Chapter One
ALLIGATORS
What do you call a sick alligator?
An illigator.
* * *
What do you get if you cross an alligator
with a flower?
I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it.
* * *
There was once a lazy alligator that roamed
the banks of the river. Whenever a boat
passed him, those onboard would be sure
to keep their hands inside the vessel,
because it was known that he was always
looking for a hand out.
What do you get if you cross a snowman
with an alligator?
Frostbite.
* * *
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection
of alligators. He kept them in the
pool behind his mansion. The millionaire
also had a very beautiful daughter who was
single. One day he decided to throw a huge
party, and during the course of the party he
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a
proposition for every man here. I will give
one million dollars or my daughter to the
man who can swim across this pool full of
alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his proclamation,
there was a large splash. There was one man
in the pool, swimming with all his might
and screaming in fear. The crowd cheered
him on as he kept sprinting through the
water. Finally, he jumped out on the other
side with only a torn shirt and several minor
injuries. The millionaire was awestruck.
He said, "Sir, that was amazing! I didn't
think it could be done! But, I must keep
my end of the bargain. Do you want my
daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy answered, "I don't want your
money or your daughter. I just want the
person who pushed me into the water!"
ANTS
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
* * *
What do you call a 100-year-old ant?
An antique.
* * *
Teacher. "Boys and Girls, there is a wonderful
example in the life of the
ant. Every day the ant goes to
work and works all day long.
Every day the ant is busy. And in
the end, what happens?"
John: "Someone steps on him."
What kind of ant is good at math?
An accountant.
* * *
A golfing duffer cringed when his drive
landed in an anthill. Choosing a sand
wedge, he positioned himself and swung at
the half-buried ball. Sand and ants flew.
The ball hadn't moved.
Again the novice braced and swung.
Again the anthill was devastated, but the
ball lay unmoved.
Among the panic-stricken ant colony,
one ant yelled to his friend, "Come on!
That big white ball seems to be a pretty
safe place!"
BEARS
Where do polar bears like to vacation?
Brrrr-muda.
* * *
What time is it when five grizzly bears are
chasing you?
Five after one.
* * *
What do you call a grizzly bear with no
teeth?
A gummy bear.
How do bears walk around?
With bear feet.
* * *
Bob: "I thought you were going bear
hunting!"
Bill: "I was. But I only made it as far as
the highway."
Bob: "What happened?"
Bill: "Well, I saw a road sign that said
Bear Left, so I came home!"
* * *
Hunter 1: "Look! Here's some bear
tracks!"
Hunter 2: "Great. I'll go see where he
came from, and you go see
where he went."
* * *
What is a bear's favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Two men went out to hunt bear. On
opening morning, a light snow fell, and
one stayed in the cabin while the other
went out hunting. He soon found a huge
grizzly, shot at it, but merely wounded it.
The infuriated bear charged toward him.
He dropped his rifle and started running
for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran
fast, but the bear was just a little faster
and gained on him with every step. Just as
he reached the open cabin door, he
tripped and fell. Too close behind to stop,
the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin
door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You
skin this one, and I'll go get another one!"
* * *
What do you call a bear that whines?
Whiny the Pooh.
Two easterners were hunting in the Rocky
Mountain wilderness when a huge grizzly
bear sprang onto their path, reared up, and
roared.
One hunter was terrified. The other
kept his presence of mind and calmly
instructed, "Don't move a muscle. Just
stand like a statue, and the bear will get
bored and go away."
"H-h-how do you know?"
"I read it in a book about the Lewis
and Clark expedition."
They both stood motionless. The bear
didn't go away but instead drew closer and
roared more furiously.
"I-I-I think the bear must've read the
same book!" stammered the scared hunter.
* * *
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
What do Paddington Bear and Winnie the
Pooh pack for their holidays?
The bear essentials.
* * *
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and
the Bear family is just waking up. Baby
Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table. He looks into his small
bowl. It's empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he
squeaks. Daddy Bear comes to the table
and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl. It's also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?"
he roars.
Mommy Bear calls from the kitchen,
"How many times do we have to go
through this? It was Mommy Bear who got
up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke
everybody up. It was Mommy Bear who
unloaded the dishwasher. It was Mommy
Bear who went out to get the newspaper. It
was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was
Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned
the litter box, and filled the cat's water and
food dish. And now that you've finally
decided to come downstairs and start your
day, listen well because I'm only going to
say this one time-I haven't had time to
make the porridge yet!"
* * *
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear
and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
* * *
Two campers are hiking in the woods
when suddenly a bear starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their
lives when one of them stops and starts to
put on his running shoes.
His buddy says, "What are you doing?
You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun
the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
BEES
What kind of" bee is always dropping the
football?
A fumblebee.
* * *
What do you call a bee that hums very
quietly?
A mumblebee.
* * *
Why do bees hum?
Because they can't remember the words.
What is another name for a bunch of bees?
A good report card.
* * *
How does a bee get to school?
It takes the buzz.
* * *
What do bees do with the honey
they make?
Cell it.
* * *
What goes ZZUB, ZZUB, ZZUB?
A bee flying backwards.
* * *
What do bees do if they want to use public
transport?
Wait at a buzz stop.
What does a bee get at McDonalds?
A humburger
* * *
What do you get if you cross a bee with
a doorbell?
A hum dinger.
BIRDS, DOMESTIC
Gary showed off his singing parrot to his
friend Ken.
"If you pull his right leg, he'll sing
'Happy Birthday,'" said Gary. "And if you
puU his left leg, he'll sing 'The Star-Spangled
Banner.'"
"What happens if you puU both legs?"
Ken asked.
"Squawk!" said the parrot. "I'd fall off
the perch!"
* * *
A woman went to the pet shop to buy a
parrot. When she picked out a rare breed,
the owner congratulated her on her choice.
"If you'd like, I could send you the bill
at the end of the month," said the pet shop
owner.
"No, thanks," said the woman, "I'd like
to take the whole bird today."
* * *
A man bought a parrot, and for twenty
years the bird was silent, never uttering so
much as a word. Every morning the parrot
would wake up, stand patiently on its perch,
and wait for its owner to come and feed it.
One morning, the man overslept.
Using its beak, the parrot pried the cage
door open, flew out, and perched on the
man's head.
Pecking its owner's nose, the parrot
squawked and said, "Excuse me, but it's
nearly noon and I'm famished."
The man sat upright. "Polly, you can
talk!"
"Of course, I can talk," said the parrot.
"Then why haven't you said anything
for twenty years?" asked the man.
"Because up until now," replied the
bird, "the service has been excellent."
* * *
A lady goes into a pet store one day. "I'm
quite lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need
a pet to keep me company."
"Well," replies the clerk, "how about
this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."
"That's just what I need," says the lady.
She buys the parrot and takes him home.
The next day the lady comes back to the
pet store. "That parrot isn't talking to me
yet," she says.
"Hmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I
know!. You can buy this little ladder for his
cage. He'll climb the ladder, and then he'll
talk." So she heads home with a newly
purchased ladder. The next day she comes
back, again.
"Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a
word," she says to the pet store clerk.
He thinks a minute. "How about this
little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the
top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the
ladder, look in the mirror, and then he'll
talk to you."
"Okay," she says and buys the mirror
and goes home. But the next day the lady
is back in the shop.
"I must admit, I'm getting a bit discouraged,"
she says. "That parrot
stillwon't
talk to me."
The clerk scratches his head. "Let me
think. Here-try this bell. You hang it
over the mirror. The parrot will climb the
ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell,
and then he will surely talk to you!"
"Alright, I'll give it a try," says the lady.
And she buys the bell and takes it home.
The next day the same lady comes back to
the pet shop, and she is very distressed.
"What's wrong?" asks the clerk.
"My parrot . well, he died," she
answers sadly.
"Oh, no! I'm so sorry for your loss!"
exclaims the clerk. "But I must ask you,
did the parrot ever say anything to you?"
(Continues.)
