digging up garbage; it is
not useful and it is not necessary.
Now, if you sin sexually after you are married or commit some other sin that
directly impacts your marriage, that failure certainly should be confessed to your
partner; but what happened before you were married is over and done with.
If you lived a racy, dissolute life, you needn't provide details. Simply inform your
spouse in general terms, such as, "Honey, when I was younger, I wasn't a saint. I
lived a pretty bad life, and I want you to know that. But I am a different person now,
because of what the Lord has done for me. I love you and am committed exclusively
to you. I want God's guidance in our lives and our marriage to be grounded on His
Word."
In my opinion, if the past is truly behind you, that's all the premarital confession
that is necessary.
CHEATING IN MARRIAGE
I've been cheating on my wife for more than three years. Recently I
repented of my sin. Should I tell my wife about my affairs?
If you've been cheating in your marriage, certainly you have sinned
against God, but you have also sinned against your spouse. It's not good enough
to say, "God has forgiven me, so that's all that is necessary." You need to seek forgiveness
from the offended party.
If you are the person who was sinned against, you must handle the matter with
grace and extend forgiveness to your repentant spouse. Remember, the Lord has
forgiven you of your sins; you have no right to withhold forgiveness from your mate.
God is on the side of redemption; He will help you to save your marriage.
Be kind but firm. Say something such as, "God forgives you, and I forgive you.
But we are not going to continue to live this way; I'm not going to allow you to use
me as a doormat, flagrantly violating our marriage vows. Not to mention the many
sexually transmitted diseases running rampant nowadays-if you continue messing
around, you are going to bring something home to me, and I do not want that to
happen. Yes, I forgive you, but we are going to make some changes around here."
As the husband, even though you have fallen, if you have now repented of your
sin, you are still the head of the household. Your wife is not meant to be your
keeper. Neither is she your personal substitute for the Holy Spirit. You must stand
up and be the man of God in your family. You must establish the new patterns in
your own life and in your marriage that will enhance your relationship with the
Lord and with each other.
But on this one, keep in mind that according to prevailing law, a dog is entitled
to only one bite. If you continue to philander, you are not a fit spouse and your mate
has every reason to leave you.
Continues.
