Fatal Attractions: Why Sex Sins Are Worse Than Others (Paperback)

Chapter One

It is impossible to talk about sex and not be direct, candid and forthright at every point; but my experience in Christian circles has at times suggested that such candor is unwelcome. I offer no excuse or justification for the prudishness that has often cluttered clear communication among "the holy," but rather I have sought to tear down the barricades to simple honesty in communication-often using humor (getting us to laugh at ourselves)-without being either tawdry, cheap or irreverent.

In opening seminars or sermons I've presented on God's Word and human sexuality, I've often related the following story clipped out of a newspaper decades ago.

A middle-aged and intensely modest woman was planning to spend her summer vacation with her husband at a campground in the South. Not wanting to arrive unprepared, she wrote a letter to the campground manager inquiring about the lavatory facilities. When she wrote the word "toilet" in the letter, it seemed too bold to her intense sense of propriety. So she changed "toilet" to the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." Still feeling that was too bold, she decided to abbreviate it and simply use the letters "BC." What she wrote was "Does the campground have its own BC?"

When the campground manager read that sentence, he had no idea what the woman was talking about. He showed it to some other people, and they couldn't figure it out either. Finally, he decided that she must be asking about whether the campground had its own Baptist Church.

With that in mind, here is what the campground manager wrote back.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground. And it is capable of seating 250 people at a time. I admit that is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt, you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a complete day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time. I would say, it pains me not to go more often, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. However, as we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time. I'd be glad to sit with you and introduce you to all the other people. We want you to know this is a friendly campground.

I've shared that exchange of letters around the world and never found an audience that didn't laugh hilariously-or at least get the point. It's a humorous and useful lesson in what happens when we are not clear, direct and forthright, and how confusing speech can become when we aren't totally candid. And I share this story to prepare you, since I want to speak frankly-neither religiously nor crudely, but bluntly and pointedly-on the subject of sex.

Neither "God" nor "sex" are four-letter words, yet this discussion has always been subject to a number of hindering myths: that sex is fundamentally sinful (it isn't), that the fall of humankind was due to sex (it wasn't) and that prudishness equals holiness (it doesn't). Do you think God was surprised when He saw Adam and Eve rustling in the bushes and declared, "How awful! What have I done?"

These hindering myths have been promoted by the silence of the pulpit-a silence often reinforced by teaching that the virgin birth was necessary because intercourse is essentially sinful even within marriage and, among some traditions, that the priesthood should be celibate because deep devotion, or fullest holiness, is impossible to those who engage in sexual love. This silence, at times, has resulted in some of the worst cases of sexual sin; ignoring our sexuality will never lead us to freedom-truth about it will. As Jesus Himself said, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). The absence of truth, clarity and gracious instruction lends itself to an atmosphere conducive to bondage-either the bondage of rebellion against distortion or the bondage of an unrealistic view of our humanness.

Why Is the Pulpit So Silent?

The issue of sex is too seldom addressed by spiritual leaders, other than by occasional bland superficial comment or sporadic blasting condemnation. This reticence isn't so much because of embarrassment but because of the potential awkwardness of the theme. No leader wants to fumble words with such a delicate subject as sex, to stumble into appearing either naive or unduly knowledgeable or to communicate a heavy-handed, guilt-inducing spirit of condemnation. Faithful leaders don't want to be misunderstood about the biblical imperative on sexual purity; and it's easier to presume that people know what's right and wrong than it is to thread through the myriad questions and problems that surface when the subject is addressed.

Further, pulpits are sometimes silent on the subject of sex because of the leader's own past personal fracture or wound-even a point of personal bondage in his or her own private life. My wife, Anna, and I have counseled hosts of spiritual leaders who have had sexual difficulties and unhappiness in their own marriages. Their emotions and conflicts about sex removed any base of comfort or confidence to address the subject from the platform, even though they're now walking in purity and fidelity themselves. When a married couple, devoted as servant partners in God's kingdom, have not learned how to healthily relate to one another sexually, the subject cannot be addressed effectively to others. Silence or blandness prevails, and a flock goes unfed in this fundamental area of needed understanding in the human experience. It is a double hook of the adversary's bondage, crippling the full release of a leader's potential in both ministry and marriage.

While a healthy, fulfilling biblical attitude toward sex may need more discussion in churches, the unfortunate message that has begun to seep through has been the seeming normalization of moral failure. From leaders to those being led, the ensuing confusion regarding biblical morality is abundantly apparent. The twisting of Scriptures to make room for any number of sexual sins is nothing new, but today we are watching sexual sin become accepted even by Christians-believers who have not been taught anything else. Within the Church today we find casual notions about masturbation and mutual gratification without intercourse, debasing practices demanded by married men of their wives and even a softening of conviction regarding whether homosexuality is really wrong or if God, in fact, created some people as homosexuals.

In response to the ignorance and acceptance of sexual sin by many Christians, Focus on the Family recruited a team of Bible scholars-the Council on Biblical Sexual Ethics-to develop a Bible-based statement on sexual behavior. I am one of the signers endorsing the "Colorado Statement on Biblical Sexual Morality," a declaration I see as a significant contribution to undoing the confusion caused by silence in our churches. To abolish in yourself the hindering myth that sex is of itself a sinful, shameful subject for discussion, read the council's full statement (see appendix 4).

Why Am I Talking About Sex?

Notwithstanding the high-profile cases of moral failure on the part of a few spiritual leaders, the vast majority of men and women I have met in public ministry are deeply committed, godly people. Still, relatively few say very much about the subject of our sexuality, its God-designed, enriching purposes and the wisdom He gives for avoiding its pollution, destructiveness or perversion.

So, why am I talking about it? That's a good question. Many times I've asked that question myself: "Why me, Lord?" For over four decades, I've been invited to teach and speak in conferences in virtually every kind of setting and to every age group-from teens and collegians to adult singles and marrieds. On campuses and in churches, I am still urged to speak, as I have for years from my own pulpit, on the subject of sex. I've concluded that perhaps the Lord has given me an ability and grace to communicate the Word of God regarding His blessing of sex and the destructive bane of its misappropriation. It is a special privilege to serve in helping people toward God's freeing truth on this topic. I don't feel prideful or smug about it, but I know it is part of my assignment under His Word's authority.

Two factors have enabled me to speak with real confidence and boldness on the subject of why sex sins are worse than others. The first is that by the grace of God-and I want to underscore that it is by the grace of God-I have been kept pure in my sexual life for a lifetime. I honor Jesus Himself, thanking my Lord that though my sexual life has certainly not gone unchallenged by temptation, He has enabled me to maintain purity. This has contributed greatly to my sense of freedom and boldness to speak on this subject.

But a second factor cannot be overlooked, for it also enables me to communicate with pastoral and personal authority. I have been blessed to know the high fulfillment of having been joined to only one person for my entire life-my dear wife, Anna. Our relationship has required a lifetime of growth, but our relationship has been in fidelity and purity, and always with the genuine joy that God intended for marriage's sexual union.

To those who might ask, "Well, if you have never failed in sexual transgression, how are you able to understand people who have?" I would respond that I am able to because (1) I know my own capacity for failure and have no illusions about being superior to others, even though I have kept pure; and (2) I do understand people's capacity for failure. After you have dealt with a few hundred people who, out of human vulnerability and brokenness, have failed, you learn a little bit about failure-and about the path to recovery and health.

Who Am I Talking To?

First, it's important to make clear that in discussing why sex sins are worse than other sins, I am primarily addressing the subject as I would with people who have already made a commitment to Jesus Christ. I don't mean to imply that the truth that sex sins are worse than other sins is any less valid for some people, but rather that it can be misunderstood to suggest that those guilty of sexual sin are more offensive to God than others. They aren't, and I want to make that clear. But my presumed audience is essentially those who have already received Christ as Savior and who want His Lordship and purpose in all of their lives-including in their sexual behavior.

Everyone reading these words is the same as I am: We are sinners who need a Savior. The meaning of "sin" is not difficult to understand: it is what we do when we transgress God's will and His ways-His benevolently given laws. In this regard, the Bible says that to transgress in one respect is to become guilty of the whole of God's law (see Jas. 2:10), which is why every person is invited to appeal to God's immense offer of mercy, grace and forgiveness through His Son.

Because you have opened this book, you are clearly interested in dealing with issues of the heart-you are clearly serious about confronting anything that could be destructive to or disruptive of knowing a life of fulfillment and purpose. And if you have not until now opened yourself to God's love through the gift of His Son, I can only encourage you to do so as soon as you are willing to make that decision. It may be now-or perhaps as you continue reading-that you will come to a more definitive willingness to recognize both the need and the wisdom to open yourself to the Savior's life, grace, joy and hope.

A pivotal need for both you and me is the need to repent-that is, to turn away from our sins. You may feel you lack the power to do this, which is why the Bible says we need to call on the Lord to save us. Like dying or drowning people, we need the Son of God-Jesus Himself-who died for us and rose again: He is able to save us, to forgive us and to give us new life. So when you are willing to take that step with Him, remember, "Whoever calls on the name of the LORD [Jesus] shall be saved" (Rom. 10:13, emphasis added)! To help you do that, we have placed a prayer for personal salvation in appendix 1. I sincerely pray that you will seek salvation in Christ today-now, at this beginning point, since you are obviously open and inquiring about how to become a person who avoids the destructive and who takes constructive steps forward. The best first steps are toward God and His purposes for your life-beginning with receiving His Son as your Savior.

This is a book that targets people who care about God's ways. Your interest in the subject of sexual integrity may be for any number of reasons: you work with youth; you counsel people in your church; you've struggled with temptation; you've failed but are seeking to establish your ways in God's wisdom; you are a student with an honest mind, seeking to know right and to live righteously.

Foundational to the matter of sexual integrity, however, is taking seriously both the gift of our humanness and the choices that clear-minded stewardship of our bodies requires in the light of God's freeing, fulfilling truth. This involves the issue of discipleship. It is one thing to believe in Jesus and trust Him as your Savior; it is quite another to follow Him as an obedient disciple, acknowledging Him as Lord. In either case, whether we are new believers or growing disciples, God's Word speaks pointedly about how we use our bodies.

We worship with our bodies: "Present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service" (Rom. 12:1).

Our bodies are the Holy Spirit's temple: "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit?" (1 Cor. 6:19).

We are not to defile this physical temple of God (see 1 Cor. 3:16-17).

As believers, we will be held specifically accountable for "the things done in the body" (2 Cor. 5:10).

Those truths combine to bring a demanding point to bear on every person who is serious about God, serious about His gift to us in His Son, Jesus Christ, and who seriously cares about other people.

We Will Face a Sobering Reality

A surprising number of Christians are ignorant of the fact that we will stand before the Lord Jesus for an evaluative judgment-an ultimate accounting-for how we have lived and served as followers of Him.

Continues...