Mothering Without Guilt: You and God, You and Others, You and Your Kids (Paperback)

Chapter One

when guilt is good

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

For You Alone

When you read the title of this study guide-Mothering without Guilt-did longing leap within your heart? Did you think, "Oh, I want to mother without guilt," only to be quickly extinguished by another thought: "But I feel guilty all the time." Mothering without guilt is a reality many moms never experience because they can't distinguish between true guilt, which is good, and false guilt, which is a weapon of the enemy. The result? A nagging sense of guilt that becomes a constant and unwelcome companion.

Take a moment to examine your understanding of guilt and its role in your mothering by looking at the following statements. Check each one that applies to you.

Mothering without guilt means:

There is a right way and a wrong way to do everything.

I should never lose my temper with my children.

I should spend at least an hour in prayer and Bible study daily.

Everyone likes my children and me.

We should always be on time.

I should never be discouraged or grouchy.

I should always be ready to correct my children when they make a mistake.

I should check and double-check my work to make sure it is perfect.

My children will never get sick if I am vigilant in taking care of them.

I should anticipate problems before they occur.

My children should get good grades in school.

I can trust God to keep my children safe if I read my Bible every day.

I should always make tasty, well-balanced meals that my kids love to eat!

The house should be clean every night before I go to bed.

My kids never talk back to me.

My children always love to go to church.

If you checked any of these boxes, you probably have pockets of false guilt in your life and hopes of mothering without guilt seem pretty far-fetched. False guilt dupes you into believing the ideal is possible.

Look back at the list and underline how many times the words "should," "always," and "never" appear. False guilt nags at you with messages of "should" and "always" and "never." False guilt gains a foothold when other people in your life (especially your children) don't live the way you need them to live in order to satisfy your expectations.

Go back and look again at the boxes you checked. This time evaluate each one in light of these three questions:

Does achieving this goal require that you live perfectly with perfect children?

Does this goal allow for interruptions, mistakes, or individual personality traits?

Is this goal dependent on your children conforming to your agenda?

Guilt is like quicksand. You can get stuck in it.

As long as you are tormented by false guilt, true guilt will be difficult to identify. True guilt is a blessing. Just as a pain in the body may be a warning of physical injury or sickness, guilt is an ache in the soul that signals you to examine your heart for sin. When you let go of the "shoulds" and stop evaluating your mothering by how well your children conform to your agenda, you have the opportunity to look beyond the false guilt to the true guilt pointing to sin that needs to be forgiven. You finally have the opportunity to see an accurate self-picture. That's when hope for mothering without guilt begins!

For You and God's Word

Begin your study today by reading Psalm 139:23-24.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

The psalmist David penned this intimate, open prayer. Whom do you trust with your every thought, motivation, choice, decision, or action? David laid his life open before God. He wanted God to see him and help him to accurately evaluate his pain and joy, weariness and vitality, selfishness and unselfishness, sin and service. Laying your life open before God makes it possible to move out of the house of fear and guilt into the house of love.

Guilt can keep mothers narrowly focused on the question "What's wrong with me?" and prevents us from becoming effective agents of personal and social change. Harriet Lerner, The Mother Dance

1. As you think about laying your life bare before God, what do you fear?

2. Do you believe that God can lovingly handle all that goes on in your mind and heart? Explain your answer.

When you don't believe God can be trusted, you become defensive, deny your harmful or hurtful ways, and deflect any hope of change. When you believe that God loves you and longs to forgive you and have an intimate relationship with you, you can look courageously at your life and change can become possible.

Honestly ask yourself, "Do I want to defend myself, or am I willing to open my heart to God's gaze?" "Do I want to deny any hurt or harm I may have caused, or will I allow God to evaluate my actions, reveal their consequences, and offer forgiveness?" "Do I blame others or the circumstances, or can I ask God to unveil my responsibility?"

Your ability to examine yourself accurately is wholly dependent on what you believe about God's love and forgiveness.

3. Recall a time when your young child made a foolish or willful mistake. What did you feel for your child?

Never was a mother so blind to the faults of her child as our Lord is toward ours. Daniel Considine, Confidence in God

Do you believe God to be distant, easily annoyed, indifferent, or angry? Is he always watching you so that he can catch you in your sin and punish you? Do you believe that God is harsher with you than you are with your own child? Pray the words of Psalm 139:23-24, focusing on a God who is completely loving and completely trustworthy. Can you bare your heart before him? Can you be honest? Now write out the prayer of Psalm 139 in your own words, and use it throughout the week in your prayer times.

For You and Others

Begin your time together as a small group by discussing this question: What is the deepest need of the human heart?

Look back at the boxes you checked in "For You Alone." What do these statements suggest that you may think is your greatest need?

(Continues...)