Overcoming Negative Self-Image: Discover Your True Identity in Christ (Paperback)

Chapter One

Try as we might by our appearance, performance or social status to find self-verification for a sense of being somebody, we always come short of satisfaction. Whatever pinnacle of self-identity we achieve soon crumbles under the pressure of hostile rejection or criticism, introspection or guilt, fear or anxiety. We cannot do anything to qualify for the by-product of being loved unconditionally and voluntarily. Maurice Wagner

One day the DuPeire family received a phone call from their pastor. He told them about a three-year-old boy who had been begging for food at a local motel. Nobody was sure how long the child had been left to fend for himself. The boy's mother, who had developed cancer, had abandoned him, apparently thinking that little Matt would receive better care as a ward of the state.

The DuPeires adopted Matt as their own son. Living in his new home, he received the care and guidance that every child needs, yet feelings of abandonment haunted him for some time. Old programs ingrained in his mind from early childhood continued to gnaw away at his self-perception and shape his behavior. He ate every meal as though it might be his last. Sitting quietly at the dinner table was next to impossible. Matt would pile as much food on his plate as was humanly possible. He devoured every morsel that was placed before him.

Aware of Matt's behavior, his adoptive parents sought to correct his thinking. At the dinner table, they encouraged him to actually taste his food before he swallowed it, and later they showed him all the surplus food stored in the refrigerator and in the pantry. They thought that these acts would close the case of the child glutton, but they did not. A few days later Matt's adoptive mother entered his room and noticed a strange smell coming from his bed. At first she thought that one of the cats had an accident. Then she discovered a hidden tuna-fish sandwich under his pillow. Tuna was on the lunch menu three days earlier!

Matt's environment had completely changed, from insecurity to security, from rejection to acceptance, from abandonment to belonging. He was now a DuPeire. He had a new identity and a new family that promised to care for him, but the beliefs he held about himself and the world had not changed. It would take years to grow out of the old ways of thinking and acting.

Today Matt is a well-adjusted member of his adopted family. The transition he made from a dysfunctional family system to a healthier one is similar to the transition that every Christian makes at salvation. We have been transferred out of the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of God's beloved Son (see Col. 1:13). We have a new father and a new family, but our minds have already been programmed to live in the kingdom of darkness. To correct the negative images that we have of ourselves, we need to understand how we have learned to live in this fallen world.

The Kingdoms of This World

We were all born dead in our trespasses and sins (see Eph. 2:1). We had neither the presence of God in our lives nor the knowledge of His ways. Consequently, we all learned to live our lives independent of God. Like Matt, who as a child struggled to survive without parents, we learned to live without God. Our identity and perception of ourselves were programmed into our minds as we responded to the natural order of this fallen world. That is why Paul writes in Romans 12:2, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (NIV).

Renewing our minds does not fully happen the moment we receive Christ, and it certainly does not come naturally. There is no delete button that erases all the old tapes that have been recorded throughout our years of natural development. New believers and those who have failed to grow are like Matt was. They tend to gravitate back to their old patterns of thinking and act accordingly.

The kingdoms of this world vary dramatically from one culture to another, as do the family systems within the cultures. Matt's previous family lived in the same community as his new family, but the culture was completely different. Culture and family systems are incredibly complex, and each has its own set of beliefs and values. Many sociologists and psychologists have devoted their professional lives to understanding these sociological systems. They attempt to explain why we do what we do as a result of the system in which we were raised. People, however, are not solely a product of their environment. Every one of us interprets the data and responds differently to the surroundings in which we were raised, because God gave each of us the capacity to think and make personal choices.

The kingdoms of this world are nothing like the kingdom of God. Living in this fallen world has many harsh realities such as poverty, disease and war. For the purpose of this chapter, let's consider rejection and the inevitable effect it will have on our self-perception and feelings. No matter how hard we try, we cannot avoid the rejection of others. Jesus lived a perfect life and the entire social and government establishment of that day rejected Him.

Several years ago, a 17-year-old girl drove a great distance to talk with me. I have never met a girl who had so much going for her. She was cover-girl pretty and immaculately dressed. She had completed 12 years of school in 11 years, graduating near the top of her class. As a talented musician, she had received a full-ride music scholarship to a Christian university. Her parents had given her a brand-new sports car for graduation. Few people have been endowed with so much.

After 30 minutes of conversation, it was easy to discern that her external presentation did not match the insecurities of her internal world. "Mary," I asked, "have you ever cried yourself to sleep at night because you felt inadequate and wished you were somebody else?"

Tears started to form in her eyes as she asked, "How did you know?"

I could ask almost anyone the same question at some time in his or her life and get the same response. The image we project to others often disguises how we really feel about ourselves. Most people cover up negative feelings about themselves in order to gain the acceptance of others. It is not always easy to live with someone who finds it difficult to live with himself or herself. So we wear a mask-even in church. Most people do not do it maliciously. We do it because we desire the acceptance and approval of others.

Many Christians are unaware that such negative self-perceptions are based on the values of this fallen world and that they reflect an inadequate understanding of the gospel. Genuinely speaking, appearance, performance and social status are the standards of this world. We use them to evaluate ourselves and to compare ourselves to one another.

In the kingdom of this world the natural man marginalizes unattractive, low-performance social misfits-there is no gushing nor offers of unconditional positive regard. Do attractive, smart and successful people experience the polar opposite? Obviously, some people lust over members of the opposite gender, such as supermodels and jocks, and members of the same gender become jealous. But how many years can you realistically stay attractive or strong? The huge fashion, fitness, health and beauty industries reveal that many believe their appearance is important to their sense of worth and enhances their prospects of being accepted. If that is not enough to prove our point, consider how many people in our current culture get Botox treatments to remove their wrinkles or cosmetic surgery to reshape their bodies.

When we focus on appearance, performance or social status, we fail to develop the lasting values of character that hold a relationship together. The result is a superficial life full of superficial relationships. External beauty cannot hide internal ugliness. Regardless of outer qualities and status, anything with a shallow base will eventually erode. Can you imagine the sting of rejection that must be felt when a woman discovers that a man "loved" only her body? Pity the man who is "loved" only for his money.

I am not suggesting that we should ignore our appearance, perform poorly or shun society. Rather, I am declaring that there are other standards by which we should ultimately evaluate ourselves-standards which are fair and available for all of God's children.

There is no such thing as unconditional love and acceptance in any human culture or family system. There is no way that we can live a perfect life and there is no way that we can please everyone. Consequently, the feelings of rejection are unavoidable. Generally speaking, we react to this fallen world by choosing one of three defensive postures (see figure 1).

The Top of the Ladder

Some people have an abundance of life endowments. A few who are born with very good genes or lots of money choose to use their assets to beat the system, and all too often their parents are the driving force behind their acts. The beat-the-system crowd recognizes the dog-eat-dog nature of our culture, and they do not want to be the ones that are eaten. So they do what they can to get to the top. They seek to establish names for themselves and take full advantage of their social status. They are going to gain their acceptance, security and significance via their own strength and resources.

Racism, sexism or any kind of elitism is perpetuated by people who want to maintain their favored status. They have exclusive clubs and form social communities that only welcome the privileged and the best. The tragedy and utter selfishness of those who climb to the top at the expense of others was revealed to the world when Enron collapsed. Enron's executives were living the high life, and every new employee wanted to be just like them. They saw the yachts and expensive homes, but what they did not see was the emotional insulation and perfectionism that was driving them. Pride comes before a fall, but in this case, the fall affected thousands of investors who lost their retirement and financial security. In the end, the world's system cannot deliver.

There are many ways in which people try to beat the system. They will attempt to leverage their exceptional appearance, talents, intellect or athleticism. Consider the tragic life of Lyle Alzado. He was one of the fiercest competitors who ever played the game of football. As a defensive end, he personified the Raiders's mystique. With his incredible strength and speed, Alzado was like a heat-seeking missile. He locked on to whoever had the pigskin and usually left the poor fellow drilled into the ground. Twice he made the Pro-Bowl team.

In college Lyle was not sure he could make it to the NFL, since he only weighed 195 pounds. That is not enough weight to be a defensive lineman in the National Football League. So Lyle decided to take steroids, and he became a monstrous 300-pound defensive machine. His decision to take steroids brought him the success and fame he desired, but only for a short time. The steroids probably caused the brain cancer that ended his life. Lyle Alzado died at 43 years of age. His life was literally cut in half.

The Seductiveness of the System

Most people will never be a part of the jet set, be a corporate executive, win a beauty pageant, play professional sports or achieve something considered significant by the world's standards-and we know it. We tend to buy into the negative side of the worldly success formula where appearance, performance and status equal acceptance, security and significance. We cannot compete with those who are more talented or gifted, so we give in to the system. I asked a high school student, "Suppose there's a boy on your campus who has a frail body and matted hair. He stumbles when he walks and stutters when he talks. He could use some help with personal grooming, and he struggles to make average grades. Does he have any hope for acceptance, security and significance?" He thought for a moment, and answered, "Probably not." The world's system of measurement can be quite hostile, even in the best of countries.

Studies have revealed that in American homes an average child receives ten negative or nonaffirming statements for every positive or affirming statement. In school, where teachers are taught to know better, an average student receives seven negative or nonaffirming statements for every positive or affirming statement. A study wanted to find what it would take to erase the effect of one negative statement, and it found out that it took at least four affirming statements on average. If four people affirmed you and one criticized you, which are you inclined to believe or at least think the most about? No wonder most people struggle with a poor identity and a negative sense of worth.

Several years ago when I was a pastor, I put the words "inadequacy," "inferiority," "insecurity," "guilt," "worry" and "doubt" on a card. When people sought counseling, I pulled out the card and asked if they could identify with any of those words. Forty-nine Christians said all six and one mentioned only four. Something is radically wrong. These people were beaten down by the system, and they seemed to be ignorant of their spiritual heritage in Christ. Many struggled with the idea of God, believing that their poor state in life was His fault.

The Rebellion of People

I was right across the street from Columbine High School when Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris took the lives of a teacher and several classmates. They were part of the school's trench-coat mafia, exemplifying rebellion against the system. They underscored their defiance by dressing and behaving in objectionable ways. Their actions suggested that they did not want or need anyone's love, but in actuality they did-as we all do. This kind of disenfranchised segment of society has been growing since the 1960s. Those who sought to beat the system were their nemesis. Bullied and badgered, they finally snapped, as have several others on high school campuses around the nation. The system is sick. Everybody loses in the end. No wonder John wrote:

Do not love the world [system], nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world (1 John 2:15-16).

The Example of Solomon

If anyone had a chance to beat the system, it was King Solomon. He was the king of Israel when the nation was at its greatest prominence. He occupied the highest of human positions.

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