Chapter One
The T-Shirt ***
It all started with a T-shirt .
A few years ago I was hanging out in the choir room at
the high school where I work part-time. A group of girls
and I were eating our lunches, talking about the day, complimenting
Annie on her cool toenail polish, admiring
Kayla's pink-streaked hair dye, and congratulating Amy on
making the girls' varsity hockey team when in walked Erin,
wearing a blazing pink T-shirt. Across the front it read,
"BOYS ARE STUPID . THROW ROCKS AT THEM."
Everyone laughed at her shirt and started making comments
like,
"Ohmigosh, that is soooo true!"
"Where did you buy that shirt? I want one too!"
"Whoever designed that shirt must know my brother."
"Boys aren't just stupid. They're stupider than stupid."
"What's the problem with boys, anyway?! They are so
annoying."
"I wish I'd had some rocks to throw at Travis during
algebra this morning."
Before long the comments had turned into a heated
conversation about what boys are like, how they act, the
things they do, and the stuff they say. All in all the girls
pretty much ripped the entire male population at their high
school to shreds. They had a million complaints and almost
no compliments. In the end the general consensus was that
Erin's T-shirt spoke the truth, and that even if it wouldn't be
very nice for the girls to actually throw rocks at boys, it sure
was fun imagining what it would be like if they did.
I don't want you to get the wrong impression about
these girls. They're not violent. They're not delinquents.
They don't spend their time in the school detention center.
They don't walk through the school halls looking for someone
to pick a fight with. They've never had to serve an in-school-suspension
for anything more serious than having
too many tardies in one class. And I'm quite sure that
they're not in the habit of throwing rocks at anyone . not
even boys.
They're nice, decent, friendly, typical teenage girls.
And at one time or another most nice, decent, friendly,
typical teenage girls find themselves becoming very frustrated,
confused, and annoyed by typical teenage guys.
That's probably why you're reading this book-to help
you understand guys better.
That day in the high school choir room, while all those
girls were voicing their opinions about boys, I started
thinking about some things.
First, if a boy wore a T-shirt that said "GIRLS ARE
STUPID . THROW ROCKS AT THEM," there'd be a
major scene. The principal would probably tell him he
couldn't wear such a sexist shirt. The girls would all gang
up on him and start lecturing him about being rude and
mean. The female teachers would pull him aside and gently
talk to him about how hurtful and unkind and insensitive
he was being to females. And the boy's mother would probably
send him to his room for a month with no dinner.
Why, then, wasn't Erin treated the same way? Is it possible
that in today's world there's some kind of double standard
that says it's okay for girls to voice their negative opinions
about boys but not the other way around?
Second, since I have three teenage sons whom I happen
to love dearly, even when they drive me nuts, I happen to
think that teen guys are okay. Yes, they're hard to understand
sometimes. Yes, they're annoying sometimes. Yes,
they can be weird, different, and completely wacko sometimes.
But isn't the same thing true of teen girls? Aren't we
all, girls and guys alike, confusing, mysterious, and hard to
figure out sometimes?
Third, it's clear that girls and guys are different (and not
just in the obvious physical ways). If they weren't different,
there wouldn't be so much frustration, so much misunderstanding,
so much teasing and ridicule and making-fun.
There wouldn't be half as many jokes in all the comic strips,
television shows and movies. There wouldn't be so many
different magazines. There wouldn't be words like he, she,
his, and hers. There wouldn't be a guys' section and a girls'
section at Old Navy.
There wouldn't be T-shirts that said,
"BOYS ARE STUPID . THROW ROCKS AT THEM."
The history of how males and females relate to one
another goes way back to the very beginning of time, to the
moment in creation when God made a man and then made
a woman. He didn't make a man and then another man. He
didn't make a woman and then another woman.
He made a man. And then he made a woman. And they
were very different right from the start. First, they were
different because each was a unique individual. Maybe one
liked strawberries, the other grapes. One might have preferred
cats, the other dogs. Maybe he liked sunsets and she
liked sunrises. Who knows? But certainly, they had personalities
that were distinct and uniquely their own. Otherwise,
why would God have created both of them? If they were
intended to be the same, he could have created the man and
then simply cloned him.
Second, since one was a male and one a female, they
were different by virtue of their gender.
Gender is a hot topic in today's world. There are arguments
about what it is, how it develops, and how it affects
individuals. Scientists, anthropologists, and psychologists
have all kinds of opinions about the subject. Some believe
that gender is a real issue. Others believe that gender is
simply a man-made topic. Some believe gender is part of a
person from the time of birth (nature) while others believe it
is determined by how a child is taught and raised (nurture).
So let's start by defining gender. Some people may
define it differently, but for the sake of this book we'll agree
that human gender is a classification based on whether a
person is male or female.
If something has no gender or no defining characteristics,
it is generic. That term is used mostly at the grocery
store when we talk about generic brands, those items that
don't come from a big-name, well-known, quality company.
Name-brand items are often referred to as "the real thing,"
and many people, especially kids, claim that generic brands
don't taste as good as the real thing. In some cases, like
Cheerios(r) and Lucky Charms(r), I'd have to agree.
The same is true of human beings. God made human
beings with different genders because it gives the world
more flavor, more variety, more taste, and more zing. In his
book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge writes, "God doesn't
make generic people; he makes something very distinct-a
man or a woman. In other words, there is a masculine
heart and a feminine heart, which in their own ways reflect
or portray to the world God's heart."
I agree with him. Males and females are distinct.
Masculine and feminine traits are distinct. And they were
both equally created in the image of God.
That's not to say that males have only masculine traits
and females have only feminine traits. Since both of them
reflect the image of God, then both of them are present in
human beings. But males tend to have more masculine
traits, and women tend to have more feminine traits.
Initially, we define a person's gender simply by the
reproductive system. When a baby is born, the first question
people ask is almost always, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
And how does the doctor or the parents know the answer
to the question? Simple: by looking between the baby's
legs. End of discussion.
But gender is so much more than that. If we could see
inside a baby's head at birth to see its brain, we'd probably
be able to tell whether the baby was a boy or a girl. Why?
Because male and female brains are different, even at birth.
If we measured levels of hormones at birth, we'd be able to
tell whether the baby was a boy or a girl. Why? Because
male and female hormone levels are different, even at birth.
You see, being male or female involves so much more than
sexual organs. It involves the entire being . how we
think, how we develop physically, how we communicate,
how we react, and how we behave. You are a female
through and through. That's how God designed you and
made you. And guys are males through and through. That's
how God designed them and made them.
For a very long time, people recognized that there were
differences between the two sexes (we'll talk about the differences
later on). But they didn't stop there. They went on
to say that, because of the differences, only men could and
should do certain things, like becoming doctors, and only
women could and should do certain things, like being
teachers.
The people who believed this were wrong. Different or
not, there is really only one thing that a woman is incapable
of doing-being a dad. And there is really only one
thing that a man is incapable of doing-being a mom.
About 60 years ago the tide shifted. People started saying
that men and women weren't different at all (except for
their reproductive organs). They went on to say that since
they weren't different, then not only could men and women
do the same things, but they also should do the same
things. In other words, there should be an equal number of
male and female soldiers, an equal number of female and
male inventors, an equal amount of absolutely everything.
The people who believed this were wrong again. Just
because men and women are capable of being doctors,
lawyers, teachers, artists, and everything else doesn't mean
that they are the same.
I think it's time for us to find some middle ground,
don't you? I don't want to live in a world that tells me,
"You can't do this because you're a female." Nor do I want
to live in a world that tells me, "You must do this because
you're a female." I want to be the best "me" that I can be.
And I truly believe that guys want the same thing.
They don't want to be told that, because they're male, they
can't cry. Nor do they want to be told that because they're
male, they must be athletic and competitive all the time.
Each guy, just like each girl, is a uniquely designed and
created individual. Each guy, just like each girl, has certain
characteristics that are created in the image of God. Each
guy, just like each girl, is deeply loved by Jesus Christ.
Guys and girls are not only unique as individuals. They
are also unique as a whole group, meaning that guys as a
whole are different in many ways from girls as a whole. And
that's where gender comes in again. Male and female. Both
created by God. Both loved by God. Both pursued by God.
And both different from each other.
Even very young children know this is true. Here are
two lists, one written by a four-year-old boy and the other
by a four-year-old girl, of the top 10 ways that boys and
girls are different. Both of these children are from families
that believe in giving their children all kinds of opportunities.
The little boy was allowed to play with dolls if he
wanted. The little girl was allowed to play with trucks if
she wanted. They weren't told they could only do certain
things because of being a boy or girl. Neither one had been
taught that boys are one way and girls are another.
They were just two typical four-year-olds who had
observed certain things about boys and girls in their short
lives.
TOP 10 WAYS
BOYS ARE DIFFERENT FROM GIRLS Compiled by Linni, age four, Atlanta
1. Boys like to play with trucks more than girls.
2. Boys like to eat more than girls.
3. Boys like dinosaurs more than girls.
4. Boys are bigger than girls.
5. Boys have shorter hair than girls.
6. Boys don't wear dresses.
7. Boys don't wear their coats when it's cold outside.
8. Boys are taller than girls.
9. Boys can be daddies, but girls can't.
10. Boys have tails. [Think about it for a second and
you'll understand!]
TOP 10 WAYS GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT FROM BOYS Compiled by Austen, age four, San Diego
1. Girls wear dresses.
2. Boys wear underwear; girls wear panties.
3. Girls leave the seat down.
4. Girls have long hair.
5. Girls don't play baseball.
6. Girls don't have pee-pees.
7. Daddies have hairy bodies.
8. Girls like dolls.
9. Mommies use makeup instead of shaving cream.
10. Girls scream; boys roar.
Not only are their lists different, but the way they created
their lists was also different. Linni sat at her kitchen table
coloring a picture while dictating her list to her mom. It
only took her a few minutes. Austen, on the other hand,
needed almost four days to put his list together. He was too
busy doing other things, like running through the house
with his cars and trucks. When he finally got to number
four on his list, he ran past his mom while making loud
engine noises and said, "Mom, can't you just do it for me?"
So were Linni and Austen brainwashed by the world to
believe that boys and girls are different? Or were they honest
and childlike enough to recognize and admit what most of
us already know-that boys and girls are, in fact, different?
I don't think they were brainwashed. I think they're
smart. And I think they are lucky to have parents who let
them be who they are. Austen likes trucks. His mom and
dad never said, "Now, Austen, in order to be a well-rounded,
sensitive male you must spend as much time playing with
dolls as with trucks." Linni likes to color. Her mom and dad
never said, "Now, Linni, in order to be a strong, assertive
female you must spend as much time jumping on the furniture
as you do coloring." On the other hand if Austen did
like to play with dolls, his mom and dad wouldn't stop him,
and if Linni liked jumping on the furniture, her mom and
dad wouldn't stop her. Wait . I take that back. They probably
would stop her. But if she liked playing with trucks, they
wouldn't stop her.
All of this is to say that the reason you're reading this
book is not because guys are just like you. If they were,
you wouldn't have any questions about them. You're reading
this book because most guys aren't like you, and as a
result you're confused, bothered, and even annoyed by
them. At the same time, you want to understand them better
rather than go through life being confused, bothered,
and annoyed.
After surveying hundreds of teens from across the
country, I found that most girls have the same questions
about guys.
Continues.
